Blog: Surviving The Holiday Season

No, this blog is not going to be a crash course in self defense, at least not in any physical capacity. It is, however, going to touch on how to set up proper boundaries, expectations, & how to fortify yourself as the person you are without having to diminish yourself too greatly or feel entirely othered during this often constrictive time of the year.

I suppose that it’s worth noting at the start of this little text adventure together that this is still an ongoing practice for me as well. It is far from something that I have perfected, but I wanted to share with you the advice that I’ve gotten from friends of mine or that I’ve been giving myself to try & alleviate the strain of the season that I know so many of us feel, especially this year, especially for those of us living in The United States. We are in this together, though we are separated by physical distance & shared community through a screen. This is a day by day, hour by hour, practice & it is something that you should feel free to evaluate & pivot with as the minutes tick by & as you see fit. We are here to take care of you & your sanity, not to cater to those who often can’t even vote in the interests of those they claim to have love for. We do not minimize ourselves for the sake of those who may find certain aspects of ourselves less appealing or out of line from their expectations & we do not take slights lightly or allow them to be so callously laughed off. Are you ready to begin?

So you’ve gone home for the holidays, you’re no longer in a space that feels grounding & comfortable to you. You’re already off kilter, out of wack, & tired from the travel & energy it took to get you to wherever it is you’ve ended up. We’re already starting from a place of unmooring & that can be discomforting. It can feel like you’re on edge or can immediately put you on the defense, especially if this is a place or these are people who have a history that is just waiting below the surface to be triggered. It can feel like you’re walking on hot coals as soon as you walk through the door & are immediately expected to cozy on into the version of yourself that they tolerate. I challenge you not to. Now, let’s pause here & make something clear. I’m not telling you not to be a gracious guest. Just as you are feeling off balance in someone else’s space, so too may they feel off balance with you in their space which can be off putting to both parties. What I am telling you to do is to be authentic. Don’t try to squeeze back into that box of persona that 18 year old you left when you moved away almost a decade & a half ago, they don’t exist anymore, at least not to them. Your younger self is for you to connect with on your own terms, in your own time.

The next thing we are going to do is to drop our expectations at the door & engage in a bit of realism. Not everyone is going to meet you where you’re at. Where that’s emotionally, intellectually, with the amount of energy they’re willing to put in, the amount of thought they give to gift giving, the ways in which they show up, or don’t, to try & make the holidays special. You have to realize that & either choose to continue on with a greater level of input on your side knowing full well that you’ll probably be disappointed that the effort or thought aren’t going to be reciprocated, or you have to adjust down to a level that puts you on equal footing with everyone else. The latter will probably be met with questioning, especially if you are someone who notoriously gives of themselves in different ways in an overabundance compared to the others involved. You either have to be okay with the imbalance or reduce your efforts so as to even the playing field.

Going back to that version of yourself that your relatives often associate you with or try to cram you back into, you have to have the self respect enough to resist that at every turn. You have to have the self respect to fortify your boundaries & call them out in the moments in which lines have been crossed & your feelings, your needs, your emotions, your heart, your intellect, your morals have been violated. You have to be willing to stand up for yourself & what you believe in even when it’s hard. Even when it’s uncomfortable or you risk causing a scene, you have to remember that you have value as a human being too. They may have made you the odd one out, may say things just for the sake of getting under your skin, you stand your ground & don’t back down. If the price of that is that they lose your presence, so be it. Your sanity, your ethics, your agency are more important than their comfort. Let me say that again. Your sanity, your ethics, your agency are more important than their comfort.

I challenge you to find moments. Little points in your day that allow you to recenter, refocus, & ground. To shed the burdens of the season & just be in your peace, whatever that looks like. I also think that it’s perfectly acceptable to step away as needed. Additionally, it’s perfectly acceptable to indulge in your vices during this time, especially if they’re what will help keep you sane during this time. The end of the year is stressful enough as is, then when you add all of this on top of it, it can be a lot. I’m not telling you to get hammered every day or the whole time, but if you know a cocktail will help take the edge off or something from a greener pasture, fire away. Honestly. Disassociate for a minute, go for a “cousin walk” by yourself, spike the hot chocolate. Do what needs to be done to preserve the baseline of your ability to cope with all of this.

Sometimes the answer is disengaging altogether. I have several friends who are staying home this year. They’re not traveling to see family & instead are creating their own ideal holidays at home. I applaud them for this. In each scenario in which this is being done they have family members who refuse to respect their beliefs or what they believe to be morally right. They treat their kids like kids even though they’re in the 30s & self sustaining. They badger & prod & mock the dismay & the pain of their children & I am proud of each of them for standing up for themselves, saying enough is enough, & conserving their peace. You don’t owe anyone your submission or your quiet just because that’s the response they expect, especially when they’ll do anything to make you the joke of your beliefs. It is entirely valid to just not show up at all. To disengage entirely & embrace your chosen family. Remember the saying is not “blood is thicker than water,” it’s “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.”

As I mentioned above, I don’t have all the answers, these are mostly just practices that I’m trying to be better with myself. Naturally each of these is not going to be the appropriate response for everyone, use your discretion & discernment to understand what to employ & what to set aside or abandon.

I pray that each of you have a blessed & easy going holiday season this year. Hell, I pray that for myself. If that turns out to not be an option, I pray you have the strength to stand your ground & be bold in your convictions. Remember that often times conflict is actually what strengthens bonds of intimacy, not necessarily the other way around. All that is forged to extreme strength must first go through extreme pressure, whether that applies to you personally or the relationships in your life.

As Always, Much Love To You All,

Happy Holidays,

-C

Blog: Healing Doesn't Happen Overnight.

About mid-March something happened while I was diving in the Philippines. If you’re an avid reader of my blogs you may already know to what I am alluding, but if you are not, worry not, I will fill you in as we go. I sustained a small, yet meaningful injury while out in Bohol that ended up altering the course of my trip as well as the weeks & months following it & for the last two months I’ve treated said injury like it was nothing, like it was healed or a thing in the past, which for all intents & medical purposes, it is. But I came to the realization this week that I don’t think I’ve psychologically healed from it.

Back in March I perforated my left ear drum. I’m not entirely sure if it was done while diving or when I had two o-rings pop on scuba tanks right next to the ear ear in question, but I am starting to feel it was a combination of the the two with the latter being the inceptive event.

I went to a doctor in the Philippines for the injury as well as two separate otolaryngologists here in The States that assured me that the hole was there initially & that it was sealed up & in the process of being healed. I noticed the injury going forward mostly within the first month of having it. Loud noises would cause it to buzz uncomfortably, almost like the feeling of a high pitched dental drill, but without the sound, & it also kept me awake at night. My eustachian tube would crackle & pop all throughout the night, adjusting to the pressure within & without the mending drum. Other than that, I had no physical pain or wonky discomfort & by all measures of medicine, I was healing.

I came to the realization earlier this week that I hadn’t had my ears underwater since being diagnosed with the perforation in the Philippines. Yes, I take showers & cleaned my ears, but I hadn’t taken a bath or gone swimming which for someone like me who craves the water & being submersed there in, is incredibly strange. I realized that for two whole months I hadn’t stuck my head underwater, which medically is probably wise since a perforation can take a total of 3-4 months to fully heal, but psychologically I found myself getting very anxious at the sheer thought of submerging my whole being back in water which is something that has never happened for me.

The body keeps score, whether we as people want to acknowledge that we’ve been through something traumatic or not, the body knows & often times the latent affects of that take a while to make their way up through the grey matter of our subconscious into the forefront of our thinking, conscious brain. For some of us that never happens & we end up living out lives unaware of the trauma that we are storing in certain parts of our body & the physical manifestations therefrom. The more I thought & thought about submersion, the more anxious it made me, & the more angry I found myself getting that I would be anxious over something I thought so trivial & stupid. I’ve been swimming as long as I can remember, bodies of water, especially oceans, are my calming, safe place, my retreat when I need to stop feeling like I’m drying out. To an extent that all felt kind of ripped away from me even though I knew there were ways of going forward in life had the perforation continued to exist. It didn’t take me long to decide that I needed to reclaim my strength & fortitude & try dealing with my trauma head on so that hopefully, it too will start to heal.

I guess the powers that be kind of forced my hand too as Evan & I had to have birds removed from our walls & the only way the retrieval crew could get to them was through the ceiling of our shower, which I have since patched with drywall & fixed. However, while our shower has been out of commission, I was forced to take baths to get clean.

I spent a relatively long time in the bath the other evening. Our tub is fairly large & allows for a person to lay down comfortably in it at least majority submerged, so I spent my time there preparing for the inevitability of having to dunk my whole head to get clean. When the time finally came & felt myself having to overly prepare for it mentally, like stepping into a cold shower or an ice bath. Once my head was finally under I found myself having to fight to regulate my heart rate.

I did this a process a few more times, each time trying my best to calmly navigate my way through it, osculating my head back & forth to make sure to get the water in my ear. At a certain point I got comfortable enough to set with it & fortunately, by the end of it, my ear didn't end up having it feel wonky or uncomfortable.

I found my anxiety continuing even after the conclusion of my bath. I sat in bed mentally checking to see if anything felt off physically with the ear or if I felt it had been a mistake to carry out my trial, but the more time I sat & thought about it, the more anxious I became. I decided to put it out of my mind for the night & see if the morning bore any different results from those of the evening.

Morning came & went & nothing came of the fears that still lived within me. I took another bath that evening & allowed myself to go through the trials of the ear drum once again, drying it thoroughly afterwards just to be safe & using medicated drops to make sure the moisture wouldn’t become trapped & result in an infection. Still I felt uneasy about it all.

I realized I was trying to rush my healing. I wanted to force & mold something delicate & tender with sheer brute force & will power & I had to realize that, as with all things, healing takes time, especially when it comes to healing the mind. I have to give myself & my body the space & patience they need to come back together on the same page, in a place where I am able to submerge without becoming anxious or fearful that my ear drum is going to just fly back open. Just like my body didn’t physically heal over night, my mind can't & shouldn’t be expected to do the same.

I’ll be alright, I know I will. I know there will come a time down the road where I won’t thing twice about fully entering the water & that is worth waiting for & it is worth putting in the effort to heal along the way.

I hope you all have a fabulous weekend or whatever point of the week this blog finds you & remember to extend a little patience & grace your own way!

As Always, Much Love,

-C