Travel Blog: Australia- Part Two: Three Days of Rain on The Great Barrier Reef

Hiya! Welcome back to my blog series on Australia! If you are just now joining us, this is part two of the series, part one (naturally) comes before. So, if you find yourself here & you haven’t given part one a read, I recommend doing so first! Don’t worry, part two will still be here when you come back! If you have read part one &/or don’t care to read part one (rude) then welcome back to the continuation of our little adventure. Some of you may have noticed that I never finished our ‘day five’ in part one of this series. That is because the natural split, our time in Sydney & its suburbs to our times in Cairns. happened midday & I felt it more appropriate to split parts one & two at the divide of the flight, not at the break of a day. Cool? Alright, again, if you haven’t read part one, I recommend you do so first. There will be a link to it right under this introductory paragraph. If you’re all caught up & ready to go, then let’s get into it!!! Deflate that BCD, let’s dive in!!!


PART TWO:

Day Five (Continued)

Cairns, Queensland, Australia

Cairns From The Air

Upon booking our trip to Australia I knew I wanted to try my utmost to dive The Great Barrier Reef while we were there. I know for a lot of divers & ocean enthusiasts it’s a bucket list location & with the reef experiencing an estimated 30% bleaching, I knew my time to do so was unfortunately running thin.

I didn’t know how or what that looked like. For some reason, I pictured in my mind that the reef was just like a little ways off the coast line like when you dive in Maui & Molokini & Lanai are like a 45 minute boat ride. That’s not the case. Yes, you can go see the reef on a day trip, but majority of it is a ways out, like several hours. I also knew that I wanted to do more than just one day of diving on the reef which is what lead us to Liveaboard.com.

The live aboard options for the reef are limited to about eight options on their site. The one that ended up working for us both timing & budget wise was Pro Dive Cairns which is a three day/two night trip for around $660 USD. With boats going out almost every day, it made scheduling the trip fairly easy & flexible as well.

Evan & I arrived at the Cairns Airport around 4:40 PM. We taxied in, gathered up our bags, & got in an uber immediately headed to Pro Dive Cairns.

On the itinerary it listed out an optional check-in the evening prior to departure to help ease the process in the morning. That optional check-in ended at 5:30 PM…

I will have you know that we made it from the tarmac at 4:40, to the terminal, to baggage claim, to our pick-up, down the 20 minute ride from the airport, & to the store by 5:15. We made the check-in!

The only real thing that needed to be handled was sizing for Evan’s BCD & his regulator rental. I didn't read the fine print of the live aboard to see that all of our gear was covered, but I probably would have brought my own anyway just because it’s what I’m comfortable & familiar with.

While at PDC we asked one of the gents working the desk his recommendation for food, he told us that he doesn’t really go out to eat much but when he does he always goes to this local Thai restaurant down the street called Lanna Thai.

We still had all of our luggage & were only about a fifteen minute walk from our hotel, the Doubletree by Hilton Cairns, so we opted to walk instead of trying to call another Uber XL for all of our gear & baggage.

Once we’d checked into our hotel & had gotten our things situated we decided that food needed to be our next priority. We went with the staff suggestion of Lanna Thai & walked the fifteen minutes back by the dive shop to the restaurant just a block down the street. Spotting a massive flying fox overhead along the way!

Lanna Thai sits in the middle of a row of shops. It has about ten to twelve tables indoors & a line of them outside as well. You walk in & are greeted at the host stand before being shown to a table, pretty standard. The difference is that once you are sat, you then return to the host stand to give your entire order. It’s an interesting mix of traditional style dining & takeout.

Evan & I ordered Panang Curry, Pad See Ew, Curry Puffs, & Chicken Satay to share. I think our favorite amongst the set was the Pad See Ew & the Curry Puffs though all of what we had was excellent. After dinner my sweet tooth kicked in & my dessert stomach needed filling so off we went in search of desserts.

I am a dessert person. Truly. I want dessert after dinner. Usually I’m pretty good with just ice cream, but the need is great following my savory courses. All of the ice cream places that we found, that said they were open, were back by towards water.

As we got closer & closer to the water the noise & the people grew exponentially. We had found all of the tourists & man, what a tourist trap it all was. I equated the area we had wandered into to a Florida beach town or like Venice Beach in LA. There were kitschy souvenir shops, soulless eateries, trinkets, the same six $5 t-shirts or beach towels & swarms of people, all whom were a little too comfortable in other people’s personal space for my liking.

We ended up at a Night Market, why we thought there’d be a reprieve from the amount of people within, I’m not sure, but in we went. Right near the entrance to the night market was a stall selling all things mango aptly called, The Mango Bar. When I say it was everything mango, I mean it was everything mango; mango sorbet, mango smoothies, mango cake, dried mango, etc., etc., etc., etc. We made a stressful lap around the market before deciding upon The Mango Bar & getting a fresh Mango Sundae!

I’m glad we found The Mango Bar because the gelatoria around the corner we were planning to walk to was a mad house.

We took our mango sundaes & walked along the boardwalk back towards the hotel, pausing only to have our ears accosted by one of the most prehistoric looking birds I’ve ever seen; the Bush Stone-Curlew, whose cry sounds like a woman wailing. I’ll link a video of the sound below.

We did manage to find our way back to the hotel, despite the terror in the night, & once we were back we started putting together day bags to take onto the boat.

Pro Dive had advised us that our bags would be too big, but they offered storage for them while we were away. They recommended about a backpack side bag with enough clothing & towels to last you the three days out on the reef. So from our massive four suitcases we complied them & then drifted off to sleep.

End Of Day Five


Day Six



Our pick up from the Doubletree was early, I think around 5:30 AM. We were the last to be picked up from the group of us & had to do a bit of finagling to get our suitcases to fit in with everyone else’s & everyone else.

Our first stop of the morning was back to the dive shop, there we payed our national park fees, stowed our bags, & made any last minute dive purchases we may have needed. Then we were ushered back into the passenger van & driven a short ways from the shop down to the marina. We made our way around the Cairns Marlin Marina until we got to the boat, the Pro Dive 1.

Cairns Marlin Marina

Pro Dive Cairns has a fleet of these vessels, all the same design, all put into commission around the same time. The Pro Dive ships are three stories in all. The lower levels houses the engine room as well as the majority of the double bunk cabins & several of the boats bathrooms. The main deck has the dive platform, the galley, the recreational quarters, & the two double bed cabins as well as four of the restrooms. The top floor contains the lookout deck, the wheelhouse, & the remainder of the bunk rooms & restrooms.

We were all shown into the galley where breakfast awaited us. There we met the dive master, the ship’s chef, the captain, & the rest of the dive crew. All in all it was about seven crew members & thirty-two divers. There we watched the safety briefing, got room assignments, were run through the ship’s protocols, & were given our safety number.

A safety number on a ship is meant to keep anyone from being left behind. When you have individuals going in & out of the water & a "‘home base’ that actively moves between sites, it is important to insure that everyone has made it back from their dives & back on board. This is carried out by two crew members who go around with forms asking each of the divers their safety numbers to insure that they have returned. The safety number is given before you depart a site & once you arrive at a site. It also must only be given by the person whose safety number it is & has to be given to two separate crew members who check the number off as they go around the vessel. Additionally we were being checked in & out before & after getting into the water for any dive.

Our Quarters

Evan & my room assignment was under the galley on the lower level at the very end of the hall. We claimed bunks, sorted out of minimal belongings, returned upstairs to set up our gear in our respective stations on the dive deck, then returned to the galley to lounge about & read on the couple hours out to the reef.

The captain had instructed all of us to take sea sickness medication just in case as the ride out could be tumultuous & they were expecting some light storms to be rolling in. I took one & was fine. Evan, who had never been on a seafaring boat without stabilizers took one as well, just in case…more on that later…

School Of Fish

Our first dive site was at Milln Reef at a the Petaj Mooring site. We were all corralled up to the top deck for our dive briefing, this is where the vast majority of them would take place.

As an Eagle Scout & a Master Diver, I’m no stranger to a compass. What I am weirdly a stranger to is receiving dive instruction in compass headings. Typically you get information on a dive site & it says “go out here til you hit the wall, descend down the wall to ‘X’ amount of feet/meters, then go along with it on your left side til you reach ‘X’ amount of air in your tank, turn back around & slowly make your ascent as you head back towards the boat.” This was “go out to the mooring block, set your heading to 30°, go that direction until you hit the reef. Look around, see the sights, when your tank reaches ‘X’ amount, set your compass heading to 210° & come back to the boat.” This was possibly the simplest of them that we got. Some of them were three or four different headings to keep track of.

Kohl Tang & Moorish Idol

By the time we got in the water, it was already overcast which took visibility of anywhere from 50-100 feet down to about 30-40. Evan & I went off as a pair with the exact briefing as listed above in mind…we got lost.

Yes, it was my bad, but also, despite the precision, neither of us feel the briefing was overly clear. You see, the briefing said “go out to this reef that you’ll see & it looks like this.” What he & I both anticipated from past diving experiences was that when we were looking for something overly specific that it would be that. We were expecting a structure! Like big ole reef, like a cathedral (large reef usually around 30-40 minimum in height). So off we went in search of this nonexistent cathedral…& off we went…& off we went, all while maintaining our 30° heading.

We never did find that reef. Well, in hindsight, I think we did, we just went right on past it because it wasn’t the mammoth we were anticipating.

Fish At Safety Stop

At a certain point I started to get a little anxious. We were both going through that ‘first dive back’ burn through where you run through air faster than normal because you’re excited, or still feeling the act of diving out again, or recalibrating to all of it. So, Evan gives me the ‘half a tank’ indication & I start taking us back the 210° to where the mooring site should be.

I guess neither of us realized how far we’d gone out because we kicked for a good ten minutes in the direction we’d come & still weren’t seeing anything familiar, so with about a third of a tank left I made the executive decision to call the dive, surface, & kick back in once we made visual contact with the boat. I deployed my SMB, as you are meant to do in open water as a diver surfacing to indicate to boats not to run you over, & after completing our safety stop, we went up to the surface.

Y’all. We were so far away from the boat. Okay, not sooooo far, but still pretty far.

The boat had a little ‘rescue’ dingy that the dive master, Eddie, came out to meet us with. He asked if we were okay, I told him that we were but we’d just gotten a little lost & opted to surface & kick back instead of trying to navigate our way back underwater. He asked if we wanted a ride which I thought meant that he was going to have us get in the boat with him. Nope. He meant a ride that he would give us by towing us back using a rope that hung from the back of the dingy. We both grabbed onto the line & off he went.

Maxima Clam

When I say ‘off he went,” I mean off. he. went. I was struggling to hold on to the line the entirety of the time, to the point where I contemplated giving up & being like “we good, we’ll kick back.” The only problem was that if I let go I would go barreling into Evan, full tank, gear, & all, & risked injuring him. So I held on to the detriment of my hands.

After our first dive it was lunch time. We munched away our surface interval before returning back to the observation deck for another briefing.

Dive two was meant to be at the same spot only this time, instead of just Evan & me, I also got requested to guide a gent by the name of Lao whose family was staying behind to work on school work. I thought it humorous that they had bunched him in with the duo that had gotten lost (apparently we weren’t the only ones), but after clarifying some details about the reef I felt more confident in my ability to navigate the site. Down we descended back into Miiln Reef with Lao in tow.

Clown Triggerfish

The second dive went much, much smoother. We went around some of the shallower reefs & even saw a Clown Triggerfish which one of the training guides later said he hadn’t seen on the east end of Australia in a while! While under we gained two additional divers, two English guys who had just graduated Uni & were doing a tour of Southeast Asia, Australia, & New Zealand; Charlie & James. I actually managed to guide us all with little to no difficulty which is always comforting & overall it made for a much more pleasant dive than the somewhat panic filled first one.

At this point it was time to move moorings.

We stayed on Milln Reef but made or way a little farther Northeast to a site called “The Whale,” where we would be for the next three dives of our trip.

THE Mushroom Coral

The first dive at the whale was off the starboard side of the ship around a cathedral known as “little tracy.” I once again got to play guide this time with Evan, Charlie, James, & a new addition, Amani. We all go in & descended & off we went.

One of the defining feature of little tracy is a massive mushroom shaped coral. I’m not sure the exact type of coral, but it looked to be some type of crusting or shelving coral. When I tell you this coral was big enough to fit three dives head to toe underneath it & still have room, that is not an exaggeration. It may have been one of the largest single coral colonies I have ever seen. Truly a marvel to witness.

Titan Triggerfish

We meandered around the site seeing the usual things until I was given the ‘half tank’ signal & we started making our way back. It was at this point I rounded a bommie & ran smack into a Titan Triggerfish feeding on something in the sand.

For reference, titan triggers are the largest species of triggerfish, they can grow up to 30 inches in length. Most divers will tell you that they aren’t afraid of sharks in the water, it’s the titan triggers you have to look out for. Most of the time they’re not too aggressive, but the closer you get to their mating cycle, which is linked to the moon, the meaner they get & they will attack you.

Kuhl’s Stingray

I slowly backfinned away from the fish which actually didn’t seem to care too much about us fortunately. It actually swam off away from us, which typically I’ve only ever seen them kind of hang about.

Around another broomie we came upon a stingray burying itself in the sand which made for a lovely ending to our dive.

With the day’s dives done, it was now time to eat & rest up as we waited for the sun to go down.

One thing that cannot be understated, divers are a hungry lot. The average dive ends up burning anywhere from 400-800 calories so we usually breach the surface ready to eat our arms off. Especially if we’ve spent the morning with a light breakfast to help prevent sea sickness. Each of the meals was usually full on ‘clean plate’ club. After dinner it was time for the night dive.

Now here is where I get to throw Evan under the bus…but I guess also attempt to applaud him for his efforts. I am an advocate for a night dive. I think they’re a lot like a roller coaster where there’s a lot of nervous anxiety leading up, but once you’re under the water & exploring the ‘coolness’ outweighs the anxiety. Evan is someone who definitely still holds residual fear of water but also a slight fear of the dark. Night dives take place in the water after dark. Additionally, his brand of neurodiversity makes him very susceptible to overstimulation & panic, especially when he feels crowded or constricted. All of that to say, he was very anxious about attempting a night dive, but wanted to at least attempt it because I rave about them.

Grey Reef Shark

So we get briefed. We get told that since it’s so many people’s first time night diving that they require us to take a guide. We are given Eduardo as our guide. Our group consists of Eduardo, Evan, Charlie, James, Lao, Amani, & me. We suit up. We each take turns getting in the water. At this point it’s also worth noting that the storm that had been covering the sun all day was starting to pick up & add to the waves. So the plan was for each of us to get into the water, then for all of us to meet out at the mooring line, then descend as a group. We get in, get a lot of the way to the mooring line & everybody is already doing the ‘I’m actually afraid to do this’ cluster together which ends up with diver on top of diver on top of diver, all of us bobbing on the surface in the pitch dark, battling the waves. Charlie gleefully screams out “GUYS THERE’S A SHARK BELOW US!” Because there was about a three foot Blacktip Reef Shark about fifteen feet below us. It is at this point that Evan throws his regulator out of his mouth & exclaims to the group “I’M OUT, I CAN’T DO THIS, I CAN’T DO THIS, I’M OUT!” & proceeds to swim the fastest I have ever seen him swim in my life back to the stern of the boat & out of the water. I kid not, it took him maximum 10-15 seconds to make his “I’M OUT, I CAN’T DO THIS, I CAN’T DO THIS, I’M OUT!” exclamation, swim to the back of the boat, & get out of the water entirely. Eduardo just looked at me & goes “…is he coming back?” To which I gave a slight laugh, turned to look him in the eye & chuckling to myself said “no.” & down we sank into the inky black.

Great Travoly

There were quite a few sharks on the dive, Blacktip & small Grey Reef Sharks. We did also manage to see a singular Whitetip Reef Shark! We made our way back around little tracy flanked by Great Travoly & the occasional snapper. At one point one of the blacktips even came through the group, bumping into Lao & Charlie, who were fourth & fifth in line, along the way.

All in all it was a lovely night dive! We wrapped & rejoined the rest of the boat for an evening batch of cake & Evan joined us post ‘almost night dive’ panic attack & before too long we were showered, rest for bed, & drifting away in our bunks as the rain began to pour.

Dive Kits On The Ride Out To The Reef

End Of Day Six


Day Seven

Our call time for our morning dive was quite early but fortunately the weather had cleared for the time being. The dive was to be at big tracy, otherwise known as “The Whale,” the cathedral for which the mooring site was named.

The Whale was straight off the aft deck of the ship. I was once again leading this time with Charlie, James, & Evan in tow, I got us slightly lost…again.

The instructions we were given in the briefing were to go out to The Whale & head around it with the reef to our left shoulder. At the point in which you’re most likely just over half a tank you should see a very large Sea Fan, this is the point in which you should turn around. So that’s the plan we followed. Only…we never found the sea fan.

I promise you all, this is atypical for me. Normally I am a much more well versed diver. I just don’t necessarily think the landmarks in question were often as easy to spot as they made it seem. That being said, I was paying attention in the briefing & took “halfway around” to mean that the other half of the reef was close to, if not equidistant from where we were supposed to end up with the fan. So I just had us continue on.

At a certain point you start to get a little leery & start thinking “maybe we’re lost again, I feel like we should be back around by now.” It was also at this point that James seemed to be around a third of a tank, which made me anxious to get back as well. We pressed on, slowly ascending as we did, to the point where we were about 15-20 feet below there surface. We kept going around at this depth for about five more minutes before I decided just to once again call it & surface to see how far we were from the boat. Turns out we weren't far at all! I hadn’t actually gotten us lost & if we’d continued on for another 30 seconds to a minute we’d have seen it off to the right as we continued around. Totally meant to do that. Nailed it. Got us all the way around with absolutely no worry that we’d gone around more than once or hadn’t gone around all the way at all……

Remember the previous day when I made Evan take a seasick pill to prevent seasickness? Well he decided that since he hadn’t been sick the previous day that he would be perfectly fine to not take one. He hadn’t calculated in three things; he traditionally gets kind of car sick, we were moving to a different reef for the next dive, & the captain had opted to let the ten & twelve year old boys on board drive the boat for a bit…which resulted in them swerving all over the place & doing donuts… So Evan’s theory of him being someone who didn’t get seasick quickly came crashing down around him & he spent the rest of the day making friends with the many toilets around the ship.

We transferred, in a very squiggly, spirally line from Milln Reef to Flynn Reef. It is here that the remainder of our dives would take place. Our first stop was the Tennis Court, so named because of the massive sand arena surrounded by reef at the mooring site.

Since Evan was down for the count my dive group became Charlie & James, but also added back in Lao.

Orange Spotted Filefish

When you enter the Tennis Court you are instructed to got down over the edge of the reef wall & go along it with the reef on your left side until you reach half a tank at which point you are meant to come back up to the top of the reef & continue back until you hit the namesake which you are meant to noodle around in until it is time to come up. The dive was planned, we dove the plan.

Leopard Blenny

Nothing too interesting happened here, at least for us, with the exception of finding a cute little Leopard Blenny & an Orange Spotted Filefish! The clouds had rolled back in so the visibility was once again greatly diminished, but one of the groups saw something incredibly special.

Many divers have what is called “the big three.” These are three animals that are illusive or can be considered rare & seeing one is a treat. The big three typically include: Whale Sharks, Eagle Rays, & Manta Rays. The goal with each of these is to see them wild, without feeding influence, though I think a lot of people still count the latter encounter as marking the box. I have seen two of the three; Whale Sharks & a singular Eagle Ray that popped up during my check out dive for my Stress & Rescue certification in Bonaire, so I didn’t have a camera to capture it. My great want had been to see a wild, up influenced Manta Ray…which one group doing a skill checkout dive saw.

Jen & her instructor, George, were working on skills in the tennis court, knelt near the edge, doing river rescue when all of the sudden a massive Manta Ray came over the edge of the wall, swam around the court, & left. They, much like we did in Bonaire, stopped the skill test to watch the magnificent animal before continuing on. I was incredibly jealous, though I guess it seems fated for one of the big three to grace a diver during their stress & rescue course. Jen also saw another Manta at the following site…we are in a fight.

Our next dive site was Gordon’s Mooring. Having gotten sick of my guiding Charlie & James decided to go off & dive together & Lao returned to his family so I was once again buddy-less. This lovely Finnish couple; Aino & Paavo, offered to take me under their fin & off we went into Gordon’s Mooring.

The site is broken up into three distinct sections a part they call “Mickey Mouse” because from above, it looks like a Mickey Mouse…allegedly, a big brain coral, & an area of sand called the ‘fish bowl’ because it’s entirely clear with the exception of a rock that houses a massive anemone on its crest. This is one of the sites where we were given three or four different headings to keep track of.

I followed the duo into the blue, originally setting off in the direction of Mickey Mouse, which apparently we made it to…I never saw the mouse but again, everything looks different from the side verses overhead. From there we turned & headed towards the brain coral, which we saw & then went looking for the fish bowl…which we didn’t find.

At one point Paavo turns to me & gives me a hand signal that I interpreted as “where is the boat,” which he meant as “where is the fish bowl.” Truly my fault, he did to a big round shape instead of a cupped hand ‘V.” Either way I directed us right back to the boat which was probably for the best as the air was starting to run low. Not as useless at navigating as it seems I guess.

Green Moray Eel

We did find a pretty large, lovely Green Moray Eel near the mooring site. It was about halfway extended out of the rock working its way between the sand bed & the rock itself. He sat & watched it for a minute or so before it was time to enact our safety stop.

From there our day dives were over. Dinner was served & the rain began to pour sideways. Perfect timing & weather for a night dive.

Given the circumstances of the night before & his reaction to simply being in the water after day, I don’t think Evan would have night dove even if he were feeling physically up to it, which is a shame because it was a banger of the night dive.

I had let it slip to Paavo & Aino that I was a master diver which then prompted them to declare me the dive guide going forward. As I had basically been playing guide all weekend & the newly certified divers who were onboard wanted to try out a night dive, I got to be the leader of the dive for everyone who had previously been on a night dive before. My group included Charlie, James, Amari, & Lao. Since they would only let us go with groups of six the Finns opted to join another group, which I felt so bad about seeing as they were the first to ask if they could join me before everyone else jumped in.

Bumperhead Parrotfish

Hermon The Turtle

The main focus of the dive was a turtle named Hermon. Now, Hermon is no ordinary turtle. Hermon is a massive, & I mean massive turtle. Like think shell size about five to six feet. Massive. The lovely think about Hermon is they are predictable & they tuck themselves up under the same rock every night to sleep, it is just shy of the ‘Mickey Mouse.’ Another offering of the site was that at night the Bumperhead Parrotfish tend to congregate & sleep just around the mooring site. So those were the two main things we were all searching for.

I started to get really nervous when at around 15 minutes into the dive I still hadn’t found Hermon, I felt like I failed the group. Then I got an intuitive pull to turn right into a small cove & there it was! The largest turtle I have ever seen in my life. No joke, I was floored by the size of the reptile! With shielded light I hovered allowing each of the divers in my group to pass through & see the turtle, doing my best not to wake it up. I felt instant relief, but also dread. I was very concerned that Paavo & Aino would finish the dive without seeing it, fortunately they did!

Feeling like an accomplished guide we continued around the reef til it was time to go back, at which point we ran smack into the school of parrotfish! They were massive too, but unlike the turtle, they were very much awake & wanted nothing to do with us.

After the dive Amani had planned a birthday celebration for her 38th. She brought candles & party hats & decorations & had the chef make her a cake. It was an interesting endeavor. Caked up & with Evan finally starting to feel better we went to sleep amidst the driving rain.

Afternoon Rain On The Reef

End Of Day Seven


Day Eight

One more partial day of diving kicked off with one more rainy dive at Gordon’s Mooring. Our call to dive was early, early as the crew was trying to get three dives in for us before heading back to Cairns. According to my dive log we were in the water by 6:45 AM. This was post breakfast & we were also the last group off of the boat.

I’m not going to list members of the dive party here, with the exception of Evan who was finally well enough to return diving after spending a day deep in the trenches of sea sickness, & that is because there is drama. Oo y’all, there is tea! I’m excited to share it. All I will say is there were four of us total & it wasn’t a configuration listed in any of the previous dives sooooo keeping you guessing here. We will refer to the divers involved as Diver A & Diver B. Okay? Okay.

So. We start out the dive pretty standard, with the exception of Diver A making us the last into the water. They slept through the briefing, came down late, & would get half suited up then have to leave because they’d forgotten something or because they had to use the restroom or whatever else. Since they were a solo diver & I was the unofficial impromptu dive guide of the trip, we got to wait around for them… Finally we told them we weren’t waiting any longer, either they get suited up & ready to go or they’re getting left behind. They joined.

In we went & down we went.

School of Sheepshead Parrotfish

Though he were still at Gordon’s we were actually diving a site off the stern referred to as Little Tracy. Lot’s of Little Tracys on the reef it seems. The site was a short swim over to this massive reef where the Sheepshead Parrotfish school. They were one of the first things that we ran into when we hit the reef.

So the dive plan, that Diver A clearly slept through but insisted they hadn’t but whom I was still guilted into taking, was to go around the edge of Little Tracy with it on the right shoulder at around 60-ish feet, hit just above half a tank, turn around & do the reef on our left side at around 30-40 feet. At about the halfway point we ran into our first Whitetip Reef Shark of the day. It quickly dipped when we rolled up. Diver A tried to follow it…by themselves…out into the open ocean. We all rattled & banged tanks til they turn around & back we all went.

Anemone, Clownfish, & Chromis at the Fish Bowl

Remember in the previous paragraph when I said “go around at 60, then come up to about 30-40 & come back?” Yeah, Diver A didn’t join us at that 30-40 range, they stayed down at the 60…

We went back around Little Tracy & since we all still had ample air, instead of cutting back to the boat, I took up back up the slope towards the shallow end of the site. It was there that we FOUND THE FISH BOWL!!! The spot on the site that many of us didn’t think existed because no one had found it the previous day, we found it & the anemone there within! With everyone finally in the 30-ish feet range we started to make our way back to the boat.

Here is where the drama starts kicking off.

Whitetip Reef Shark

On our way back we ran into another Whitetip Reef Shark. This one was about ten feet below us & didn’t seem to mind us as much as the previous one. That was until Diver A took off after it once again, urging one of us to get their picture with it, but the shark couldn’t be bothered & chuckin’ up the deuces, swam off into deeper water…which the diver continued to follow it into.

At this point I had just decided that my consistent insistence for them to come join the rest of our group at the depth we were gradually ascending from was going to go unanswered. We got back to the boat where a drop bar sat in the water at fifteen feet for people to hold onto during their safety stop. The three of us who are not down at 40-50 feet are making any noise we can to get the other diver’s attention who is now just chillin’ a good 25-35 feet below us. We keep giving the signal to ‘come up’ the signal for ‘safety stop’ nothing is happening. I start to worry that Diver A may be experiencing Narcosis at which point & I am preparing to have to initiate a rescue, which could have been avoided if they’d have stayed with the group… It is at this point that Diver A just calls it. They kick up from 40-50 feet all the way to the surface, not a safety stop or a slow ascent in sight. Up & back into the boat they go. We are all stunned.

Diver B wraps their safety stop & goes up. I, as someone guiding & as a master diver, will typically try to be first in & last out just to make sure everyone else got along okay. What I surface to is a screaming match happening between Diver A & Diver B on the aft dive deck with Eduardo, one of the instructors & crew, in the middle trying to mediate & break it up.

Evan had surfaced around the time that Diver B started getting out of the water so he saw the entirety. That was not who I got the story from first.

I first got the story from Diver A when I got back onto the ship. At this point Diver B had gone off to take off gear & I guess Diver A was waiting around for me to have someone to rat them out to. They came up to me, literally as I’m climbing out of the water & start complaining to me about how Diver B has no business telling them what to do, how they think Diver B must be a novice because they don’t know anything about diving (I know Diver B had a much higher cert than A,) how they, Diver A, are an instructor, so they know what you’re doing & talking about (they aren’t), & how I, as the guide & as a master diver should be so upset with Diver B & report them to PADI. They didn't let me get a word in but before I knew it they had stormed off, leaving a trail of gear for everyone else to pick up in their wake.

After I set my gear down I walked over to Diver B, asked if they were okay, got the story from them, then also from Evan, & also from anyone else who was around to see it. This is what they say happened:

-Diver A gets out of the water all pissed, cursing Diver B out, ranting to Eduardo about them.

-Diver B gets out, is immediately verbally assaulted by Diver A who is going on about how incompetent they are, how they know more than Diver B.

-They argue over all of the points I listed above; skipping the briefing, making us wait, not diving safely or sticking to the plan, not ascending slowly, not doing a safety stop at all. Diver B drives home how Diver A’s actions put all of us at risk, endanger not only themselves but the other divers, & talk about how their actions had the potential to damage the reputation or livelihood not only of me but also the dive company at large. All valid points.

That was the last we heard of it other than me talking to Eddie the dive master on board to report the incident & filling in anyone who was around & overheard everything on what happened. Naturally Diver A was not assigned to me for the last dive.

At this point we had shifted away from Gordon’s & had moved on to a site called Coral Gardens. Evan decided following the drama of the previous dive that he was done, he’d had enough, even though he actually greatly enjoyed the morning dive all things considered. So I once again extended myself back to the Finns, Paavo & Aino, who became my dive buddies again. In addition to the duo, Jen extended interest in diving with us. She had just finished out her Stress & Rescue course & was now free to wrap up the rest of her dives as she saw fit, so she became the fourth member of our party.

The dive plan for Coral Gardens was kind of the opposite of the Tennis Court the day prior, the sites were similar in design as well. Instead of descending & diving with the wall on our left we were to do the wall on the right, crest the top, & return to the sand beds to swim around & look at things. All in all I think it may have been the most pleasant dive of the trip. All parties involved were very relaxed & enjoying the dive. The sun even came out about halfway through it!

Blue Spotted Rabbitfish

Semicircled Angelfish

Maxima Clam

I think I was much more relaxed too because it allowed me to actually take the time to look for things hidden in the rocks & not worry about what a million people were doing or if we were lost. We saw a number of stunning Maxima Clams, a number of different pufferfish, a Flower Cod, some Blue-spotted Rabbitfish, & even a Semicircled Angelfish fighting with a Damselfish over the Damsel’s eggs. Unfortunately about the point where we returned to the sand beds my Oceanic+ Dive Housing decided to glitch, but it allowed me just to enjoy the dive even further without the pressure of taking content. Coral Gardens was a really solid site with some really competent & enjoyable divers to end the trip on.

The boat had one more dive planned at the same site but I was encroaching on the 18-24 hour ‘no-fly’ time if I went on it so I opted just to end our trip on a higher note & not try to jeopardize that.

The rain also didn’t hold off for long. By the time the last dive had started it was once again pouring sideways which it would do the whole way back right up until about the last hour of our trek.

On our way back we were asked to do a few things, clean up & repack our rooms, wash & repack our gear, & assemble everything on the deck. Lunch was also served during this time. At one point while I was packing up my gear on the dive deck I heard Charlie call from the upper deck about a Dolphin. Sure enough, in the wake of the boat, jumping in & out of the water, was a dolphin! It didn’t stay long, but it was worth standing out in the rain to catch.

We made it back to Cairns around 3 or 4 in the afternoon. From there we departed via passenger van & were taken back to the Dive Shop to settle up any costs we may have accrued along the way, before we all bid each other farewell & were driven to our respective hotels.

Evan & I were staying at the Hilton Cairns, right on off of the marina. Since we paid with points they actually ended up upgrading us to one of the King Executive Suites with a balcony overlooking Trinity Inlet & Grey Peaks National Park. We rewashed out gear once again & hung it out to dry as best we could from our covered balcony using the railing & the furniture to drape over.

Wattle Seed Damper

For dinner I had found us a restaurant called Ochre that offered a modern spin on Aboriginal foods native to Australia, or as the locals call it, Bush Tucker. Aside from being an incredible name for an Australian Drag Queen, bush tucker consists of the fruits, proteins, nuts, & vegetation native to all the different regions of Australia & Ochre offers a prefix menu that showcases all of them! Which is what Evan & I ordered.

Antipasto Plate

The dinner came with the following: a Wattle Seed Damper with Native Dukka & Olive Oil, the Australian Antipasto Plate with Lemon Aspen & Beetroot Gravlax, Emu Wontons with Davidson Plum, Wild Spice Kangaroo with Rosella Relish, & Smoked Crocodile with Finger Lime. The menu also included Salt & Pepper Leaf Crocodile & Prawns with Vietnamese Pickles & Lemon Aspen Sambal, Char Grilled Kangaroo Sirloin with Sweet Potato Dauphinoise, Bok Choy, Quandong, & Chilli Sauce, & Local Tablelands Beef Tenderloin. We also added an order of Roasted New Potatoes with Duck Fat, Rosemary, & Sea Salt & an order of their Secret Spice Fries with Garlic Mayo. Finally for dessert we were given a Wattleseed Pavlova with Davidson Plum & Macadamia Nut Biscotti & Quandong Sorbet.

I know, I just threw a lot at you. There’s a lot there that I am sure a non-Australia audience has no idea about, which to be fair, neither did we, nor do I fully understand the extent of all we ate. Luckily Ochre offers a companion guide with can be found at the link below!

Forward To Back: Beef Tenderloin, Bok Choy, Kangaroo Sirloin

Out of all the things that we ate I think that our favorites were the Spice Kangaroo, the Tenderloin, the Wattle Damper, & the New Potato. I quite liked the smoked Crocodile, but Evan was less inclined towards it. Additionally we both got two cocktails, each of which was exceptional! I got the Tropical Fruits Daiquiri which had about five or six different tropical fruits in it & a frozen Lychee/Gin drink.

I unfortunately missed the most exciting part of dinner while I was in the restroom. I got a text about the time I was washing my hands that said “get back here asap, you’re missing it.” What was I missing? Well, it seems that in my absence the Danish family behind us had begun to order dinner; father, mother, two children under 10. When the parents ordered kangaroo the children proceeded to stand up on their chairs & scream, full volume, at their parents expressing their distain & distaste for the order place. This continued apparently for a minute or so. I missed the entirety of it.

We paid our tab & made our short walk back through the rain to our hotel where it wasn’t long before we were both down for the count & had drifted off to sleep.

Cairns Harbour

End Of Day Eight


Day Nine

We had another early wake up call. Our flight to Adelaide was to leave Cairns at 8 AM, so I think we left our hotel around 6 AM. Which was fine because it allowed us to experience a stellar sunrise! Evan had scheduled us an Uber initially but upon leaving the hotel lobby to stand outside & wait, he realized he’d accidentally booked it for 6 PM. So we frantically searched for another, getting a ride about twenty minutes later. This made us both go into a little bit of a frenzy as we’d run into the stickler-ish nature of the transit authority in Sydney which had almost late for our flight out to Cairns. It turned out to be fine & the Cairns Airport was a breeze.

Evan & I are both neurodivergent, though in different ways & different capacities, however we are both into fragrance. One of the things we’d decided on was the need for unique souvenirs, if we were to get any at all. So we wanted to find a fragrance from the location we visit, if possible, & a bit of dishware to have a mismatch set of plates, bowls, & cups from around the world. We checked off both of those boxes at the duty free stores in the Cairns Airport.

I stumbled upon an Aussie fragrance brand while here in the states called Goldfield & Banks. I actually already had a love for their fragrance Pacific Rock Moss. Fortunately for me the shop in the airport was having an after Christmas sale on the brand & I ended up getting a full 100ml bottle with a free 10ml travel size for around $100 USD, typically $205 USD for just the 100ml. Additionally, since I’d spent a certain amount, I was gifted a 10ml of Bohemian Lime, another excellent fragrance of theirs, & a sample pack which contained Pacific Rock Moss, Bohemian Lime, & Sunset Hour. I made out like a bandit.

On the other side of the store Evan had found a local pottery brand called Pottery For The Planet. They are an Australian/Southeast Asian based company who strived to create dishware that helps to reduce our impact on the planet. Instead of buying them in the shop he ordered a few pieces from their site, that way we’d be safe to travel without the fear of the ceramics breaking. The site lets you pick the origin of your pottery so since we were looking for Australian pieces that’s naturally what we went with! We ended up with two mugs & two travel bowls that came with silicone toppers!

We found ourselves some coffee, grabbed a bite of food, & shortly boarded our flight from Cairns to Adelaide, leaving behind The Great Barrier Reef & the rain it decided to dump on us the whole weekend long.

Sunrise Over Trinity Inlet

Day Nine To Be Continued…


Reef At Sunset On The First Day

END OF PART TWO

Travel Blog: Australia- Part One: New Year, New Continent

PART ONE:

Day One

Maroubra, New South Wales, Australia

Sydney Airport

Of late I’ve decided I’m going to spare you all the boring details where the flight portion of my trips have been concerned. I hope that is alright with you all. Here’s all I’ll say in that regard. Evan & I departed Nashville on Saturday, December 28th around 4 PM, we had a three hour layover in LAX before departing there at 10:40 PM aboard a Sydney bound American Airlines flight. As per usual, we treated our flight attendants to a care package as a thank you for the time they were about to put in on our behalf. The flight was around fourteen hours & in fact we ended up landing an hour earlier than expected which resulted in us getting to sit on the jetway while we waited for a gate to open up. The local time of our arrival was around 8 AM on  Monday December the 30th. After breezing through customs & immigration we met our friends Isabella & Logan & off we went to Bella’s mother’s house in Maroubra where we were to stay for the next two nights.

Before we venture farther I want to tell you a bit on the above mentioned pair & their importance to the story here within, especially in this first part. Isabella is an incredibly talented singer/songwriter who is originally a Sydney native, but now lives in Nashville, where we met. We met through our friend Blake & immediately hit it off. I think it’s because we share a lot of the same interests, but back in the summer when we all went camping, Isabella invited Evan & me to spend Christmas & New Year’s Eve in Sydney at her mother’s. I told her that my own mother would kill me if I didn’t come home for Christmas, but we took her up on transitioning into the new year abroad. Logan, Isabella’s boyfriend & a ludicrously talented fashion designer, came into the picture back at the end of the summer & he too took Bella up on her invitation, only he also ventured over for the Christmas holiday.

Isabella’s mother, Barbara, retired to an apartment on the East Coast of Australia, in a suburb of Sydney called Maroubra. Her two bedroom sits literally across the street from the ocean & the very famous Maroubra pool, Mahon Pool. We dropped our bags at hers before we went off in search of coffee, the local time now being around 9 AM. The plan was to dress for the pool, grab coffee & pastries from down the hill, then go to the pool to swim, sun, & eat.

The Grumpy Baker

The spot we ended up was a local Sydney chain called The Grumpy Baker. We each got a couple of pastries from them; I got a Lamington (an Australian dessert made of spongecake that is dusted in cocoa & coconut) & a Seafood Meat Pie (Salmon, whitefish, & prawns in a white wine creams sauce packed in a flaky pasty crust), as well as an Affogato (espresso poured over vanilla gelato). The roaster for TGB is called Single O, & in all honesty, it was the best coffee we found during our time in Sydney! With all of our baked goods & caffeinated beverages secured we walked back up the hill to the pool.

Mahon Pool

The Australian coast has its fair share of “natural pools,” especially around Sydney. They’re man made structures that are built right into the side of the coast & sit below the waves during high tide being fed & cleared by the ocean. In addition to the concrete incasing, the pools feature built in steps with hand rails & an additional drainage system but still maintain the natural rock work & often the natural flora & fauna as well. They’re honesty lovely. So we sat about in the sun, eating our selected delicacies, sipping our espresso, & catching up, eventually venturing into the cool ocean once the sun got too intense.

Coastal Hike

After our morning in the salt & sun we made our way back up to the house where Evan & I formally met Barbara. We then sat around in her garden chatting & getting to know one another truly enjoying the 70 degree weather & the company.

Around mid afternoon Isabella proposed a hike. She said we’d take the bus up to Coogee & hike the coastal trail from there to Bondi. Logan had scouted a restaurant for us to dine at once we arrived there & had booked us a reservation, so off we went.

Iris

Icebergs At Bondi Beach

The bus from Maroubra to Coogee was a short one & we instantly found Coogee to be far less ‘sleepy’ a town from neighboring Maroubra, where unlike the casual neighborhood vibe we found Coogee abuzz with tourists & locals enjoying the holiday. We set about the Bondi to Coogee trail, in reverse, weaving up the coast line making our way through the coves, parks, cliff sides, & beaches. The walk was stunningly beautiful & the weather was sheer perfection. All in all it took us between an hour to an hour & a half before eventually we landed at the famous Icebergs of Bondi Beach, another natural seaside rock pool. We had about forty-five minutes until our reservation but, unlike the Maroubra Pool, the Bondi Iceberg is privately owned & has a cover of $10 AUD per person. We opted just to go down to the beach & take a dip.

Spaghetti With Swimmer Crabs & Cuttlefish

Our 5 PM reservation was at an Italian restaurant called Bondi Trattoria. We were greeted by one of the owners who sat us, explained their specials, & got us situated. I ordered a drink called a “Boom Boom” which was a gin/limoncello/prosecco/lemon spritz & Evan & I split an order of Focaccia, Bugs’ in Garlic Butter, Truffled Four Cheese Pizza, & a citrusy Spaghetti with Swimmer Crab & Cuttlefish.

I’m sure for my Americans the term ‘bugs’ was a jarring one to read. Believe you me, I was a touch put off when I saw it listed on the menu. However, bugs are a local crustacean known as al Balmain Bug. It’s like a smaller, flatter lobster. They’re quite good eating!

Cockatiels

After dinner we hopped an uber back to Maroubra where we each took turns showering before we settled into the couch to watch a show the three of them had been watching over the holidays called Head. I didn’t make it very far into the episode though before the day in the sunshine & the lack of sleep started to catch up to me & before I ended up falling asleep on the couch I got myself up & took myself to bed.

Bondi To Coogee Walk

End Of Day One


Day Two


I’d like to say we slept in, we didn’t. I have this obnoxious thing happen when I’m abroad where I wake up naturally fairly early. Australia seems to have been no exception. We awoke to a bright, shining New Year’s Eve & as was meant to become routine we once again started it off with The Grumpy Baker & a dip in Mahon Pool.

Muesli

My bevy of choice was once again an affogato, only this time I opted for something smaller to snack on as Barbara had expressed interest in the five of us all going out to brunch at a cafe down in Little Bay where she knew one of the owners.

The restaurant in question is called Piccola Baia. It’s an Italian bakery that sits at the end of a strip a little inland from the beach. As per expected, we were greeted by the owner, who sat us & showed us around the menu & talked their specialties. Most of the group went for full on breakfast spreads but I opted for the Muesli with a Hazelnut Macchiato. Many coffees & conversations later I snuck off to grab the bill, a small thank you for allowing us to stay, & we went about making our plans for the rest of the day.

Vanilla Cone With A Flake

Barbara opted to not join us for the rest of the afternoon’s escapades so Evan, Logan, & I sat at the restaurant for about twenty minutes while Isabella returned her mother home. We talked life & travel while sipping bitter Chinotto Sodas & Mango Smoothies before Bella returned & we continued on farther south.

Shell at Congwong

Isabella took us down to Botany Bay for a peak at the fort & a potential swim. Botany Bay is where Captain Cook first landed in Australia & is currently the home to the Bare Island Fort as well as a number of stunning beaches & reefs. Isabella bought us all ice cream from one of the trucks parked there & we went down the promenade to peek around the fort, which was closed for the holiday. We followed this up by walking back to the car where we changed into swimwear before making our way down to Congwong Beach.

We didn’t stay at Congwong long, mostly just long enough to dip in the ocean & go poking around the rocks & tide pools for small critters. The beach was stunning though; clear blue water, minimal waves, soft white sands. Stunning.

The plan for the evening was to have a charcuterie dinner complete with Aperol spritzes but for all of that we needed a few things from the shops. That’s where the mall comes in.

Once again, for my American audience, that last sentence may seem a bit confusing. I didn’t realize that is where we were headed until we got there, but before groceries we had to make a throwback of a stop at Kmart.

Yes. Kmart. No, not the same Kmart as is in the US, but also not not the same. I would say this Kmart situation was about halfway between a Walmart & an American Target, because yes, there is Australian Target, & no it is not the same…it was bought & is not operated by…kmart.

Side bar. This will come up a lot in this blog series. This ‘x’ thing exists, just like in the states, except ‘x’ thing is entirely different here. There’s also the inverse where you have something like Burger King in the US which is Hungry Jack’s in Australia. Same restaurant, different name. There are even brands that are the same item with different names or items with the same name but an entirely different product there within. It’s like being in an alternate universe where the seasons are switched, the healthcare is universal, & a lot of the animals can kill you.

Back to Kmart.

Bella had a few things she wanted to pick up there but we had all decided that we wanted to get this matching pair of pajama pants that Logan had bought a few days prior for hanging around the house in the evening with. Did I mention the Kmart was in the mall? I may have said it but glazed over the specifics. From Kmart we then went to the chemist for sunscreen, Aldi for cheese & other charcuterie offerings, & the liquor store for Prosecco & Aperol, all of which were within the mall. Yes, the mall also had your clothing stores, your shoe stores, your what have you, but it also had a full on grocer, liquor store, smoke shop, etc, etc, etc. Truly an all-in-one experience. With all of the bags secured we headed back to Maroubra to prepare for the evening’s festivities.

Charcutes


I suppose it’s worth noting, as I’ve had people ask, why we didn’t do Sydney Harbour for New Year’s Eve. Well it was proposed, but the options surrounding it were basically camp out all day to try & get a good view of the bridge & the fireworks, pay around $500 a person to get into somewhere with a good view, or have a lowkey ringing in of the new year & watch the fireworks down the coast from Maroubra. We all opted for the latter.

We all got into our matching pjs & Bella & Logan made the boards & the spritzes. We all enjoyed them in the garden, conversing & watching the people gather in the park in preparation for the 9 PM fireworks they did for the kids. It wasn’t too far into the evening that Isabella’s friend Barbara (not to be confused with her mother) joined us. A lovely, beaming light of a human, we got to know Barbara & hear of her many adventures before darkness fell & we wandered down into the park with the rest of the folks to watch the festivities unfold.

From Mistral Point, the park at the top of Maroubra, you can see all the way down the coast to Bondi. Coogee, which is about halfway between the two, does their fireworks at 9 PM so that people can get their children off to bed. It apparently used to be that Bondi would also do theirs then & you would get two shows for one simply by being at Mistral Point, we only saw Coogee’s.

Coogee Fireworks

Following the fireworks we went back to Barbara’s & continued to lounge, eat, drink, & enjoy each other’s company.

About an hour later we were joined by another friend of Isabella’s who had just come from a singing engagement in the city. Felicity, she told us stories of her singing gig mishaps & we all continued along laughing, eating, & drinking until Midnight rolled around.

We weren’t really sure if anyone along the beach was planning to do a midnight launch of fireworks, but we went back out to the point anyway. We were pleasantly surprised when we were able to see almost the entirety of Sydney Harbour’s show sans the bridge bit, just from where we were sat! There were an additional two or three shows going on as well but none of us could decide where they were based out of.

With the second set of fireworks finished out we went back to the apartment once again where we packed up the board, finished off our drinks, wished each other a happy new year, & drifted off to sleep.

Me, Isabella, Logan, & Evan

End Of Day Two


Day Three


Happy New Year! Welcome to 2025!

Huntsman Spider

We DID actually sleep in on the morning of the first of January 2025, all of us. I think until at least around noon. We all groggily emerged from our respective sleeping chambers & stations & began the day as the newly minted ritual insisted, with The Grumpy Baker & a dip in Mahon Pool, finding a rather large Huntsman Spider hunkered in the gutter along the way.

Evan & I were set to depart Maroubra on this day so after about thirty minutes to an hour at the pool we returned to the house, showered, cleaned up, repacked, & assembled all of our belongings in preparation for our turn in downtown Sydney.


Sydney, New South Wales, Australia

It was fairly late in the afternoon when we made our way into Sydney proper. Isabella had offered to give us a ride in to our hotel so that we didn’t have to take an Uber. She also gave us a bit of a tour of the different districts as we drove through.

Our hotel, Aiden by Best Western Darling Harbour, was, as the name suggests located in Darling Harbour. I had found it while looking for post NYE accommodations in the city through a TikTok where an influencer had stayed there. Taking advantage of the exchange rate Ev & I booked the King “Influencer” Suite for what equated to us to be about $200 a night.

Bed with Custom Mural at Aiden Darling Harbour

The hotel was charming, featuring a bar & restaurant as you walk in & filtered still & sparkling water on tap on each floor.

We were given the corner room on the 6th floor. It had a wrap around balcony with views of the harbour & surrounding city & a number of darling (get it?) details including a hand painted mural by the bed, a seating nook, a ‘mud room’-esque entrance, an espresso machine, & amazingly, a fully enclosed shower!

This is where I go on a bit of a rant.

Bathroom at Aiden Darling Harbour

This one goes out to The UK, Australia, & Europe. Y’all. What is up with the half glass showers?! If you don’t know what I’m talking about, all over The UK, Australia, & Europe you will find a shower with a sheet of glass that only covers about two-three feet & then the rest of the shower is entirely open to the bathroom. So, no matter how hard you try, you end up getting water everywhere, all over the bathroom. It’s not like there’s a pane of glass, then a curtain, no. It’s just this sliver of glass right where the shower head falls & that’s it. Yes, there’s usually a drain in the middle of the bathroom floor as well. Yes, there’s sometimes a tub that accompanies this, but why is this the standard?! Just enclose your showers. You don’t even have to use a full pane of glass, just add a curtain.

-End of Rant-

View from room at Aiden Darling Harbour

Addendum: I’m sure Evan will want me to add in the fact that upon arriving at our room the couple in the room next to us was very clearly… *clears throat “engaged” in certain activities…very loudly. Like we’re talking loud enough that we could hear them from the balcony clear on the other side of the room from the shared wall. Other than that, we never heard a peep from our fellow hotel goers the remainder of our stay.

Isabella & Logan are not out of this story yet, btw. In fact the plan was for them to drop us off, allow us to get checked in & drop our bags in the room, then head over to the main part of the city for dinner. So that’s exactly what we did.

Fish Finger Bao at King Clarence

I had found a place in the city called King Clarence, a contemporary Asian fusion restaurant. We arrived right around the time that they opened & without having a reservation they told us that they were able to seat us for about an hour & some change but that was about it.

I don’t want to break off in another rant here, but I feel I must. Something I noticed about Australia is that restaurants & bars are not afraid to rush you the hell out of the door. They come around grabbing plates & empty cups as soon as they look even the slightest bit empty, to the point where I often had to stop the waiter & say “sorry, still working on that.” This is not an exclusively King Clarence issue, in fact I understand their rush, they told us we had limited time, but this is a phenomenon I noticed all over the island to the point where I often perceived it to be a little rude. Anyway, back to dinner.

Duck Tsukune at King Clarence

At King Clarence they offer something that I found common amongst a lot of Aussie restaurants as well, where you can basically order an ‘I trust you’ for a set price per person & they bring you basically a prefix menu of their choosing. Kind of enjoyed that…even though that’s not what we ordered anywhere…

Wagyu at King Clarence

At King Clarence Evan & I ordered Fish Finger Bao with Mustard Greens, American Cheese, Pickled Chili, & Salmon Caviar, Duck Tsukune with Water Chestnuts, Hoisin Tare, Shokupan, & Onsen Tomago, Mapo Tofu with Red King Prawns, Smoked Marrow, & Baby Corn, & then the four of us split an order of the Rangers Valley Wagyu MB5 with Chickpea Miso, Horseradish Oroshi, & Sweet Soy, the Wood Roasted Pork Belly Ssam with Leaves, Pickles, & Condiments (think lettuce wraps), Wok Fried Greens with Strange Flavour, Typhoon Shelter, & Szechuan Peppers, & the Short Grain Claypot Rice with Char Siu Pork Jowl, Garlic Chive, & Egg Yolk. Additionally I got a bomb cocktail, though now I can’t recall the name or anything about it. My bad.

I think all in all our favorite things that we ordered were the Duck Tsukune, the Wagyu, & the Claypot Rice!

At dinner Logan informed us that he had surprised Bella with tickets to Nosferatu in the city & their showing was around 8:15 if we wanted to join. We opted in & made our way back across Darling Harbour to change into comfier clothes & hop in the parked car to head to the movie.

On our way to the Palace Norton St Cinema, the theater Isabella & her father used to go to, we passed their old home. Located off of Glebe Street, the townhome had a charming New Orleans-esque style to it. The area itself perpetuating that feeling.

We got to the theater fairly early, fortunately it had a bar & snack stand open. The theater is known for their “Choc Tops” an ice cream cone of varying flavors dipped in chocolate. I got a Macadamia Nut & Caramel one & woof, it was fire. In addition I got an Alcoholic Ginger Beer, something we must do more of in the states, & a bag of their famous Olive Oil Popcorn!

I deeply enjoyed Nosferatu…as an art piece. I don’t think that it’s a film I would see again, or seek out to see again, but I did still find it incredibly enjoyable & macabre. Most of the reactions of the people coming out of the theater were along the lines of “WTF did I just watch?!” Which I think is fair. Roberts Eggers (the director) is not for everyone I suppose.

With the day’s events wrapped & more than enough food to carry us into the night, Isabella took Evan & I back to our hotel & off we went our separate ways, capping off a truly wonderful New Year’s Day!

Building In Sydney

End Of Day Three


Day Four



Thai Town

Back in Nashville, & frequently in LA, Evan & I attend Barry’s Bootcamp classes. Barry’s is an international fitness brand that utilizes fifty minute HIIT classes, alternating rounds between lifting/HIIT & use of a treadmill or bike. You also have the option to “double floor” if cardio isn’t your vibe for whatever reason. Australia is home to several Barry’s locations, the majority of which are located in Sydney. We decided to make our way to one of these locations. The Barry’s we found our way to was located in Surry Hills.

Making our way from Darling Harbour to Surry Hills we made a pass through Thai Town. While in Thai Town we stopped at a coffee shop that I had found previously called Kingswood Coffee, where I got an Iced Hazelnut Latte.

Kingswood Recyclable Glass Iced Coffee Jar

Australia is famous for their coffee, truly. They revolutionized the industry a few years ago & since then they have been a hot spot for quality coffee the world over, so there is no shortness of incredible coffee to be found.

Kingswood is located on the outer edge of the World Center in Thai Town. Hidden amongst the collection of mostly restaurants with a few shops dotted throughout, Kingswood does something that drives me, as a consumer, nuts. They don’t have a menu, you just order what you want & hope they can make it. They do however give you your iced coffee in a reusable/recyclable glass jar which they instruct you to either wash & reuse yourself, or chuck it into the numerous recycling bin that dot the Sydney streets. I liked that aspect of it.

We got to Barry’s pretty early, but that allowed us to do a bit of shopping. I have Barry’s merch from all over the world; Singapore, London, LA, Nashville, etc, so I was excited to get some from Australia! I ended up getting a yellow “Barry’s Australia” Dry Fit Shirt & a hella comfortable, sky blue, “Barry’s Sydney” pullover.

After our class we had a little bit of time to burn. I had wanted to see about getting another pair of running shoes, the ones I came to Australia with had the rubber layer of the soles coming off. So we went up to Westfield Sydney, a mall at the center of the downtown area.

Initially we found Sydney to be a little sleepy as well, we were wondering, as we walked to Barry’s why all of the streets were so dead despite being in the city & where all of the people where. We found them, they were all at the mall.

I didn’t end up finding any shoes at the mall, but we did end up in Aesop. I needed some sunscreen & a post sun product as well as Evan needing a few things & the conversion rate, along with Aesop being an Australian brand, made it hard to pass up. Our sales associate there, Victoria, went above & beyond & even gave us a list of coffee shops, bars, & restaurants in Sydney to check out. The first of those was Edition Roasters, a Matcha/Coffee bar around the corner.

I didn’t necessarily want another coffee so I went with their signature Iced Matcha. It was heavenly, truly may have been one of the best matcha lattes I’ve ever had in my life.

Helen Of Troy Sivan

We had an afternoon date set with Isabella & Logan at the Art Gallery of New South Wales. So we walked back to the hotel to change & freshen up before the museum.

We met the two of them on the steps of the museum after our Uber dropped us off. The Art Gallery is two separate buildings set in the middle of a park called The Domain. We only did the southern building on this day.

We walked around the gallery a bit with Bella & Logan, drifting in & out of the exhibit halls, before we nestled into the cafe for the duo to get a coffee. We sat there & chatted for a bit before making our way to the Aboriginal art section & then lastly venturing into the gift shop where Evan bought a few postcard sized prints to take home of pieces that we had seen around the gallery.

Here is where we, & our tales, say goodbye to Isabella & Logan. they had been our hosts & companions for the four days prior but it was time for the four of us to go our separate ways. Isabella & Logan had plans to go with her mother up to an Onsen in The Blue Mountains & we were departing the next day from Sydney to go up to Cairns (see part two for that). We hugged them both, exchanged wishes of great times & fortune, & off we went.

Ginger Blossoms in the Sydney Royal Botanic Gardens

Isabella had suggested to us that we walk north from the gallery through the Royal Botanic Gardens & from there make our way up to the Sydney Opera House, just so we could say we’d seen it & the Harbour Bridge. Being a massive lover of botanics, you didn’t have to tell me twice.

Giant Fig Tree in the Sydney Royal Botanic Gardens

Before making our way through the Botanic Gardens, we stopped at one of the stalls for a snack. Evan had become a bit hangry, so we split a sandwich, planning to have dinner on the early side.

The gardens were stunning! There was a whole section of all different kinds of Ginger, each blooming their own unique style & variations of the waxy, honeycomb like flowers they put out. There were tons of varietals of Bird-of-Paradise, a shaded Fern garden, & some of the largest Fig trees I have ever seen in my life. Some of the trees had to be hundreds of years old & were spread out in all directions in just as many feet. They were mesmerizing!

At the top of the Botanic Gardens sits the Sydney Opera House. What kind of ends up happening is that you’re walking along, walking along, looking at the trees, looking out into the harbour, then BAM! Opera House. They still had the barricades up from NYE & the parts of the Botanic Gardens that over look the are still had the remnants of what were clearly food & drink stands with white covered tents.

You know what it is.

We didn’t go inside the Opera House at all, in fact we kind of skirted the edges. There weren’t too many people about but neither he or I really had a great deal of interest in being overly ‘touristy.’ We’d seen the thing that you’re meant to see while you’re there, we’d seen the thing we’d seen a million & a half pictures & references to & I think that was enough. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a beautiful building, it’s just that neither of us needed that full on selfied photoshoot in front of it.

? Cocktail at Ante

From just up the road from the Opera House we grabbed an uber back to our hotel. We had gotten the recommendation to go to a restaurant called Ante from Isabella, Victoria, the internet, TikTok, etc. So we said “enough” & made it a priority.

Ante brands themselves as a “sake & sounds” bar & to their credit, that is almost exactly what they are. Located in Newtown, Ante offers sake, yes, but also a wide range of incredible Japanese inspired dishes, all set to the backdrop of a moody space that still has a vintage flare thanks to the vinyl racks & the duel turn tables that line the bar.

Tagliatelle at Ante

We got there just before their opening at 5 PM. Ante, does not take reservations & for all intents & purposes, they seem very popular, as the line of people outside the door prior to opening would insinuate & certify.

Casarecce at Ante

I really have got to start writing down my cocktails because Evan & I both had two incredible ones. For dinner we ordered a bit of the menu. We got the AP Bakery Sesame + Fenugreek Bread with Kasu Cultured Butter, the Plate of Pickles (mostly Carrots & Beets), the Fried Potato Mochi with Everything Bagel Sprinkles, the Torched Bonito with Calamansi, Makrut, & Urfa Pepper, the Grilled Baby Corn with Nori Butter (I’m a sucker for baby corn), the Beef Tongue Katsu Sandwich with Cabbage & Curry Mustard, the Tagliatelle with Fermented Shiitake Mushrooms, the Casarecce with Prawns, Kanzuri, & Clementine, & the Moonacres Lettuce with Burnt Honey. I told you, we ordered the menu. Additionally, lol, we also had the Panna Cotta with Black Splendor Plum & the Warm Madelaines with Yuzu Curd for dessert. Or.Dered.The.Menu.

Our favorite things, of the many we ordered, were the Bonito, the Baby Corn, the Beef Tongue, & the Casarecce, though none of the items listed about where anywhere short of entirely delicious. I preferred the Panna Cotta dessert, while Evan preferred the Madelaines.

After our amazing dinner it was time for more drinks. I do think we ended up spending about two & a half hours at Ante, so by the time we left, it was starting to get dark out.

Our next stop was Cantina OK!

I am a frequent follower of food & drink lists. I love me a good accolade, James Beard, Top 50, Michelin, etc., though the hidden gems are also not to be out done. Cantina OK! is one such place that I found through their accolades as they are currently rated the 41st best bar in the world. Yes, you read that correctly, the 41st. best bar. in the world.

Argo OK! at Cantina OK!

Cantina OK! is a literal hole in the wall. I am not hyperbolizing here, it is probably a five foot by twelve foot (if that) space located in an alley. There’s a single bar, no chairs or stools, & standing room for I would say around 15-ish guests at a time. Cantina OK! is a mezcal bar. They are a group of tequila fanatics that fly to Mexico every year, going around to tequila distillers, trying & buying product. The bar menu has six items total, not counting their extensive top shelf tequila selection. Those cocktails include two constants; the Margarita OK! (regular margarita) & the Spicy OK! (Spicy Marg), three seasonal drinks currently themed around the zoo; the Argo OK! (Tequila, Crocodile Pechuga, Pine, Apple, Pineapple), the Jumbo OK! (Tequila, Peanut Sorbet, Palm Sugar, Lime Leaf, Salsa Matcha), & the Bongo Ok! (Mezcal, Montenegro, Umeshu, Whites, Watermelon). The last menu item changes week to week, this time it was the Christmas Special (Tequila, Mezcal, Lime, Fresh Cherries, Orange Oil.)

Fortaleza Añejo at Cantina OK!

We initially had to wait in line for a spot to open up, but it truly didn’t take longer than about five-ish minutes. Ev & I worked our way through the menu. We started out basic with the Marg. Truly might be the best margarita I’ve ever had. They finish off the drink by pouring it over a bed of shaved ice that they manually shave. After that Evan got the Spicy, I got the Argo. Then I pulled ahead by ordering a tasting of Fortaleza Añejo neat (if you know, you know). Then we closed out the night with Evan ordering the special & me getting the Jumbo. Truly not a bad drink in the bunch & the staff were super friendly & knowledgeable!

Royal Botanic Gardens Sydney

End Of Day Four


Day Five


The next day it was a struggle to get Evan up & out of bed. I asked him around an hour ago & a half prior to the scheduled time if he wanted to go do Barry’s again. He had grumbled me off & told me no. An hour later that tune changed. So we scrambled to get dressed & went down to the corner market to get a quick snack so that we would at least have something in our stomachs to work out on.

The Strand Arcade

We ended up at the locale in the downtown part of the city, Martin Place. The class was once again death but the lack of food & heavy amount of drink from the night before made it even more so.

After death by trainer we ended up wanting coffee. I had pointed out Gumption the day prior while we were in The Strand Arcade, as it was one of the coffee shops on my list. Since it was only about a ten minute walk from us & was on the way back to our hotel we made it our heading. At Gumption we got Chinotto Espresso Tonics, which were bomb AF, & continued about our morning.

We had asked for a late checkout from Aiden, but there was still a lot of time between noon & our flight at 3-ish, so we went back to the hotel, packed up, asked the desk to hold our bags (which they lovingly did), & went in search of food.

XO Congee from Quick Brown Fox

Earlier when Evan had decided we weren’t working out I had started looking for Brunch spots. I had actually stumbled upon one just down the street from our hotel called the Quick Brown Fox.

The Quick Brown Fox is located in a sandstone corner cottage from the 1840s. It’s a breakfast/lunch spot that is apparently famous for their XO Congee, which is exactly what I got & let me tell you, it lived up to the hype! Ev got a burger & we both ordered non-alcoholic spritzes & we sat in the gorgeous afternoon sun & passed away the minutes until it was time to return for our bags & head off to the airport destined for Cairns.

Sydney to Cairns

Day Five To Be Continued…


Rocks on the walk from Bondi to Coogee

END OF PART ONE


Blog: Happy New Year! I'm Back!

Hiya folks,

How have we been? Don’t answer that, I know how most of us have been & will probably continue to be for the next foreseeable future. It’s getting rougher & rougher out there. I first want to welcome you all back, welcome you into 2025, & get all the pomp & circumstance out of the way. This blog will serve partially as a way of reigniting things here, partially as an update & where I’ve been, & partially as a “things to come” posting. So, if you’re into the idea of all of that, stick around & enjoy the read!

I initially planned today to be part one of my Australia blog, if you follow me at all on any of the socials out there you will know that I’ve been abroad for the last two plus weeks. I have about half of the first blog written out in its base form but it still needs another couple of days worth of content, editing, & photo integration. I will go ahead & let you know that it will be next week’s blog & it will cover Evan & my time in Sydney. I need you all to hold me to that. And yes, yes, I know, I know, I promised you all a New York City travel blog back in November on two separate occasions, but let’s be real & honest, shit hit the fan & it ended up being too much for me to handle mentally. Sorry if that upsets you or is a let down, but I have to prioritize my heath & well being first & foremost & November/December were truly a rough patch for me.

Diving farther into thaaaaaat I’m going to be entirely real with you all. The election gave me an ulcer. It stressed me out so bad that I developed a stomach ulcer & it got so bad that at one point I could only eat a couple of bites of food before I felt like I was going to vomit. The foods I could eat were mostly whole foods; fermented soy products (miso), veggies, fruits, fish, chicken, & sourdough bread. Because most food made me incredibly nauseous, I ended up being only able to consume about 1,000-1,500 calories a day, about half of my daily recommended for lil ole six foot, four me. I cut out alcohol as well as most fatty &/or processed foods as well as any medications or supplements that may have been inflammatory to my stomach. I even took omeprazole (Prilosec) to help minimize the effects of my stomach acid. For the most part that seemed to be helping, that is until Thanksgiving. At thanksgiving I decided to be indulgent & in addition to eating way too much of whatever, I also had two glasses of a nice red wine which I proceeded to throw up all night long that evening. Upon returning to Nashville I had a series of tests run just to cut out any other possibilities such as gallbladder or liver issues, which came back clear, & I restarted my progress & my forced sobriety. In addition to the stomach B.S. I was also struggling with general post election anxiety & stressed which quickly dipped me, full tilt, into my seasonal depression.

So yeah, that’s where I ended up for the past couple of months. I would sit down to write but all I felt was dread or apathy. I one night started at the flashing icon of the text indicator on my blog entry screen for about two to three hours. All that ever got written was the word “blog:” in the title section. Additionally the months of November & December were incredibly busy for me. I was in a wedding, went to two separate Thanksgivings on either side of the country, then had Christmas…which I ended up leaving early, then had to come home, pack, & get the house in order to depart two days later for our Australia trip, of which we got back from three days ago.

I kept my forced sobriety (I say that as if I drink like a fish, I probably have a drink or two max a week) until we went to Australia. My hope was to give my stomach the last week of November & all of December to recoup & see how it did. On the 30th we went out to dinner with friends (more on that in next week’s blog) & I got a spritz, just to see how I’d do. I was totally fine. In actuality, I ended up being totally find the entirely of Australia. I ate whatever I wanted, drank whatever I wanted, had fatty foods, coffee, alcohol, citrus, etc. & was totally fine…until I got back to The US at which point my stomach immediately started acting up again…

Australia aside, I’ve been going through it, but we’re back now, I’m pushing through to the best of my ability even though my ‘fight or flight’ is fairly constant for the time being & the jet lag is keeping me from properly sleeping, but I at least wanted to fill you all in. I know several of you have reached out to ask about the absence of posts & blogs & I felt I owed you an explanation, especially since so many of you come to this site week after week to read my ramblings & thoughts. I’m always incredibly grateful for that & I hope you don’t feel neglected, abandoned, or taken advantage of in any way. As I said though, I need some time off to regulate & recalibrate. While I don’t necessarily think I’m all the way there yet, life has to go on & sometimes you need to push through & reestablish the routing so that you can keep your head above water & get through it all one day at a time.

I hope the last two months were a joy for you all, I hope you feel refreshed & excited about your futures. I hope 2025 has treated you well thus far & I look forward to sharing this space with you all once again,.

As always, much love to you all,

-C

Blog: They Have Already Damned You.

He folks, welcome back! As with last week, my initial plan for THIS week was to write a travel blog about New York. Also like last week I had another topic swirling & twirling around my brain that I felt pressing to write this week. Once more, also like last week, this blog will be a serious one, if the title alone hadn’t tipped you off to that fact already. Trigger warning I suppose to those of you who are dealing with religious trauma, post election fallout, murder/killing, religious themes, & on the flip side of that coin, may be upset by the contents of this blog. Today we will be talking vertical vs. horizontal morality.

I have had, over the last week, across numerous social media platforms & conversations, the notion or idea of vertical vs horizontal morality pop up & it actually, I think, helps to explain how certain groups can vote or feel the way that they do based on belief & history. I know, for myself, I have struggled with the idea of those who claim to live under the banner of “love thy neighbor as thyself” going to the voting booth & doing the exact opposite often condemning their ‘neighbor’ to harder lives, deportation, lack of access to healthcare, higher tax rates, or downright voting to strip their rights away. Taking that “what you do unto the ‘least’ of these, you do unto me” & really just punting it through the proverbial field goal. One creator, Rachel Klinger Cain, put it simply by saying the following:

They are never going to care about our suffering, because they are okay with our damnation.
— Rachel Klinger Cain

This immediately struck me & got the wheels of my brain turning. She goes on to explain further stating:

So many of us right now are sitting in the space of desperately trying to explain it to them in a way that induces the empathy. Like if we can just find the right words, if we can say it the right way, provide the right evidence, remind them that we’re human, then we can get through to them. That they’ll see what they’ve done. That they’ll see what’s coming. That they’ll be willing to stand with us when we need it, but none of that is going to work with people who have already accepted that we are going to Hell. They believe that we are going to Hell, a place of eternal conscious torment, & they don’t stand with us. They take the side of the God who would do it. They claim that they love us, but they’re fine with our eternal conscious torment & they’re fine with our tormentor.
— Rachel Klinger Cain

Now. I know that’s a lot to digest. I’m sure for some of you reading it stirred up a lot of emotions or feelings one way or the other. I challenge you to sit in those & understand what about that paragraph makes you feel that way & why you feel that way.

I will say, to my personal extent, that paragraph feels a bit atheistic & I can’t begrudge Rachel for feeling that way. Though it doesn’t necessarily align with my personal beliefs, it does align with my personal feelings & experiences around the majority of those within the evangelical base. I know the retort to that is going to be the “a few bad apples ruin the batch” argument, but I think with most things around that sentiment, Maren Morris was correct in saying “The rot at the roots is the root of the problem” (I know she’s talking specifically about the country music industry here but I’m borrowing the analogy). The bushel isn’t being contaminated by a few bad apples, I think, for the most part, the ‘good' apples are the exception from a tree that has taught us how easy it is to condemn another human being for living a life that is different than our own.

I can just hear the people clicking out of my website from this one already. I again, challenge you to bear with me going forward & really dissect the way this is making you feel. If something challenges the narrative you believe if is often a good idea to figure out why & then figure out whether or not what is stated is factual or not & reevaluate from there.

I’d like to get into the meat of this & really discuss the “why” of all of this? Why do people who spend almost every weekend being taught a book of love statistically go out & vote for candidates who perpetuate hate, division, scapegoating, gluttony, greed, & selfishness? Because of vertical morality.

I’m going to go back to Rachel here in a second because I think the discourse happening on her page outlines the differences in the two types of morality perfectly specifically using the example of murder/killing. With vertical morality you have a system of morals not build on empathy or common understanding, but instead built on authority. This idea makes the beliefs of those who post things along the lines of “well, how will children learn morals if they aren’t taught The Bible?” make so much more sense.

You see, within the discussion on her page, she is met with a man who confronts this idea by saying “Really how can something that created everything kill & slaughter if he can just ‘uncreate’ everything.” It’s this idea of ownership, that if Almighty God decided to undo creating that He has the authority to do so simply because He created it.

Using this specific example she lays out the following:

Under a vertical moral system murder is not wrong because it harms somebody, it is wrong because you don’t have the authority to do it, but that also means that IF you have the authority to do it, you can to it. This is the problem with a vertical moral system. This is why they become violent so quickly, because all they have to do to convince themselves it’s okay to kill someone, is to convince themself that they’ve been given the authority to do it by God.
— Rachel Klinger Cain

She goes on to give examples throughout history of this, of times in which Christianity or Christian Nationalism have sparked violent movements that led to countless deaths or allowed them to watch from the sidelines unbothered because of the authority of God or those whom he has ‘ordained’ as having the authority (i.e. kings, queens, presidents, popes, etc.). This also goes outside of Christianity to other theologies that implant vertical morality & even include the deification & idolization of leaders. Some examples that include, but are not limited to; the Holocaust, the Crusades, slavery, colonialism, manifest destiny, the AIDs crisis, the Manson Murders, Gaza.

On the other side of that morality system lies the horizontal. This way of belief says that murder is wrong, not because you don’t have the authority, but because it causes harm to another human being.

It’s not about authority, it’s about harm. When you have a horizontal moral system then you are criticizing a god who would kill people, because it doesn’t matter if that god is bigger or stronger. Might does not make right. It doesn’t matter if He claims to have the authority, He’s still causing harm. But under that vertical moral system, might makes right. It’s authoritarianism. & when their religion is authoritarian then that means their moral system is authoritarian. & when their moral system is authoritarian it will trickle down into all kinds of other beliefs including their politics, including who they vote for. & if they believe that God as ordained it, if they believe that the ultimate authority figure says it’s okay, then it doesn’t matter who it harms. Appeals to empathy will not work, because they don’t get their morals from empathy, they get it from authority. They’re authoritarians.
— Rachel Klinger Cain

Again, a bit more atheistic than I’d probably put it myself, but I think the point still stands.

Another creator, Theologian Ciarra Jones, piggybacks off of Rachel’s points to discuss a lecture that she gives every years at UC Berkley around Race, Religion, & Public Policy.

I always tell students when working with Christian communities that the stakes are different. We’re not talking about systemic inequality & its impacts, we’re talking about heaven & Hell. Salvation & damnation. This focus on sin & punishment, salvation & damnation, actually cuts off most fundamentalist Christians from normative processes of empathy. Fundamentalist Christian communities have constructed God in a way that cosigns & corroborates the existence of systemic inequality.
— Professor Ciarra Jones

She then lays out an excellent example around LGBTQ rights using the following:

If I go to a fundamentalist pastor & I say “you voting on anti-LGBTQ policies harms LGBTQ people’s safety,” they would say “well queerness itself is a sin & if a queer person wasn’t living in this way, then they would experience systemic inequality.”
— Professor Ciarra Jones

I would interject here but I think the way she continues on is so eloquently stated that I’m just going to continue to quote her here!

We have constructed God as a God that insulates power, that insulates systemic inequality & that is one the side of those who are enacting harm on marginalized communities. This makes fundamentalist Christians impervious to critiques about how their theology is related to our policy landscape.

One of the most common Bible verse I heard growing up in fundamentalist, pentecostal churches “we are called to be in the world & not of it,” means that Christians start to bifurcate themselves from non-christians. They almost cut off their humanity & empathy towards non-christian communities or towards those they believe are living in a type of sin.

This means for Christians, for example, voting on ‘pro-life’ policy, even when ‘pro-life’ policy harms particularly women of color. There isn’t any empathy towards these communities because the idea is ‘I am voting on the side of righteousness’ & in fact my ability to separate myself from humanity & vote on policies in the way that God is asking me to do is a sign of my own unique Christian divinity. It’s a sign of my commitment to God. So separating themselves from their empathy actually ends up being a sign of their commitment to God.
— Professor Ciarra Jones

I know this week was a heavy one, I know this blog also may seem like I’m over here doing the most to shit on Christians when in reality I consider myself among them as so many of us who are begging for your empathy do. We read the book. We were taught the lessons. We took them to heart & somewhere along the line that was lost amongst what I would say, & what statistics would say, are the vast majority.

Additionally, I have seen so many postings this last week & a half around the idea of “I don’t know how to convince you to care about other people” so I wanted to weigh in with the things that I learned from these two amazing female creators. They helped me to understand why the last eight years of begging friends & family not to vote the way that they do despite the damage it does not only to me, someone they claim to love, but also other communities at large have clearly gone exorbitantly unheard. Appeals using examples & proof go unheeded & unnoticed because we lack the ultimate authority of what they have decided is moral or is not.

They are not going to stand up for a right or a community that they think or have convinced themselves is sinful, no matter the amount of harm it does to the lives of their fellow human beings because the belief is that they do not have the authority to make that call, God does, & what God says (translation mishaps & political alterations included) is the ultimate scale of law & justice to which they weigh their vote, not your lives & the ways in which it may harm you.

I hope you have a fantastic week,

Much love as always,

-C

It cannot be denied that too often the weight of the Christian movement has been on the side of the strong & powerful & against the weak & the oppressed. This despite the gospel.
— Jesus & The Disinherited by Howard Therman as presented by Professor Ciarra Jones

Blog: In All Honesty, I'm Terrified.

In all honesty I’m not really sure where to start with this. Initially my plan for this week was to do a New York City travel blog, but given the nature of & the events of the week doing so feels dismissive & entirely subversive of the way that so many, my self included feel. I then contemplated not doing a blog at all, but I’m sitting with this incredibly palpable bag of emotions & hurt & I felt the need to come on & express that here with you all. I don’t know what form that will take or what path this blog will end up going on, as at the moment the tangents in my brain are fighting for dominance. I guess my goal in all of this is to make those of you out there who, let’s face it, probably have checked out &/or aren’t going to read this at all, understand a little bit more of how a lot of us who find ourselves in communities deeply effected by the results of Tuesday’s election feel & on the other side of that coin, show those of you who find yourselves in a state of deep mourning & pain feel seen & heard. I am here to express my pain & my undeniable fear of what if probably to come. I’m going to start by relaying all of this to myself & my personal sphere, because let’s face it, that’s what I know best.

I am someone with a deep understanding of policy & politics. I typically know who is saying, doing, promoting, regressing, whatever in most of the chambers & branches of The US government. I got this way because at the turn of 2016 I found myself with limited knowledge of anything that had transpired or anything that was going to transpire around the election that had just occurred & I regretted that sorely. I then spent what has been the last eight years deeply engaged in the ongoings & inner workings of the government because I never again wanted to feel like I wasn’t in ‘the know.’ The frustration part of that is that I then had friends & family members come to me with political questions that were quickly dismissed when the answers didn’t fit their narrative for what their specific party or belief on an issue was or is. Additionally, my upset when damaging policy came down the pipeline was met with patronization & deemed too emotionally driven or “just what I believe” instead of being deeply rooted in fact & statistics. I was told I was over reacting, or the topic was changed to other unrelated policy altogether, or it devolved into outright gaslighting. So, following the results of 2020, I receded. My family, friends, & acquaintances seldom heard about my politics because it had become clear to me that despite knowing leagues more about them than others, my intelligence, interest, passion, & knowledge were an annoyance that did little, if anything, to move the needle of what had been deeply engrained in their belief system; no matter how bat shit or rooted in propaganda, wishful thinking, outright racist/heteronormative/unscientific/regressive/xenophobic/etc those beliefs were/are.

Turning the page to this year. I don’t think, compared to previous elections, I was as vocally outspoken on the interwebs as I have been in the past, & maybe that was my mistake. No politics were brought up to my family, unless they were brought up to me, because I knew it was wasted breath because as the post that’s going around this last week so lovingly says “I don’t know how to convince you care about other people.”

Election day was horrible for me, even before the results started rolling in I was anxious to the point of it making me sick. I think in total I slept around 2-3 hours that night, waking up as so many of us did around 4 AM with an ultimate sense of dread even before peaking at my phone. From there my anxiety grew & also gave way to severe hurt & depression because I knew what was coming down the pipeline. I knew where we were headed & I saw the cataclysm & damage like a tidal wave barring down on all of us, whether those who voted for this want to see & accept that or not.

I had at least hoped that if Trump was reelected, despite the myriad of reasons he is beyond unsuitable for the presidency a first, much less a second time, that the legislative branch of the government would at least remain as a safeguard to the atrocities to be passed down. My hope was & has been since extinguished & the reality of the collision course we’re on rushed over me & sunk me for days. I instantly started research into expatriating.

I’m sorry if I lost you on that last sentence, I’m sorry if, to you, that seems too extreme or like I’m being a ‘sore loser,’ but I’m going to walk you through my reasonings & try to make you see why that’s where I landed. Additionally, this is my blog, my feelings, my life. Yes? My feelings & motivations are my own. Please bear with me.

I’m going to start talking policy which is typically where I start losing people, especially if that policy does not align with your inherent understanding. Again, please bear with me & have an open mind, a little empathy, & try to understand. We’re going to start out talking about (hold! hold! hold!) Roe V Wade & Project 2025.

I’ve laid out my arguments in favor of Roe many a time. It is not just a case that allowed for abortion but also granted women the right to bodily autonomy. Its overturning has been detrimental to the health of women across the country & continues to escalate in that direction. I don’t think that states legalizing the right to abortion will end up mattering unfortunately & I think that the Trump era nationwide ban is on the horizon. BUT I’m not here to talk specifically about Roe, but am instead here to talk about the precedent that it set within the conservative majority Supreme Court.

Roe V Wade was a ruling brought about through right to privacy. It is the same avenue that cases like Obergefell V Hodges used to legalize same sex marriage, the same avenue that Griswold V Connecticut used to allow married couples rights to contraceptive & later Eisenstadt V Baird used to allow unmarried couples right to contraceptive. It is the same exact avenue that Lawrence V Texas used to make sodomy laws illegal & Loving V Virginia used to instate the legitimacy of interracial marriages. All of these items used the same path of ‘personal privacy’ as the vehicle for which to get each of these respective issues legalized or decriminalized. Then came the overturning of Roe, what the Supreme Court has hinted at & outright spoken about being the first of these rulings to fall.

If right to privacy falls, & many of those statues with it, same sex couples, interracial couples, non-married (or even married) couples engaging in protected sex, will all be considered criminal almost overnight. Sounds archaic, I know, because it is & that’s just the highly insinuated Supreme Court side of things. Let’s shift lenses to Project 2025.

Project 2025 is a plan for a conservative held federal government that has been laid down by the vast majority of the right wing conglomerates out there. The Heritage Foundation, the AFA, the Claremont Institute, Moms for Liberty, etc etc etc. It was disavowed by Donald Trump after his initial endorsement of the project because it polled as incredibly unpopular, even amongst conservatives. A lot of those on both sides of the aisle were not overly concerned about the instating of Project 2025 because there would of course be “checks & balances” within the government, which of course holding all branches of the government, there are none. His allies have since stated, post win, that Project 2025 is & was the plan all along. Shocker.

So what lives within the policies of Project 2025? Let’s list a few shall we? Dismantling the Environmental Protection Agency (bye bye safe guards on clean air & water), dismantling the Department of Education (deuces special education programs), end no fault divorce, ban contraceptives (see supreme court section), eliminate worker unions & OSHA regulations, end the Affordable Care Act (what allows millions of Americans to have healthcare), end climate protections & re-incentivize the fossil fuel industry, end marriage equality (see supreme court), defund the FBI & Homeland Security, end birthright citizenship, eliminate the FDA (cuz who needs their drugs tested & regulated?), eliminate NOAA (where 99% of our weather data comes from), end civil rights & DEI programs, ban books (anything ‘non-christian’ this also includes books about slavery), ban African American & gender studies at ALL levels of education (including colleges), cut Medicare, cut Social Security, raise the retirement age, provide additional tax breaks for the 1%, increase taxes for the working class, end school lunch programs, leaving NATO (say hello to the Russian invasion of Europe), the list goes on & on & on & now, there is nothing in the way to stop it.

I know that may sound extreme, it may sound a bit like fear mongering too, & I also understand that there will (hopefully) be people within the Republican party who stand up & prevent these things from happening, but if 2016-2020 were any indication, I don’t think I have much faith in that. I challenge you to think of the generational harm that all of this will do even if half of that list is accomplished. Even if a forth is accomplished. We have been steered into a maelstrom to which there is no course correction & those who were out here telling you all “I told you so” will be the one who pay the price the dearest for this folly.

I want to touch on a few more things before I leave you with my closing remarks. Those being what Trump has promised to make the incepting blow of his term; tariffs, immigrants, & trans individuals.

First tariffs. Trump plans to impose a 60% tariff on any goods coming from China & a 10% tariff on all other goods coming from other countries. Where do we get most of our tech from? China. Where do we get most of our steel from? China? Who pays for the tariff? ChiWRONG. You do. The consumer does. The price of most goods in the tech & metal work field are projected to go up around 40% minimum in cost. Nissan has already laid off 9,000 workers in anticipation of the tariffs. A steel company in Pennsylvania has reported that they are striking Christmas bonuses this year in order to stockpile resources before the tariffs take hold & their costs go up. Enjoy your grocery items & every other items you purchase going up in cost.

Now immigrants. Another of Trump’s day one agenda items is the deportation of around 20,000,000 immigrants from The US. A logistical nightmare to say the least, part of this deportation will also include the denaturalization of many immigrants whom the administration also plans to…somehow deport or place into camps. The horrors of that aside, immigrants make up around 50% of the food & manual labor workforce. Without them the literal bottom of the food supply chain barrel & infrastructure barrel falls right out & sweeps the rest of us off with it. The economy will crash & the dollar will be a wash.

Lastly, transgender individuals. The Trump administration wants to inshrine the existence of two genders into the constitution. They also want to force individual to be only able to go by the gender of the sex they were at birth & they want to penalize any & all healthcare workers providing gender affirming care to trans youth. This includes capital punishment for those caught performing gender affirming surgeries on individuals under the age of 18, a practice that isn’t happening anyway.

I’m going to be entirely frank with you all. I’m not very hopeful for the four years going forward. I know there’s another election in two with the midterms but I foresee a whole lot of damage being done before we ever even get the change to get there. I’ve seen a lot of sentiment of “well, you survived the first Trump presidency” going around & I want to remind you all that millions didn’t. Because of his policies, because of his COVID response, millions are now dead & that was with ‘checks & balances’ in place, of which there are now no guard rails for ‘King Trump.’ We have shown this man & his goonies that not only is he above the law as a treasonous, rapist crook, but that it is encouraged. The range & scope of what he will do will increase & things are going to get very bad for a lot of people very quickly.

I’d be lying if I told you all I wasn’t terrified. Not just for Evan & I but for the friends we have who fall into the crosshairs of the Trump administration. I am scared to the point that it sent me to urgent care where we speculate I may have developed an ulcer from stress. These are the policies so many of you voted in favor of. These are the policies that many who call yourselves ‘friend’ or ‘family’ have inflicted upon us & I’m having a really had time seeing how that can be loving in any way. How you can claim to love someone or want what’s best for them & then turn around & vote for someone who hates us. I don’t know how that’s loving, much less how you can classify yourself as someone who is Christian after doing that. Christ said embrace the immigrant, love your neighbor & your enemy, help the needy, feed the hungry, care for the sick, & so many of you who profess that as the anchor for your life went & besmirched that. Not only that, but then you turn around & try to gaslight us into still being connected with you. You claim it takes the bigger person to disagree & still be friends but we are not here disagreeing on how our taxes get spent, we are here disagreeing on who has the right to life, liberty, & the pursuit of happiness all for a man who has made his life around swindling & conning his way to the top. I honestly don’t know how they can be justified.

I’m leaving you all here. I am sorry I don’t have a message of hope for you all, but at the moment I am far from hopeful, in fact I am feeling entirely lost. I hope to God I am wrong about all of this. I hope I am, truly, but for now Evan & I wait on bated breath to GTFO before it becomes too late for us to do so. & that is our reality. I’m sorry if this blog was too emotionally driven, I tried my best to keep it grounded but I am at a loss, I am heartbroken & scared & incredibly hurt by those around me who claim love for me but that I know voted against mine & Evan’s livelihood.

-C

Blog: Put Your Hand In The Flame You Lazy Bum!

…Are you all still here? I haven’t scared you all off with my inactivity have I? I sure hope not. I’m here to address the elephant in the room, my absence over the last couple of weeks & in doing so, shine a light on another, less talked about facet of ADHD. As listed in the title of this here entry, today we shall be discussing executive dysfunction.

For those not in the ‘know’ executive dysfunction is a symptom of many neurodivergent diagnoses in which the tasks before you present themselves as so devoid of dopamine triggers that your brain treats it like sawing off your leg. That’s not be being dramatic, the part of a neurodivergent individual’s brain where we see the signals light up during a bout of executive dysfunction are the same exact ones that light up when you are told to reach your hand into a flame. It’s the part of your brain that says “nope, that’s dangerous, that’s of detriment to your health & well being, we are definitely not doing that,” except instead of being about physical or emotional pain, it’s about doing the dishes, writing a blog, etc.

Here in lies the common misguided diagnosis from those within the neurotypical frame of mind brand those of us with ADHD, OCD, Autism, etc of laziness. We are lazy because we can’t complete our tasks when in reality, in our minds, doing said tasks would be harmful to our well being…at least that’s what our brain tells us. It’d be like telling someone to jump headfirst into a junk yard of needles & calling them lazy then they can’t bring themselves to do it. I know to a lot of you that may seem like madness & let me tell you, as someone whose brain does this constantly, especially in the darker, colder months, it’s maddening to me too.

A large portion of us have an internal monologue, that voice in your head that tells you about yourself or thinks thoughts aloud. When we fall into executive dysfunction that internal monologue goes H.A.M. & breathes down our neck the most vile, putrid insults you can imagine. For all of the things I’ve heard from the outside while experiencing ED (lol), I promise you, what’s happening on the inside is worse. What then happens is that you fall into a loop. Negative self talk leads to negative feelings & emotions that you begin to believe about yourself & then you descend farther down the depressive spiral until eventually, hopefully, you break free. Then you’re still left to face the trauma of the occurrence & rebuild your demolished self esteem & confidence. & there in lies the last couple of weeks for me.

Each of the past few weeks I have set about the week with full intention to blog. I try & try & try to force them out but doing so feels like crawling up a mountain using only your hands. Even today I spent most of the day with a ‘to-do’ list of minimal items when I spent the morning avoiding as best I could. I’m going to be entirely honest, as I’m writing this, it is taking literally everything in me to do so, & believe you me, that sounds & feels nuts. It is taking everything in me not to leave this page mid sentence, slink onto the floor & do literally nothing for a foreseeable however long, but I’m here. Doing this. Writing the thing. Because I can’t continue not doing that. I can’t continue feeling like my ADHD is winning that it’s beating me down & stalling my progress, because it does that often. I have to, as much as it truly pains me, do something to try & break the wheel & hopefully kick back into the gear of momentum.

I think that this turned into much more serious a blog than I anticipated, but anytime I write something like this I do so to educate, not to give my excuses to the world, or to gain your sympathies. I am living an experience that so many others do & I am blessed to have a platform that allows me to share that experience out to the world in the hope that those of you who don’t understand will find a little empathy & those who do understand will find camaraderie. I literally spent three hours last Saturday staring at a blank blog sheet & could not for the life of me write a single word. I lost that day & you bet your whole ass I beat myself black & blue for it instead of giving myself grace & patience but this is a case where I want you to do as I say, not as I do. Give yourself grace & patience.

I don’t know what else to tell you my lovelies, but if you have any questions about executive dysfunction or neurodivergence in general I’d be more than happy to answer them in the comments below!

As always, much love to you all!

-C

Release: Missed Calls

The Song

Missed Calls started out life as a conversation between my dear friend, Frye, & me. She & I were in her Burbank apartment studio one autumnal afternoon & were discussing seasonal depression. We each passed anecdotes & experiences back & forth discussing everything from the physical/mental sensations, the way it feels both externally & internally, & the shape & form our respective depressive episodes take. She had this idea written down called “Missed Calls” that centered around the themes that we were discussing as well as the idea of being stuck in a depressive state & finding yourself unable to even go so far as to answer your phone, especially when you know a lot of the calls would be people trying to be you “savior.” Naturally it felt like the obvious choice for a write seeing how we both had experience in the field. I remember her & I discussed at length this feeling of wanting to disappear. I often refer to it as the desire to become nothing, to just sink into a hole in the ground dissipate into the aether. It’s not a desire for an ending, simply the desire to not exist for a while, then reenter life at a later time. Often these episodes take the form of crawling into bed & staring at the wall for a long while, which is exactly where we started the song.

We left the session with only a pre-chorus & a chorus if I remember correctly. We had the following written:

“The whispers in my head, pulling at my threads tell me that I’ll make it. The whispers in my head say I’ll end up dead if I don’t face it but I’ve got missed calls, I’m staring at the wall, crawling deeper cuz I’d rather not exist at all. It’s a free fall down the rabbit hole, spiraling giving into the siren’s call. I promise that I’ll tell you when it’s over, I promise that I’ll stay sober, you don’t need to try & save my life. Got missed calls, staring at the wall, going deeper, yeah, I’d rather not exist at all.”

& a lot of that ended up, as is, being the pre & the chorus. Naturally, over the years (yes, years) it ended up being massaged & falling into place a little better, but for the most part, there it was. And so it stayed for what I think was two or so years. It wasn’t until Jess & I had wrapped Consequences Of My Honesty & were looking for the follow-up single that Missed Calls popped back up & demanded to be heard.

We had spent the afternoon session in Jess’s home studio going through options for the next single but nothing that I played felt right. We even tried to come up with a song ourselves but again, it all felt a bit passive. It wasn’t until the demo of Missed Calls tugged on my brain & said “hey, remember me?!” that we found our follow-up!

At this point Missed Calls was still only a pre-chorus & a chorus so, not wanting to waste the session, we set about flushing out production ideas & figuring out what we thought a depressive episode would sound like. With space for verses inserted I took the track back to Frye via Zoom & we set up a session to finish it out.

For our verses we really wanted to get back into channeling that feeling of sliding into debilitating depression. Verse one was easy because we basically just took the inception of the feeling & injected that into the lyrics. I had this idea that it was somewhat similar to the experience of giving into any vice or altered state experience where you can feel the waves of effect happening but your body & your psyche do their best to fight it off until you ultimately succumb. Hence the opener of “turn on, breathe in, freak out” which is a reference to the saying “turn on, tune in, drop out” about LSD. The lyrics from there continued along that theme going for a “take your medicine” type feel where you don’t want to but you feel its inevitability & it’s more comfortable to give into it than it is to fight it, especially since it’s often fruitless to do so, at least in our case. I had this imagery in my mind of the acceptance of drowning. The weirdly macabre serenity that is often portrayed in movies when someone accepts that they have been met with their fate & they surrender to it. Verse two was a little different, it was a bit more of an uphill battle as most songwriters will tell you second verses often are.

I’m a very analytical songwriter. I view songs like a story & often come up with an outline of where I think the story should go & the beats that I think it needs to hit along the way. Frye & I both struggled to find the beats of the second verse because we felt that it was hard to expand upon the feeling of ‘nothing’ once you’re in it. After all, nobody wants to listen to a story that is all more of the same across the board. So we didn’t try to. Instead we opted to take in the direction of expansion. We expounded upon what was already there, doing our best to demonstrate that sunken place. To us, the middle of a depressive episode feels like drifting. It feels like you’re in an emotional void, not really existing but also not being entirely detached from your physical being; a ‘void of all consuming nothing.’ Like you’re a cosmonaut sheltered in your vessel made of blankets, drifting through the vacuum of space. We also didn’t want to have the entirety of our song be consumed by doom & gloom, so we injected little pockets of hope throughout, like the knowing that the state is temporary & eventually you will ‘resurface.’

Finally, for the pre-choruses we decided that the punch of the line regarding ‘death’ needed saving til the last, so we rewrote the previous two with the intention of that inner dialogue getting louder & louder throughout. So we go from whispers, to voices, to screams. Apparently not everyone has an inner dialogue, so for those of you out there without who have no idea what I’m talking about, my apologies. However, we both found that ours tends to be almost ‘guardian angelic’ in its tone during these moments. It’s reassurance & understand but on the flip side you have the undercurrents of self deprecation. The “I understand, take your time” is weighed against the “you’re worthless & lazy” & depending on the state you’re in, often the scales tip one way or another. We opted for the helpful angle I think, again wanted to inject those glimmers of hope & show that the voices pulling you along, tethering you to reality, often also shine the spotlight towards the surface & give you a helpful nudge that says “whenever you’re ready, there’s the exit.”

I want to get ahead of the line about death that reads “the screaming in my head says I’ll end up dead if I don’t face it” & explain away any insinuation of suicidal ideology or tendency. The line isn’t meant to alarm in the way that I think some people who have heard it think it does. Isn’t that always in the question when dealing with topics of mental health? Of course. Have majority of us faced the depths of our respective ends & turned away towards the light & chosen that? Mostly, yes. But I think that what we are referring to here is that delicate balance. When it comes to diving there are two alternating forces at work. You have what is called ‘surface suck’ where you get pulled to the surface because of the expansion of gases (air in the lungs, sinuses, etc.) in the body with the loss of pressure, then you have the opposite where the depth & the pressure over come you & you sink deeper & deeper because the air has been constricted & compressed to nothing under the weight of all of the water above you. A depressive episode often sits in the space of perfect buoyancy, tugging you one way or another. When I say “you’ll end up dead” it’s not overstepping to say mean that you’ll end up leaning clinical, but I mean more you’ll end up sinking into the depths with little to no way of finding the light without help. You will end up worse off if you don’t keep your eye on the exit & rising back up out of the episode.

The last thing that I want to touch on before we move into production was an idea that came from the lovely, Leena Regan. I went to her when I couldn’t seem to figure out where to end the song & she suggested flipping the final chorus, doing a drop out of the ‘missed calls’ refrain, putting that at the top of the chorus & simply ending on a cliff hanger with “I’d rather not exist at all.” Which is where we went & I think it totally has simply the dopest effect!


The Production

With production you often have target songs or specific sounds or effects that you like & use as reference. Even if you aren’t blatantly pulling up a song & saying “that guitar sound,” “that drum feel,” etc., it often finds its way in through “what about a such & such feel with so & so style production.” For us those sounds came from multiple locations.

I had been listening to Taylor Swift’s Tortured Poet’s Department, so naturally that made its way in to a degree. I really liked the sparse yet moving production on “I Look In People’s Windows,” the way it used plucky acoustic guitar, strings, & heavy rhythm which in a lot of ways was also similar to “Satellite” by Harry Styles.

I had decided pretty early on that I didn’t need Missed Calls to be ‘strictly country’ or even lean that direction. I was fine weaving in & out of genres to suit the song & the style that it asked for. I am a genre alchemizing singer-songwriter after all. A few years ago Lizzo says “genres are dead” & I took that to heart & it seems so did a lot of other artists, especially female artists like Taylor Acorn, Beyoncé, Kacey Musgraves, or Taylor Swift. I’m fine releasing a country song one month, then a pop the next, or a rock song after that. It doesn’t bother me one bit because the through line is still me, even if the instrumentation is constantly shifting around that.

Additional references were “Issues” by Julia Michaels, “A House In Nebraska” by Ethel Cain, especially for the piano, & naturally some of The 1975 with “If I Believe You,” specifically for the choral lines.

Jess & I also decided pretty early on that we wanted to “Hey Ya” or “1975” the song where in you take a song with pretty deep, serious subject matter & make it more palatable for your audience through the use of ‘fun’ instrumentation & production, opting for a more upbeat feel instead of sliding into the dirge-y ballad feel that the song feels that it should be on paper.

I’m also someone who really likes throwing real world sounds into songs, not just in the form of acoustic instruments, but also using sampling or interpolation. With the theme of calls & phones throughout we used that to our advantage. At certain points we inserted our own versions of iconic iPhone sounds (sorry Android users, we weren’t deeply familiar with your sounds like we are with the Apple library). We didn’t want to run into copyright issues so we opted for recreating the sounds using slightly modified melodies, tracing the ‘themes’ of certain sounds, or flat out having me mimic them in a microphone. There’s one such instance at the end of verse two in which I make the ‘email send’ sound & another in a pre where I ‘pop’ like the key tones used during texting. Additionally, in the second verse, during the section that talks about giving into the void we immolated the sound of a black hole like the one NASA released a few years back.

Being a vocal major, I also often get to annoy Jess with my insistent vocal stacks, this song was no different. With Consequences we opted for more of a “Avatar: The Last Airbender Closing Credits” feel for the bridge, here we went with “Grassland Chants” from The Lion King in addition to the multitude of choral stacks used throughout the verses & the chorus refrains.

With most of the song finished we both felt like there was something major missing from the production. I decided to bring in my cello & try a few things out on it to see if they filled in the gaps & I honestly think it made the song. We almost treated it like a vocal (cello is the closest instrument to the human voice) & layered & stacked it as well, alternating between plucked notes & sweeping bowed bass lines.

We ran into a unique issue when we felt we’d wrapped principle production. It was unique because neither Jess or I could hear it, but those under the age of 28 all seemed to hear it almost instantly with laser precision. There was a frequency in one of my vocal lines that only Evan & a few others could hear, all of whom are under 28 years old. We actually had to bring Evan into the studio to pin point where & what the sound was, because no matter how we tried, we couldn’t hear it at all. It seems we found it & took care of it though…hopefully.

Another thing that I’m sure drives Jess up a wall is that I am a meticulous mixer. I know how I want the song to sound in my head & I am obsessive until it gets there. The annoying part of modern mixing is that it has to sound good across a multitude of speakers. It has to sound good in proper speakers, in car speakers, in headphones, in earbuds, in phone speakers, so finding that balance can often be a pain in the ass. You’ll think you have it entirely figured out then you go listen to the song from a different platform & it suddenly sounds like garbage. We struggled for a minute to get it right but I’m so glad we took the time to & I’m grateful for the patience it took from others to get there. Additionally, a special thanks to Max Hurrell & Joshua Gleave for their help on it!

Finally the song went off to Adam Grover for master where it was boosted, leveled out, & returned as a completed bop!

I feel it may be helpful to help people who don’t know understand the difference between a mix & a master. A mix is individual tracks; track volumes, track equalization (turning up & down bass/mids/treble & everything in-between), panning (left & right stereo placement), automation (volume fades, pans, etc.), & any effects applied there within. Mastering then takes that overall mix & polishes it. It makes it consistent volume wise with other songs on the market & also adjusts levels & equalization of the song as a whole. It’s the top coat of the song. Don’t skimp on either.


The Visuals


I had this idea, unfortunately, a little too late of shooting the artwork & other digital assets in a pool. In my mind I was fully clothed with flowing clothing on & there would be a light from above shining down into the water. Additionally I had the thought to bring in a blanket with me to wrap up in. My initial idea was very much in line with “The Fall of Icarus,” having the blanket & the clothing being like the wings that had burnt by flying to close to the sun.

My initial idea came to me while Evan & I were in Kansas which would have made the perfect photo location as I could have asked for access to the fourteen foot deep pool at Midwest Aquatics. I wouldn’t put Evan in dive gear & used an underwater rig to shoot. As I stated, unfortunately I thought of it while we were in Kansas, on the second to last day of our trip there. All of the clothing I had in mind was back home, as was our lighting rig, & dive gear. So unfortunately, it didn’t get shot where I’d planned.

I then spent then next couple of weeks searching high in low in Nashville to find a deep pool that we could shoot in. I asked friends who I thought may have access to pools, looked into renting one for an hour or two, but all roads came up dry…Eventually Evan decided to reach out to our HOA & see if they would allow us to use our neighborhood pool after hours. Which they agreed to!

We shot the album artwork for Missed Calls on a bit of a time constraint. The day we had planned to shoot, there ended up being a thunderstorm, & the day after we ended up shooting we were headed out of town for a week & still needed to wrap up things at home. We also basically had an hour window to get in & get out before a rain storm rolled in. The artwork was shot in five feet of water with Evan using my iPhone 15 Pro Max inside of my Oceanic Dive Housing, in the midst of a rainstorm all while I had an active ear infection & my phone kept overheating. I held my breath as long as I could, as did Evan, & I used dive weights hidden in the pockets of my pants to hold me down under the water.

The rough images we got from the pool session & the finish product are two wildly different things. I have Evan to thank for that. He took these often very plain looking pictures & made them extraordinary. We Bob Rossed & “embraced the happy little accidents” & those ended up being some of our favorite pieces from the shoot.

The image for album art itself was an instant love of mine. Evan expanded on a very cropped image, a shoulder to shoulder frame with only a little space above my head & down to around my upper shins, & made it a marvel. I sent him a picture of a field of coral that looked similar to the way the blanket was wrapping & he nailed the execution of the addition.

We actually bickered back & forth about the artwork itself. He had a very clear idea of what he wanted from it in mind & so did I. In the end we took the best of each version & combined in into what it is! Which is something that I know both he & I are very proud of.

All in all, the photo assets came from a tight squeeze, a long shot, & a shoot that Evan was very nervous to do & ended up with some honestly incredible art on his part.

The canvas & the promo video also was a bit of a collaboration. I took a video that I had taken while diving in The Philippines that we both loved & that we felt encapsulated the feeling of the song. I had my camera set at the wave line & was allowing them to wash over the lens all while it rained. If you look closely at it you’ll actually see a massive bug fly into frame for a total of two shots. Evan then color graded it to match the artwork & I went in & learned how to do a mask dodge in Final Cut Pro to make the title & the information for the single wash in & out with the waves. It took me far too long but I’m so happy with the results!


Final Thoughts

If you are reading this, if you have made it this far, then Missed Calls is out. It’s available to you! You can go listen to it, share it, express your feelings about it, & make it your own! I am incredibly proud of this song & am beyond grateful for all who helped bring it to life. They say it takes an army & this song surely did. Missed Calls is a piece of me, it’s a very honest expression of my life & reflects the feeling & the experience that I know a lot of people out there share. I hope that this song finds a place in your life, even if it’s just from an empathetic level, or even just because you find the production fun. I don’t know how far this song will go, but that doesn’t matter. I have put it out into the world & if even one person connects with it, then I have done my job.

You can find links to Missed Calls below the credits, there will be an embedded link that should then link you to the streaming platform of your choosing & allow you to access the song!

Thank you all so much for reading this, for pre-saving the song if you did, & for listening to it! Creating music is one of my great joys & I’m so fortunate to get to share that with you all!

Credits:


Written By:

Charlie Rogers & Frye


Produced, Engineered, & Mixed By:

Jess Grommet


Performed By:

Charlie Rogers


Keys, Guitars, Rhythm, Synth, & Programing By:

Jess Grommet


Cello & Additional Voices By:

Charlie Rogers


Mastered By:

Adam Grover


Photography, Graphic Design, & Digital Assets By:

Evan Michael


Distributed By:

TooLost


Publicity By:

Trend PR


Special Thanks To:

Joshua Gleave, Savannah Hitchcliffe, Max Hurrell, Leena Regan, Ethel Smallmon Ford, & Jenna Vitolo


Blog: Life Through An Ever Shrinking Lens

I know that title sounds daunting, maybe even fringing on the nihilistic, but I promise you, this blog will be quite the opposite. Over the years I’ve written many blogs with the title of “life through” or “life in” or something else along those lines, so that’s how the title came to me naturally in the midst of the brainstorm that was coming up with the topic for this blog. Life through an ever shrinking lens. Okay, so it’s not nihilism, it’s not deprecation, & I promise you it’s not claustrophobic as the imagery probably draws into your mind. So what is this blog about? This blog is about the shift in perspective that seems to be coming with age, or maybe it’s just a sign of the times.

A lot of the time when I sit down to write blogs at the end of my week they end up being about synchronicities, those moments in my day to day life that shared an over arching theme for the week, month, or however long the greater powers that be saw fit to hammer the lesson into my brain. This week was one such week. I had a friend send me a tweet on twitter (I shall never refer to it as X. it’s idiotic) that said the following:

Me at 22: Wow, life really ends at 21.

Me at 25: Wow, life really ends at 24.

Me at 28: I’ve really been in the mood for an apple danish lately, I can’t wait to get to walk to the corner store & get myself an apple danish! :)
— @LeftAtLondon On Twitter

To which he accompanied with the comment, “tea kinda” which then sparked a conversation which then led to the inception of this blog. & you know what? It is “tea, kinda!”

Again, I haven’t decided on whether to caulk all of this up to age, as both he & I are in our early thirties with a fully developed frontal lobe (in theory) or whether it’s an experience that those younger than us are also feeling of late, the data sample is far too small & limited for anything conclusive there. What I am noticing, however, specifically speaking for myself, my friend, & even Evan, whom I asked his thoughts on when the topic originally came up, is that we all are finding ourselves more & more in the mindset of enjoying the little things. Caring more about the “sweet treats” that make us smile, the company that we share a kindred soul with, & finding wonder at every turn.

I’m sure there is a term for all of this, I’m also certain that if I allowed myself to venture into the internet in search of it that this blog would end up being delayed another hour or two in its completion simply from the rabbit hole that I would no doubt stumble headlong into. What I do know if that the lens is shrinking. I no longer care so much what the broader collective thinks & feels about me, I no longer care what they want from me as an individual, & I no longer seek the approval of those who I know I would have to encase myself in some false presentation of who I am to be in the good graces of. I am, all in all, in search of simple, humble, minuscule happiness. I am looking for connection, not out of need for acceptance or desire to expand a social circle, but simply to share something human with another person on the same level. To laugh & collaborate, to create & feel & empathize with because I think we have lost a lot of that in the rat race of clout, fame, popularity, & ambition.

I live a lot of my days of late in more silence that I had allowed in before. I sit & ponder the thoughts that pass through my brain, I think of the daily cross sections of humanity & how beautiful a lot of what we encounter in our day to day lives actual is. I think about life & its cycles. I think about evolution, adaptation, passion, experience, & I marvel at how grandiose it all is. How precise, calculated, & yet utterly wild it all is. In a lot of ways, in shrinking the lens, in minimizing the focus away from things that really don’t matter, I am finding infinite streams of beauty & expression.

I know that last paragraph sounded pretty ‘woo woo.’ I hope that I didn’t lose you in it, but in all honesty that is what I feel, that is what is flowing through my mind. That is how I am living my life at the moment. & it’s simple & mundane at times but it is so refreshing to live in the quiet sometimes. To just be. To experience the marvel that it is to be human & the astonishing ways in which that manifests.

I’m going to leave you with one last anecdote before I sign off on this blog & let you all continue about your day. It’s a story that involves one of my favorite topics, Harvey. I’m going to keep this story light. I’m not going to delve into the pain of missing him or any of the grief there in, but I do want to tell you all a story that involves him in his later years.

Harvey on our daily walks was prone to literally stopping & smelling the roses. This was probably way less to do with the flowering fauna he frequented himself & more to do with the other dogs & animals who had done the same, marking as they went along. Either way the story rings true. Harvey, on our walks, would stop often to take deep long inspective sniffs at many of the plants along the path, most of whom flowered at one point or another. Often Evan & I would try to hurry him along to keep the walk moving, that was until we read something that mentioned that dogs stopping & investigating is ten times more stimulating for them & their brains than just the walk itself. Then we too slowed & allowed his reprieve from the walk.

When Harvey passed our vet sent us an ink print of his nose. Evan & I then went around to each of the spots that he would stop each day on our walks, collected & dried the flowers from the plants that he had spent so much time & waining energy interacting with. They now adorn his nose print in a wooden frame in our living room.

So what’s the lesson here? Why bring it up? How does it connect? Harvey saw the value in stopping the motion that often was difficult for him to stop & start & taking in these expression & signatures of life. It wasn’t til he was gone that I truly appreciated them for what they were, that I truly understood how important if is to cut it all out, stop, & experience something just for the beauty of what it is or the signature that it bares.

We live in such a grind culture. We live in a culture that idolizes, that rewards the image & not the individual. We project our most attractive aspects up onto social media or our blogs but seldom do we take the time to shut it all out & really experience what it is to be human. We don’t think about the years that pastry chef spent perfecting that danish that lives at the corner shop you love, down the street from where you build your life & the cross section that all of that is. We don’t allow ourselves to feel the embrace of our partner or our friends without the fear of judgement or the pretense that we feel is required because that is what media or life has taught us we must do. We don’t ask for the things we need simply because we don’t want to be a burden so we suffer in the discomfort. We don’t stop & ponder the rain or the birds or the plants & the cycles they exist in & perpetuate. We try to force our lives into an all encompassing, broad lens, but I think if you zoom in, shrink it down, you will find all of the magnanimous happenings that you have been searching for.

As always, much love to you all,

-C

Blog: Beauty & Grief

Hi friends.

I hope you have had a wonderful week, though I know for a lot of you that hasn’t been the case. For whatever reason there seems to have been an uptick in those passing this last week or so; dearest friends & loved ones, beloved furry companions, staples of communities, & sudden shifting tides that have led to difficult decisions & great heartache across the board. If you find yourself in any of those categories I first want to offer you me deepest, most sincere condolences. I also want to shed some light on what you can expect going & hopefully bring a little peace your way through shared experience & understanding.

If you weren’t aware, back in May I lost my almost decade & a half companion Harvey & while yes, he was “just a dog,” he was so much more than that to me & to most of the people that had the pleasure of knowing him. I have no children other than those who bare fur & walk on all fours. That’s not a dig at saying my (non-existent) human children are very bizarre, I’m simply saying that all I have, paternally, are the animals that I have adopted over the years. I’m not going to turn this blog into a statement about how people should or shouldn’t be able to grieve their pets, but a lot of recent research shows that those of us who have strong, almost familial connections to our pets, mourn them in an identical way to how you would mourn the loss of a family member. Harvey was my boy, he was with me for over thirteen years of my life & he was, for a long time, who I looked forward to coming home to at the end of the day. So his loss ripped me apart, it shattered me to the core, & forced me to rebuild a life without him in it.

I’m not going to sit here & lie to you or belittle you. It’s hard, it’s impossibly hard, the grief that lingers like fog & settles into your bones like lead. You will have days where it is debilitating, but you will also have days where the sun shines through the blinds & melancholy & hope replace the anguish & despair. But with all things challenging in life you must face it head on & take it one step at a time.

There will be a time, when the wound of loss is fresh, where you will seemingly forget a time when your eyes were not floodgates constantly on the verge of spilling over. Then too will come a day when you can’t remember the last time you felt that way, when you can’t remember the last time you cried. You will be visited in your dreams & reach for them in your sleep & wake up with a tear soaked pillow & a yearning that can never be satiated. There will be times when a certain song, sound, smell, phrasing, sight will hit you in just the right way & you’ll find yourself back in the thick of it all. Even I still find myself here once in a blue moon all of these months later, but it does get easier & the triggers get fewer & farther between & at some point melancholy takes over the bitter sadness & all you will find is sweet longing & remembrance.

There’s a quote that I use often because of just how perfectly stated it is. It can be found in the Disney+ Show “WandaVision” at a point where one character, Vision, finds another, Wanda, sitting in the room ruminating on the death of her brother. In my mind Wanda becomes apologetic for her expression of grief & Vision delivers the beautiful line "what is grief if not love persevering?” That’s a line I think about often & as someone who often deals in lyrics or creative writing, is ultimately one that I wish I had thought of. Though as of now it definitely would’ve reached a wider audience on Disney+ than me.

We seldom think of grief this way. My perception of it has always been a dark, navy/grayish cloud of despair that sticks to the skin & sinks into the marrow. Almost like some dark force whose job it is to chain you to the depths. I think recently that idea has changed for me. We like to quantify grief in stages. First you hit the one, then the other, then the other three. And while a part of me thinks to an extent that is true in terms of the overarching experience, I think we dip in & out of each of the five stages intermittently & at times randomly. You see, if we look at grief from the perspective of love’s perseverance it becomes something entirely different, it becomes an immensely beautiful, deeply human experience.

Those who do not grieve are whose who have not known love. They have not felt its entirely. individually unique hold on their heart to then know what it is to suddenly have to live without it. They do not see the way in which our memory replays each of the moments, begging us to find what is irreplaceably lost. They do not understand the vacuum of space that feels ripped from your chest because they have not felt that level of DNA melding, intertwining love. Be so glad for that. Know that your sadness can only come from one who has been loved.

My advise to you is to feel these moments. Live in these memories savoring the shimmeringly perfect details & embrace the pain & the detriment that comes with them because these moments will fade. The intensity at which you feel their loss will fade & so too will the sharp edges of those bold, flashing memories. Grieve as you are told to love, wholeheartedly & know that you don’t owe anyone your tears or your smiles. You are allowed to be as “put together” as you need to be, or to not be. Feel what you need to feel because that is the only way to experience grief for what it is, without allowing it to compress down & fester & become this thing that sours your soul or the memory of those who you have lost. Be vulnerable, be bold, claim time for yourself & feel. You will get through it & you will find that those memories that bring you pain will, over time, fill you to the core with that feeling of love that I know right now you feel you have lost. I would also advise you that those you have lost would want you to continue living your life & to not let the delicate balance between succumbing & healing shift too far into the former.

My thoughts & love go out to you all. I understand that no words that I say or no sentiments that I extend will be enough to repair what has been broken, that is entirely up to you.

As always, much love to you all,

-C

Blog: It Must Be Nice

Every two to four years the US likes to turn up the gas on the conversations that happen over family gatherings & across social media platforms. I’ll be the first to admit I kind of enjoy the biannual purge that cleans out my social media followers & friends. It can actually be refreshing from time to time to know where people actually stand. And look, I know a lot of you read that last bit of sentences & had the lovely sentiment of “just because we disagree in the voting booth, doesn’t mean we can’t still be friend” & unfortunately I think we’re way past that societally, morally, & “loving.” I’m sure, once again, me saying that has lost a few of you & some of you have already checked out or clicked out of this blog because you “won’t be a part of divisive politics” which in this day & age is, let’s face it, oxymoronic. If you’re still here & you have a little bit of time I’d love to fill you in on what I mean by all of this & show you why I, & so many who find ourselves living in marginalized groups, feel this way.

Let’s start at what prompted this blog with a little bit of back story. I was on the phone a few weeks ago with someone, whom I shan’t name here because they trusted me enough to speak about their political beliefs openly with me & inadvertently trigger the contents of this blog from the conversation that they & I had. In said conversation we were talking about the upcoming election in which I voiced my support for the Harris/Walz ticket & the general feeling of hope that came with it. We talked policy & things of that nature & the rebuttal of the person I was talking to was very economically driven, as most people are to do when they vote red. They are a well off individual & were upset over the amount of taxes they’d had to pay this year from the sales of an entity that they had worked their lifetime for & which had allow them to retire. I informed them that we hadn’t had a new tax bill since 2019, but their concern was that the incoming potential of a Democratic win would further reduce their earned pile & that which they had prepared to leave for their children once they passed. My response was, what a luxury, that must be nice.

You see while they’re dealing internally with issues like tax policy & inflation (which is mostly a global issue by the way, majority of the rest can be chalked up to corporate greed) I’ve just spent the last several months investigating the deep possibility & probability that had Biden not dropped out, Evan & I would most likely need to expat to another country.

I don’t think that’s over exaggerating either. In fact a lot of people that I know who are members of the LGBTQ+ community, individuals of color, or women, had been doing exactly the same thing to varying degrees. Evan & I had gotten to the point where we were narrowing down countries, looking into visa applications & price, & planning to start the processes for all of these things. Tax policy was honestly the farthest thing from our minds & that’s exactly what I mean when I say “it must be nice.”

It must be nice not to worry about your fundamental rights every election cycle. It must be nice not to fear that the only way that you & your significant other to be together would be by fleeing the country. It must be nice when the things on the ballot for you are not life altering, but instead whether or not you have access to a military grade machine gun. It must be nice not to be worried about whether or not you’re going to be able to afford or attain healthcare. It must be nice to know that certain aspects of who you are as human will not diminish you in society to any degree no matter the outcome. It must be nice not to worry about housing or food or whether or not we will even have a livable planet in 20-30 years. It must be nice to balance the fate of so many, whom you are supposed to love unconditionally as a so called christian, on a vote in favor of your wallet when the alternative could potentially ruin the lives of hundreds of thousands of people. It must be nice.

So no, I don’t mince words, because we are past the point of where an election is simply deciding where & when we spend our tax dollars. We are voting on whether or not those who are different than you; who look different, worship in a different way, love different, have a different tax bracket, have different core beliefs, are worthy of basic human liberties or not. And if you are not someone who can agree with that from a moral stand point, I have little to no interest in anything you say. Because at the end of the day if we can’t agree that all people, no matter their race, gender, background, sexuality, religion, etc. are worthy of life, liberty, & the pursuit of happiness equally, without barriers or restrictions that keep them from living a life with no consequence of your own, then you have lost my respect & any integrity that I thought you might have.

This is not about tax policy. This is not about budgets. This is about the livelihood of millions of Americans who don’t fall under the christian, cis-gender, heterosexual, white blanket & I fear that should this election go the way it looked like it was headed just a month or so ago, then we will have lost any & all hope of regaining & rebuilding America as any form of a United States.

-C

Blog: Ponderance & Teacups

Lately I’ve found myself leaning more & more into ponderances & have caught myself marveling at the ‘through lines’ of it all. Yes, I know ponderances isn’t a word, but I enjoyed the cadence of it in my brain & the way it fits in form. To ponder is to think carefully or in detail about & adding the suffix “ance” insinuates a state of being, ponderances therefore being states of thoughtful thinking. There’s something shimmery & quant about that. Like nostalgia set to theory. I don’t know if it’s the years, the journey into mindfulness, the season of life, or what the cause of this often aloof status would be, but it’s brought about many connections in my head that warm the heart & bring me to marvel at the grand ‘happenstance’ of it all.

One such ponderance & the conclusion that it led to finds its way back to me almost on the daily in the form of teacups. I am a lover of beverages in most of their forms. Most dietitians I’m sure would scoff at the amount of “wasted calories” that I drink, but there’s something altogether entertaining about a drink that’s tastes invigorate the senses & occupy the mind. I am a tea drinker, of course, because of this love (in addition to coffee, cocktails, juices, craft sodas, tonics, etc. etc.). I find the combination of flavors, as well as their medicinal properties, to be fascinating & therefore I consume some form of tea almost each & every day. The existence of this love for beverages has also led me to the accumulation of many a drinking vessel, all of which sit in the same cupboard awaiting their specific & unique intended use.

My mugs, which are often the cup chosen for tea time, actually sit opposite all of the others in my kitchen. However, the tea strainers all sit with the other tea items; the teapot, the ceremonial tea cups, etc. & with the tea paraphernalia lives two very distinct tea cups that are actually one of the newer additions to the collection. Did I mention they also come with a story?

When I go to make my tea; when the water has been warmed, the mug & the leaves has been selected, & I go in search of a strainer they always catch my eye & I can’t help but smile as my fingertips drift over them to where the things I need are stored. They don’t look like much. They’re small, entirely porcelain white, except for the blue lined base & two little raised details that sit on either side of the cups; a soft greyed purple & a blush pink flower & a few cerulean & sage leaves. The tea cups are unassuming. They’re delicate & beautiful when taken in but when places in a collection I’m not sure they’re the first thing that most people would notice. That’s definitely not the case for me as they stand out like a spot in the night, anchoring me to lineage, fate, & a bond between peoples living on opposite ends of the earth.

I don’t know entirely where the teacups originated outside of knowing that they are Japanese in make & in origin. They were brought across the Pacific Ocean, packed carefully in with an assortment of other personal treasures & articles of a life being transplanted from one country to another. Through time & years they ended up in a home on a hilltop in Hillsboro, Oregon where a first generation Japanese family lived with their daughter next door to my parents & their daughter at the time. I’m not sure at what point the family moved away back across the sea, but I do know in the interim, in that time spent as neighbors, they & my parents became rather close. Just as my sister did to their daughter. I have no recollection of the bond or the family in my early years of life because I was a newly minted human being & I’m fairly certain they were gone before my time of memory, but when they departed this country they left behind certain items & gifts, two of which where these teacups.

Years went by & stories were told & the family became a staple of the history that is my immediate family though the years had drifted us apart. Technology had changed, each of us had moved ten times over, the children were grown & starting families & lives of their own, & the ties & bonds slipped nearly into fable. My mother would often sit & express how much she longed to reconnect with the friends whom they hadn’t been able to reach for the many years of separation they'd endured. That was until my love stepped in.

Evan is notoriously good for finding things & people lost to the internet, he should probably be a private investigator, & in the span of around thirty minutes to an hour, he was able to find the socials & email for the family now living in Japan. From there my mother began to reconnect which then led to her connecting me with the daughter of the family whom now I share an online connection with delighting in the photos she posts of her & her blossoming family. And then there are these teacups.

My mom isn’t a tea drinker, if she does, she’s a mug drinker for sure favoring something that comes in a bag over loose leaf. She has not the desire for the ceremonial, meditative aspects of tea brewing & drinking & in knowing that I do, she gifted me the teacups along with the story of their origin. It was a while later, after using them & having them as a staple of my cupboard of cups that I really realized the serendipity of what I had. The amount of life that these simple ceramic vessels had seen & endured all while intertwining two families from two entirely different cultural backgrounds & locations.

The cups were gifted or bought in Japan, where they were crafted. They were used by a family who crossed the largest ocean on the planet to start a new life in an entirely different country. They were passed, lovingly, to my family as their previous owners parted these lands where they sat, waiting the years for the one member of my family who would use them for their intended use to be gifted them. They would then reignite the stories & the desire of connection in which my chosen partner, someone from an entirely different family, from an entirely different part of the country, would reconnect the two separated families. And now they have a home in my house in Tennessee where they frequently spark my sense of wonder & amazement at the sheer tenacity of the invisible string that guides us along. Where they are an anchor point of admiration & love across time, space, generations, & peoples.

I know someday these cups may break. I’m sure out of clumsiness that some day I may accidentally knock them from their shelf & shatter them into a million pieces. And while the idea of losing these points of reference & reverence saddens me, I know that their meaning & their purpose will have been served & that their timing, their patience, & fortitude will have amounted to so much more than just a pair of teacups. Things are just things, stuff is just stuff, but meaning & love & companionship leave behind marks. We can never see them but they are very much felt & maybe, who knows, when the timing is right & if these cups have outlived a love I carry for their practical uses. Maybe they too will make another trip across the sea where they will be returned to a member of the bloodline that gifted them so lovingly to mine & the intersectionality will continue.

Blog: I've Got That Summertime, Summertime Sadness.

Typically this is the type of blog that you would find popping up on my page during the colder months of the year & while those depressive bouts definitely feel different from the place I currently find myself in, I feel that this is no less relevant a topic to so many of you who read my writings. Summer is usually the time of year where I am in my emotional & energetic highs. I love the heat, I love that everything is green & lush & all of the best foods are in season. Also, being a water baby, summer offers the most opportunity for me to be submerged…comfortably. I don’t think all of that is not entirely true currently, as I feel what I’m experiencing has nothing to do with the season itself. I suppose to a degree that the title of this blog is a misnomer, as I don’t have seasonal depression as some do with the warmer months, but instead I find myself in a slump triggered by something else…it just happens to be taking place in the heat of summer.

I’ve written many times about my experience with ADHD & I feel like this is more in line with that side of my psyche than the seasonally depressed one. If you’re unfamiliar with ADHD a lot of us get what is referred to as “executive disfunction.” This form of “ED” (lol) is typically entirely driven by one of two things; dopamine or anxiety. I think I’m dealing with the former, but I’m going to talk about the latter first.

Often times people with executive dysfunction that stems from anxiety get that way because they have too much on their plate. They’re looking around, seeing all of the things they feel they need to get accomplished, & they flounder because their brain can’t figure out where to start. A lot of the time when you’re neurodivergent everything comes across as having equal importance so when you’re weighing one thing against the other your scales can come out flush. This is where the ED sets in & you find yourself breaking down & doing nothing instead of getting the things done that you needed to get done which then results in feelings of low self esteem, self worth, etc.

On the other side of this dysfunctional coin lives the dopamine drive, which people who are neurodivergent are often driven by. You see, we crave novelty, we crave change & constant moments of “oo, look at that!” which is often why people with ADHD are impulsive spenders. Autism typically manifests in the opposite way. Those who are autistic often crave stability, comfort, & constants in their lives.

I’m coming off of almost two to three months of dopamine switch backs. I worked on a single, was writing for other people, did PR & asset work for said single, helped a friend move, worked on an acoustic version of said single, started & finished another single, shot assets for it, went to Colorado, played shows, etc., etc., etc. But the line of exhilaration & burn out it the edge of a knife & I think I found myself burning out which then caused me to falter & stop, as I should which then left my dopamine & novelty meter to run out which then causes me to go in search of quick dopamine fixes; food, social media, working out, etc. With those quick fixes in place my executive function sets in because the things that take longer than five seconds to an hour or so now seem not worth the energy & the cycle perpetuates itself over & over & thus, much like the anxious style, so too does the depression.

The problem is that executive dysfunction begets executive dysfunction & the depression definitely perpetuates it as all it makes me want to do is wallow. It is a battle to get up & do anything at all, truly. Even this blog has been a sloooooooog for me & my brain to get through today as the dopamine payoff is long & delayed. (Most blogs take me about an hour & a half to two.) But unfortunately, I have to re-regulate, I have to push through the slump & do the things that take time, avoiding the quick fixes as best I can in order to get back on track which is typically much easier for me to do in the summer months because there is more going on in the world & amongst my peer groups.

As with any blog regarding my struggles with depression or my ADHD symptoms, I don’t write them for your sympathies or to make excuses for myself. What I do is share all of this because I know there are those of you out there who feel the same way I do or are dealing with similar moments in your lives. Additionally some of you may be reading this to better understand the ebb & flow of mental states of someone in your life, & if that’s what has brought you here I applaud the hell out of you & your desire to engage from an empathetic stand point.

Living in a nuerotypical oriented, ‘go, go, go’ world can be incredibly difficult for some of us & often those who find themselves aligned, mentally, with the world that capitalism has built, don’t understand what it is to not have your brain fit in the box constructed around us. I write these blogs to help educate as much as I do to help those in the same boat find commonality with a stranger on the internet.

I’ll bounce out of this, I’m sure of it. I’m in a low tide moment where the sea has receded & I’m forced to bake in the sun for a while but I know the tide will shift & I will once again be rolling in the surf.

As always, much love to you all!!!

-C

Blog: Why Not?

I think for a lot of us we really get in our own way. We over think the way that we believe others feel about us, whether true or false, but typically in the negative. Seldom do we think about a relationship of ours & think “wow, so & so probably enjoys my company,” “x,y,z, must get value in our companionship if they keep inviting me around” & of course we don’t because even just reading those, it sounds psychotic! That’s not how our brains work, that’s not how we’re all wired & I get it! I understand why. As a member of the kingdom ‘Animalia’ we are hard wired to be looking for the things that are '“wrong” in any given situation. We are programed to be constantly reevaluating the patterns of life around us in search of a change that would indicate danger. (Especially if you’re nuerospicy.) It’s a survival tactic. Even amongst our peers & our loved ones there is a part of us that must always keep up our defenses in the off chance that we have to engage in fight or flight or that our behavior finds us ostracized from our social groups.

I feel like most animals are pretty adepts at reading the body language of their fellow like species. Dogs & cats pick up on aggression cues from one another down to the smallest twitch of the ears or the positioning of the body & we humans are no different. A large number of us are so adept at picking up the interpersonal cues we share that we almost become fortunetellers, putting the pattern recognized cart before the proverbial horse. Sometimes, especially when growing up, certain situations can devolve human behavior & pattern recognition into trauma responses, often from dealing with a neglectful, narcissistic, aloof, abusive, insert your desired adjective here*, care giver. Sometimes those trauma responses come from being outcast by our peers in school or amongst age similar social groups & when left untreated all of these sheltering attributes follow us into adulthood.

Now, I’m not here to give you a sociology lesson or a psychological one. All of this pretense is simply in the way to set up something that I myself have been working through. Maybe it’s the fully developed frontal lobe that finally decided it wants to show up to work or maybe it’s personal growth. Whatever it is, I’ve found myself lately saying “why not” more & more.

If that felt like a hard left turn to a few of you reading this, I promise, the thread will come back around & we’ll tie all of this in a nice little ribbon. I am someone who has always been fairly self conscious. For a lot of you that may come off as surprising given my profession & that I get on here most weeks & spew my thoughts to the world wide web so that they may be read the world wide. But it’s true. I am fairly self conscious. I was never a classic cool kid, until high school I really only had a hand full of friends & I always felt like the black sheep of the suburban lower Midwestern world that I grew up in where people, especially in school, were never slow to voice their opinions of you. I was always taller than everyone in my class, always the weird one, all ways the one who got called ‘gay’ or ‘strange’ & those are badges of honor that take a long time to own, if you ever do. But more & more I’ve abandoned the preconceived societal norms & simply embraced life for what it is.

I think the most recent example of this came from my show the other night. It was the first time in a long time that I had done a full band set & following le pandemmy, I actually redeveloped a bit of stage fright that typically takes me the first song or two to work through. So as the act before me was finishing up, I was off to the side having a bit of a panic at which point I stopped & said to myself “why not just have fun? This is what you love doing, performing, singing, making music, entertaining people, why not just do it for the joy of doing it? If you mess up, you mess up as is human to do & you carry on. No one is here to watch you fail, everyone would rather see the best show you’re filling to give than watch you stumble timidly through a set.” & so that is what I did. I got on stage & I had fun.

Not only did I have fun, but in actually I had a blast & it may have been one of the favorite sets that I’ve done in recent memory. Me having fun allowed the band to have fun which allowed the audience to have fun & following the set I had more people percentage wise come up to me to say how much they loved my music & my energy than I have ever had before.

Another example. I’m someone who has always found themselves reserved with my emotions or the way that I feel, especially when it comes to those I am partnered with. I find myself holding back often & lately I’ve been answering that restraint with “why not?” Why not let your feelings be apparent? Who does it benefit if you hold them back? If anything all it does is create this ere of distance because there is actually self inserted space between you.

I put on music the other night, I thought why not dance? So that’s what I did. Unreserved, unrestricted, I danced freely & had a ball doing so! Why not be honest about what you want to eat when people ask where you want to get dinner? The worst they can do is disagree & then at least you’ve made the attempt & won’t spend the rest of the evening wishing you’d said something, wondering if the evening could have ended up where you wanted to go instead. I’m not saying to be uncompromising here, just telling you to be honest.

Too much of what could be life’s shimmering moments go by behind lock & key. Too many of them pass with fear & hesitation instead of with vigor & joy. If people judge you for doing the things you want, for being the person you want to be, that’s their burden to bare, not yours. Your open expression of joy is often met with the limitations of someone else’s self sabotaging prohibition. Your life is yours to live & feel & embrace, not theirs.

I hope you all have a fabulous ‘whatever point in time you end up reading this’ & will lean into those ‘why nots’ a little more. Have fun, be a shining example of freedom & joy & unapologetic expression because that’s what you deserve. Start small, work your way up! You’ve got this!

As always, much much much love to you all!!!

-C

Release: Consequences Of My Honesty

I had “consequences of my honesty” sitting in my notes app for about three or four months before it ever got written. Any time that I felt anything that I thought pertained to the topic I would drop it into the note & close it out until the next time I felt inspired by it. It wasn’t until Evan & I went to a write with Chase Coy that the song ended up flowing out & boy, did it flow out.

We had tried a few separate ideas with Chase but I think that none of us were really feeling & we actually got to the point where we were preparing to pack it up & call it for the day having not really written anything. I remember Evan had gone to the bathroom & Chase pulling up a random track that he’d been working on & something just clicked. I literally had packed up my bag & just happened to scroll by the idea for “consequences” & we were off to the races.

Majority of the first verse was just spewed from what I had written in my notes & I actually think it was almost written in its entirety by the time Evan returned to the room. We talked as we went along about how the idea had come to be & about how I felt around the content we were putting to page. The answer of “swept under the rug” came up which is where we ended up with our lovely chorus. Verse two was a bit of a talk through as we pieced together association. Aside from there being consequences for my honesty, what else did it feel like there had been consequences for? Which is where we landed on clarity. From there the song really built itself; the refrain sat in naturally & within 30 minutes to an hour we had finished the entirety of the song…which I then proceeded to sit on for almost five years.

I remember saying in a TikTok that I made a week or two ago that I felt like COMH (Consequences Of My Honesty) was a bit of a party trick that I would pull out from time to time. That it was this song that I had deep flowing emotions around, that was an ultimate expression of how I felt at the time, that I could never put out. I would bring it out when people were asking me to show them songs I’d written & I did so often so that I could get people to take me seriously as a writer & an artist. Not just one more CIS/Hetero White Guy who had nothing new to say in the country music space. I also felt like putting the song out would be a betrayal to my family, even though, in truth they were who had made me feel the way I did at the time that the song was written.

Now, I’m not here to throw anyone under the bus. I am not here to shame anyone or make myself seem holier than thou in anyway. I want to preface this before we go forward & talk about the story behind the song & its meaning & be completely transparent, open, & honest. I want to acknowledge the struggle, as there was one for a long while, but I also want to acknowledge the growth, because I am immensely grateful for the growth & effort that my parents put in to changing from where we were in June of 2019 to now. I applaud them for their willingness to listen & to have a myriad of hard conversations over the many years that led us here.

In March of 2019 I came out to my parents. I left them each handwritten notes explaining my (bi)sexuality, my taken relationship status to someone of the same gender, & how it was something that has been a part of me all of my life. I was visiting them in Kansas, passing through on my way back to Nashville with my former manager who I was helping move cross country from LA. Having grown up with ADHD & the cognitive processing that goes with that, I knew my parents would be reactionary. I also knew anything I said would fall on deaf ears at a certain point. I also knew myself & knew if I didn’t write down what I wanted to say that I would mess it up, become reactionary, become emotional, & breakdown. So I left them the notes in the morning on their pillows & made our way back to Nashville.

It was a painstakingly anxiety filled day, waiting for their response which I didn’t end up getting until probably 8 or 9 o’clock that evening in the form of a text. My father called me a coward for not telling them in person, even though I knew the fallout & told me my mother had been throwing up ever since reading the note. Additionally they sent an email to my former manager & chastised her for the “mishandling of my brand.” After that I didn’t hear from them for two to three weeks.

I lay all of this out because I think it has deep relevance to the song itself. I again, am not here to judge or punish anyone publicly for their actions or beliefs, as at the end of the day we are all humans who have deep ingrained belief systems that really don’t like it when someone chucks a rock at their hornets nest.

When I finally heard from them it was like nothing had happened. Like everything I’d said, the weeks I’d gone through in silence & in pain, amounted to nothing. It was all just swept under the rug. In psychology we call this “dishonest harmony” & it is something that affects older generations at an alarming rate. It is the notion that it is better to have harmony at any cost, even if it is entirely fabricated or glosses over a conflict. This song was written in that time period where I felt the weight of the dishonest harmony as well as was receiving the consequences of my honesty & clarity.

Again, many hard conversations & years later & we are all at a place that is lightyears beyond any improvement that I could have predicted.

In Feb/March of this year I started working on new music. Initially it was with my typical producer, Joshua Gleave. We were working on a song called “Woebegone.” Josh, who is on the road with Sam Hunt, found himself greatly disillusioned with producing & quit all together sending me a long list of recs whom I listened through & seriously contemplated. It was then that I remembered an old band mate of mine, Jess Grommet, had reached out asking me if I needed any demos done as he was now full time in the production space. I reached out not for a demo, but to see if he was full on producing as I knew he & I had similar taste in music. He sent me over a sample of some of the artists that he’d done projects for & I was blown away!

Jess & I met one rainy afternoon at Frothy Monkey in The Nations. We sat & conversed for almost two hours, catching up on life, music, etc etc. At the point where music was brought up I pitched him a few ideas that I felt I’d be cool working on. He knowingly asked if there was anything that I had written that I felt strongly about & COMH was brought up. I explained the song & the premise & told him frankly that I was nervous to cut the song as I knew it would require yet another hard conversation with my parents, but we agreed that it would be the song we would do & set a date to meet up again at his studio.

I kid you not when I tell you I waited until the night before our session to have that conversation with my parents. When I did, I told them exactly what the song pertained to, when it was written, why it was written, & why I felt it was important to put out, even if I knew that it would make them uncomfortable or that they simply would not like what I had to say. They were surprisingly cool with it.

Jess & I started tracking & over the span of 3-4 sessions had the song entirely pieced together, also adding in drums from Alec Parrish. We pulled inspiration from everywhere: The 1975, Taylor Swift, Brothers Osborne, Usher, & even Avatar: The Last Airbender. In addition to all of my precious releases! After we had it to a place that felt good we did two in person mix sessions & sent it off to Sterling Sound to be mastered by Adam Grover. The song was distributed by TooLost with PR by Trend PR & photo assets by Evan, & I am beyond proud of it!

Even leading up to the two or so days after the song came out I was anxious about its release. It was an incredibly vulnerable part of me that I had just shoved out into the world for feedback on. Additionally, my parents hadn’t heard the song, at their request, until after it had come out to the public. They apparently really like it. If I’m being honest, I’m over the moon with how COMH turned out. I think it has turned over a new leaf for me & allowed the walls that surrounded my creativity to come cascading down. For so long I was so afraid to say the wrong thing, to hurt someone close to me even though it was how I felt, & putting this out into the world has given me the permission to be authentic & open 100% in my music & writing. Even if the song is a “flop” I am beyond grateful for all that it has shown me & the freedom it has given me! I’m naturally also grateful to all of you out there who are streaming it & sharing it! It means the world!

Consequences Of My Honesty is available anywhere you listen to music! The acoustic version, that I self produced, will be out in just two weeks & you can pre-save it below! If you’re reading this after the 19th of July 2024 it’s already out & you can just stream it too!!!!

I am so beyond grateful for your continued support & for the love you’ve shown me & this song!!!

As always, much love to you all,

-C

Blog: Do We Still Need Pride- 2024 Edition

Every year I don’t think I’m going to redo this blog until I sit down in the month of June & find myself reentering the title into the title line above. I never planned for this to become a yearly installment, but alas it seems here we are once again. Each year that I do this blog I end up highlighting the reasons in which celebrating the month of June as LGBTQ Pride is still entirely important. I do so using current & pending Anti-LGBTQ laws, relevant stories, & shamelessly, a bit of my own personal opinion as someone who lives within the community & finds the vast majority of their friends falling under one of the letters covered in the month.

If I’m being frank, I don’t take much enjoyment in writing this blog year to year. A lot of the time the reason for that is because the resounding “yes” of an answer to the question presented in the title of this piece comes with heavy news & disheartening statistics. A lot of the time this blog also ends up taking the form of a research paper when majority of what I do is think pieces, travel blogs, personal stories, & the like. This blog often weighs heavily on me as it feels, in a lot of ways, that true equality & freedom get farther & farther our of reach.

I understand that in a lot of ways progress has marched on & made a lot of headway. There is more & more queer representation in media, more queer artists are receiving their much deserved flowers & not being maligned because of their gender identity or sexual orientation. But with the march of progress & the normalizing of things that the hateful deemed taboo for many many years comes those with loud voices who make massive waves in the public by having a platform that is divisive & fueled by scapegoating & misinformation.

I want to make a few things abundantly clear before I continue on. If you are someone reading this who finds themselves on the side of history where you’re saying things like “why don’t straight people have a month” or “I just don't understand why they have to rub their lifestyle in our faces” I want you to read the following paragraph very carefully. Okay? This is a safe space for you as much as it is for those of my fellow members of the alphabet mafia. This is a safe space for you to challenge & question if what you believe & feel is true or not or if it’s just talking points & frustration. Your emotions are valid & they exist for a reason, though I’m not sure entirely if they’re being pointed at the right folks. Are you ready?

The LGBTQ community does not endorse pedophilia. We do not & will not ever include pedophilia in the rainbow banner, nor will we ever praise the outward expression of such. If anyone has told you otherwise I would ask you to reexamine your sources & reexamine their sources. Along that same vein. No one is giving gender reassignment surgery to minors & if they are (big if there) the vast majority of us also agree that said doctor should lose their license. The last & final thing that I need you to be clear on before we go forward is whether or not any of this is natural. The science, the legitimate science, has proven same sex attraction, gender dysphoria, etc, etc, etc, to be a common & pervasive thing not only amongst human beings but also all over the animal kingdom. That is no longer up for debate despite that seeming to be a “discourse” I hear brought up time & time again. Being queer is not a choice. Having the courage & the privilege to live an openly queer lifestyle that honors who you are as a person inside & out is. It is something that needs to be normalized because it is normal. No one is trying to convert children into becoming LGBTQ, if anything people are, again, trying to normalize a scientifically normal occurrence so that those who fall under the blanket of being LGBTQ stop feeling & being ostracized, vilified, murdered, beaten, abused, driven to suicide, & misunderstood. We are talking about human beings here. We are talking about your sons, daughters, children. We are talking about your brothers, sisters, siblings, mothers, fathers, parents, guardians, aunts, uncles, relatives, best friends, significant others, we are talking about real people in your lives that you probably claim to love.

As I mentioned above the march has been discouraging over the last couple of years & June 2023-June 2024 is no different. States continue to propose & pass laws that limit the rights of those in the queer community & hate crimes, specifically against those who are trans, are reaching decades long record highs. We are currently staring down the barrel of Project 2025, a Republican plan to completely gut the rights of LGBTQ Americans on Day 1 of a conservative dominated Washington DC. That’s not hyperbolic, you can read about it on the RNC’s site, laid out in plain English, right here. We are at a pivotal point in our history where the casual hate & bigotry has reached a boiling point that threatens to boil over in November of this year.

Additionally, retailers like Target, Walmart, etc. have either scaled back their Pride collections of entirely dismissed them following the outcry of the vocal minority during June of 2023. While rainbow capitalism isn’t great, neither is erasing the visibility & presence it gave to the community on a national scale.

Pride is once again slipping back into the realms of its origin & becoming a protest. A protest for visibility, for public safety, for rights. It’s becoming a protest for freedom, not only of expression, but also of peace of mind & security. Pride is undoubtedly more important than ever. It is a demand to be seen, to be heard, to not go silently & turn over because it’s convenient or easier for those who live on the outside looking in. Pride is not only needed, it is essential. It is essential for those who someday dream of having a quiet, normal life with their partner & their children. It is essential to the person who one day dreams of looking in the mirror & seeing their body reflect the beautiful human underneath. It is essential to those who dream of living a life free of fear of persecution, of emotional & physical harm, of having to chose between who you are & who those with outdated mentalities think you need to be. Pride is essential. Pride is community building, fortifying, & solidifying. Pride is health care, preventative care, & suicide prevention. Pride is expression, & honesty, & loving. Pride is, & continues to be, needed.

If you are someone who is reading this who finds themselves within the community; whether that’s questioning or confirmed, you are loved & you are valid & there are people out there who are so beyond ready to embrace the real you & show you what real, true, unconditional love looks like. If you are someone who is not in the community but loves its members personally, on behalf of all of us, thank you. Your support, affirmation, & affection goes so much farther than you could ever know. If you are someone who is neither of these things I challenge you. I challenge you to make a queer friend, to reach out to that estranged loved one, to make a genuine human effort to see them as who they are because I promise you’ll find so much beauty & unfiltered love waiting there. Set your beliefs, your politics, your whatever aside for a while & meet someone where they are, just as two human beings trying to make their way through the world. And finally, if you are someone who claims to love a queer person but then votes against them every chance you get, I beg of you, listen to what those in marginalized groups are trying to tell you. Please. It is not a loving act to claim that you care for someone & then worsen their lives because you think they’re overreacting or being alarmist. The last couple of years have proven that none of us were or are being alarmist.

As always, much love to you all,

& of course, Happy Pride!

-C

Blog: Life In Repair

I’m not going to spend this blog talking about Harvey, though I could do so indefinitely. I’m not here to talk about my ear or anything regarding the anxiety I have/had around it. Though these things will feature in the blog only in their remnants, what I’d like to talk about today is more in line with what it means & what if feels like to be living life ‘in repair.’

In addition to the two aforementioned events, Evan & I had a tough May 2024. Everything seemed to be perpetually going wrong. Our month started off with me noticing a mealybug infestation on a whole room of my house plants. After failed treatment after failed treatment I finally took them outside, removed the dirt entirely, lightly pressure washed the plants, soaked them & their pots in a water & castile soap mixture for around thirty minutes, rinsed them again, sprayed them down with alcohol, rinsed them again, & repotted them in new soil that was treated with systemic to get rid of any possible eggs which all took about six hours total. (I found more mealybugs back on the same plants yesterday…) Then one of the more expensive pumps on my fish tank went out. Then our dishwasher broke & flooded our kitchen & the cabinets. Then we started to hear birds in our walls which then lead to an infestation of bird mites. Then Max scratched the screen of Evan’s brand new MacBook. Then Harvey passed. Then our AC went out. And while in the grand scheme of things a lot of these items are trivial, they still added up to be major stressors.

Additionally while all of this was happening Evan was departing his old job preparing to turn his other into a full time gig, I was wrapping recording & mixing of my next single, we were shooting & creating content for it, all while trying to maintain the every day day to day events & goings on around the house & within our social lives. We were both getting more & more stretched thin while fighting the anxieties of healing & later to currently the grief of losing a member of our immediate family. We truly began to wonder if were in fact cursed.

I’m not bringing any of this up to gain your pity, I’m not here to say “oh, poor us, look at the shit storm we’ve been navigating.” I understand life comes at you in waves & that sometimes the surf can be treacherous to even drowning. I just needed to outline those events for you so you understand where I’m coming from. I’d be lying to you all if I said I didn’t feel like I had a bit of stress fatigue, I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t still actively grieving though each day does get easier than the last. But what I want to illustrate to you all if what I am trying to extend to myself & what I recommended extending two weeks ago when I wrote “Healing Doesn’t Happen Overnight.” That it’s okay to give yourself grace & have a little patience as you do your best to reassemble a life.

I am living life in repair, as I know so many of us are right now. What does that look like? What does that mean? It means I’m chugging along but I’m being mindful. I’m keeping stock of the things that still require my attention both within my being as well as in my environment & doing my best to mend & set them properly so that they begin to heal or are easier to pick up & complete along the way. I’m extending the understanding that it’s a long month & that I’ve been through a lot. I’m also keeping vigilant & staying at the ready for the inevitability that more things will come.

I’m allowing myself to say no, I’m conquering projects that I put off, I’m prioritizing my health, my wellbeing, because I cannot properly help & assist anyone else while I am still fractured & neither can you & neither should you. You are worthy of health, you are worthy of peace & the feeling of safety. You are worthy of life as it exists to the fullest extend. And so am I!

I know fixing the problems & sitting off to the side while the world seems to go by can be disheartening, it can feel like you’re wasting away or like you’re being antisocial, a bad friend, a bad family member, but your health, in all aspects, is important. Repairs are worth the time that it takes for them to take hold & be functional again.

I also want you to realize that sometimes things don’t heal in the same way that they originated. Some things wither off & die, but it is only to make room for new growth & new life. In traditional tarot reading there is a card called ‘The Tower.’ The Tower to a lot of people signals doom, & to an extent that’s what the card stands for on the surface. In reality the story behind The Tower is a fire that destroys the building in its entirety. What happens next is a beautiful thing. You sift through the ashes & find what remains. You find the pieces that resisted the fire, the resilient, the gems that were tucked away in the walls, & from the ash & dismay, you build a better tower to stand in the place of that which you thought you wanted but was no longer serving you & was standing in the way of something better.

Be diligent in sifting through your ashes. Notice the messages, the lessons, & once you have everything you need to move forward, plant that first brick, then the next. Build your tower more magnificent & glistening than that which stood before. Repair, remake, & remain resilient.

As always, much love to you all,

-C

Blog: On Harvey

Introduction

I couldn’t decide if I wanted to skip this week’s blog or not simply out of bereavement, but the more I sat with the idea, the more I felt it was important to use this as an outlet & to show the world just how amazing a dog it just lost. I know for those of you who knew Harvey, even in the limited capacity, you understand. He was something truly & deeply special that extends well beyond being ‘just a dog.’ I know this blog will be hard to write, I’ve faced that & accepted it. I know for some of you it may also be hard to read as the hearts broken by this loss are not simply my own. I don’t, as of writing this introductory paragraph, know exactly what shape this blog will take but I know at the very least it will include a bit of an obituary, probably a reflection from yours truly, & maybe something else. I guess time will tell. If I seem to lose the plot or narrative from time to time, I apologize, as previously stated this blog is going to hard for me to write, I am sure I will break down a few times, as I already have just from writing of him briefly in the middle of this section.

History

Harvey was born on January 21st, 2011 at a puppy mill somewhere in Missouri. He was the last of his liter & at a certain point was either sold or given away to a dog seller in Bolivar. I found Harvey in mid-May of 2011 in an ad for the Kansas City Star after finishing my freshmen semester at Belmont University. I’d just moved off campus & was in desperate search for a dog as I missed having one around. We’d always had dogs growing up & I’d always wanted a golden retriever & Harvey seemed to be the purebred golden that nobody wanted as he had sat in a concrete kennel for the first four months of his life. Harvey & I first met on May 20th of 2011. I loved him instantly. My sister drove me to go get him where I payed $250 dollars cash for him & fell in love instantly. He was dirty, in desperate need of a bath & a name change. At the time he was going by “Rusty” which is ironically what my father was called as a child. After throwing up in my sister’s car & pooping in my parents carpeted bathroom, he was given a thorough bath & driven back to Nashville with me.

Harvey & I hit it off instantly, we were basically inseparable. Most anywhere I went, he joined. We slept in the same bed, ate at the same time, ran together, swam together, spent evenings on the couch together & were truly the closest & fastest of friends. Harvey was goofy, he had an infectious smile & energy & often got the zoomies, especially when take outside & let off the leash in the vacant field behind my apartment. He was impossible to potty train, as prior to our meeting he’d never been on grass & my first apartment was concrete slab flooring, but I did my best to have patience with him.

Harvey saw me through breakups, spiraling depression, days where I couldn’t get out of bed but knew I had to for his sake. He was always there to rest his head on my legs & look up at me with the kindest eyes & the warmest kisses, especially on the days I needed them the most.

He & I moved out of the city to the suburbs in December of 2012 where he now had a yard to play in & a river to swim in which he quickly adapted to & became obsessed with on our afternoon runs. And there we lived, all this time, seeing changes in seasons, roommates, relationships, & life.

Around 2019-2020 Harvey’s health started to decline. At the age of nine he really started not doing well; his joints were diminishing, he was having liver issues, he was barely eating & didn’t want to do majority of the activities he loved. The average lifespan of a golden retriever is around 10 years so I began to think maybe it was just approaching his time. Either way I switched up his diet & began to walk him a little more. The real turning point came in June of 2020 when Evan & I adopted Peter. Pete was meant to be a bit of a ‘bridging dog,’ planning for the inevitable & making the transition hypothetically easier. Pete gave Harvey new life & on he went kicking for another three years or so.

At a certain point we had to stop our hikes, our trips to the river, & way before any of those, our runs. His old body just couldn’t take it anymore but he never lost his heart, his smile, or the love that beamed from him at all times. He just slowed down.

In November of last year Harvey fell while on a walk. He was walking, faltered a little, & then fell over. From there he almost completely diminished. He wouldn’t eat or walk. He had no interest in treats of anything. So we took him to my family’s for Thanksgiving so that they could say their 'goodbyes’ to him fully anticipating that he wouldn’t make it through the following week. I wrote a blog around that time call “The Part Of Pet Ownership That No One Takes To Heart” you can read it by clicking the title if you’d like. Eventually though, Harvey bounced back. Apparently large retrieving dogs are prone to strokes in their old age, which they can heal from & get over.

Harvey continued chugging along until a few weeks ago when he started to become very picky about food. It wasn’t necessarily that he wasn’t eating, is was that he would take a whole day to finish a bowl he usually polished off in one setting. We chocked it up to the kibble hurting his gums & switched him entirely to wet food & rice, which he ate most of upon being served.

What Happened

Earlier this week he stopped taking much interest in the wet food. He would eat a bite or two, but would let it sit & would nibble throughout the day. He would still always finish the bowl until a few days ago when he cut his food intake down from two bowls a day to barely making it through one. I had the intent of taking him to the vet on Friday if nothing changed but he beat us to it.

Thursday Evan & I fed the dogs, Harvey ate a bit but not much, but he was still his normal energy level & self so we left to run a few errands, see a movie, & have dinner with a friend. We arrived home later in our evening to find our kitchen covered in blood. The blood ended up being Peter’s & was coming from the tip of his tail which we originally wrote off as “Happy Tail Syndrome” where a dog smacks its tail on a wall or something sharp & bleeds. After we got him mended, we turned back to the both of them to instigate a walk.

We’d noticed that Harvey seemed aloof when we got in the door, he didn’t greet us there like he typically does & was laying against the window with his tail tucked & his head hung. We checked him initially to see if he had any bites from Pete as they’ve been known to fight from time to time, but he was unscathed. We tried to get him up to go outside before his walk but he had to be helped, not uncommon. He went to get a drink & immediately fell back over. Evan managed to get him outside where he said he kind of just wobbled around & didn’t do anything before coming inside & laying down. I tried to rouse him for the walk of which he showed no interest & when I got him back up he simply sauntered into the laundry room & slumped against the wall. It was then that I noticed his breathing was heavy, he was having contractions of his lower abdomen, & he was salivating a ton, in addition to being hyper lethargic. We loaded him & Peter up in the car & took him off to the emergency vet.

When we got to the emergency vet I had to carry him in. With the weight he’d lost over the last couple of weeks & age he was fairly light, relatively speaking. The doctors put him on a gurney & rushed him to the back. We sat for about an hour with no word. Eventually the doctor came in & explained to us that they’d done an x-ray & it showed a mass effect where his liver & spleen sat. He gave us two options. We could either put him down or have him stabilized until the morning at which point they would do an ultrasound & a series of tests to determine the cause. We asked for a quote for the latter, just to make sure there was nothing that could be done to heal him. They came back a while later with a quote of around $3K just for the hospitalization & the tests. At this point it was round 3 AM & we asked if he was stable enough to take home so that we could take him to our normal vet at 7:30 when they opened to see their thoughts & recommendations. We didn’t get him back & out of the hospital til around 3:45 at which point we got help from the techs loading him into the car on a towel.

I carried Harvey into the house & laid him on the bathroom floor, his favorite sleeping spot, especially when he was hot. He was running a mild fever so it seemed fitting. I got out my sleeping bag & bed mat & set up a temporary arrangement by his side to spend the next couple of hours in case he needed anything. I laid there stroking his fur as he breathed heavily until he fell asleep & I did the same.

Around 6 AM Harvey attempted to get up, he didn’t make it very far off his side & proceeded to defecate on the floor of the bathroom. I only share this detail because it’s important for the coloration. Typically when dealing with liver diseases or cancer you see a build up of yellow bile in the system, this was entirely that. I hoisted him into the bath tub, got him all cleaned up, & prepared to depart for the vets office.

At this point I had no misconceptions. I knew I was about to lose him but I wanted a professional to tell me there was little to nothing that could be done. I told Evan that he needed to prepare for that, that I was 95% sure we would be returning home later in the morning without him. He agreed on the feeling.

We arrived at Belmont Animal Hospital right before they opened. I followed a receptionist in & explained what had happened & that even though I knew I didn’t have an appointment I was hoping they’d still be able to help. She got the nurses to gurney Harvey in where they initially took in the back to get a doctor’s opinion before bringing the three of us into an exam room. The doctor met us there where she instructed us that she thought there was likely nothing they could do. They were willing to run the tests if we wanted them & needed that closure, but she said that even if they had answers the likelihood of them being able to do anything to fix it at his age was slim to none. We agreed that it was time & began the process of saying goodbye.

Harvey was so tired at the end. He could barely keep his eyes open, he had no interest in the bit of bacon that the brought him, & you could just tell that he was ready to go. I know selfishly we all want our dogs to live forever. We all want them to recover indefinitely & be with us til we go, but that’s not the deal, & it hurts like hell to have to make that decision but I don’t regret it one bit. It was his time & anything past that would’ve just extended his suffering for my own selfish reasons.

The doctor gave us time to say our goodbyes, the doctor he’d had since he was a puppy came in to sit with him for a while, then we Evan & I sat on the floor with him as they administered the euthanasia.

I’m pretty sure Harvey was gone after the second dose of anesthetic they gave him. He let out one last big deep breath even before the euthanasia had been administered. Harvey passed away peacefully & surrounded by people that loved him to the ends of the earth around 8:30 AM on Friday May 24th, 2024 at the ripe age of 13 years & 4 months & 3 days. We sat with him for probably another thirty minutes to an hour before we left him in the car of the staff.

The Aftermath

I’m going to be real with you all. I miss my dog. I miss him so horribly that I can hardly stand it. It is grief like that which I have never known. Harvey was my best friend. He was one of my favorite things about my life. I would have done anything for that dog. He had this ability to bring out the best of us & his sweetness & kind heart knew no bounds right up until the very end. He was a better companion than I ever could have dreamed to asked for & is honestly one of the main reasons that I still make footprints on this planet. Our house feels like a vacant shell without him, like all that is good has been sapped from us & our hearts & we are left to deal with nothing but pain & emptiness. Harvey was by far the best of us. He inspired so many into not only adopting Goldens but adopting dogs in general in the sheer hope that they too would get to experience the level of love Harvey poured into all of us nonstop. He is irreplaceable & the greatest dog I think I will ever have the privilege of knowing, all biases aside.

There are things that no one tells you about losing your dog. They never tell you how you’ll relive lost echos in each room you pass through, that you’ll walk in the door still expecting to be greeted but that infectious, loving smile, & it’s just gone. They never warn you how empty your house feels. How you’ll cautiously turn every cornered, widening your birth because you expect to see them still lying there on the floor. They don’t warn you about the vacancy'; not just the physical but also the massive, bottomless hole that it leaves in your heart. The feeling that a piece of you is gone that you will never be able to retrieve or mend, but will instead just eventually get used to. They don’t warn you that your other dog will whine in their sleep, that he’ll search endlessly in the usual places around the yard & in the house for them. That they’ll begin each day by looking for their leash then laying to watch & see if they return through the front door. They never warn you that’ll you’ll make too much dinner. That you’ll repeat the practice that you’ve carried on for years not realizing you’ve made too much because there’s a bowl that will forever remain empty now. They never warn you about the favorite toys, the leashes, the bowls, the special treats that are scattered around the home waiting to flood you with grief. They never warn you about the smells that you’ll catch on an old blanket or hoodie that immediately take you back to them. They never warn you about that first walk without them, about how much ever single step hurts when they’re gone. They never warn you about the signatures they leave behind; the hair, the smudged on the window where they used to sit & wait for your return, the scratches on the floor where they used to roll & scratch after they finished their supper. They never warn you of how the pain sneaks up on you, of how something will pop up out of the blue & remind you of them & in an instant you’re back on the floor whispering your goodbyes to them. They never warn you about how hard it is to carry on after a great dog goes& they never warn you how much it rips you to shreds to not be able to call their name & watch their ears perk up.

Harvey, I will miss you forever. I am so grateful for all that you were not just to me, but to so many & the outpour of love in your name speaks volumes to just how amazingly bright a star you were. I love you to the deepest extent of my soul & your passing has demolished me. I will spend the rest of my days searching endlessly for a better dog than you, though I know that is a fruitless & hopeless endeavor. Rest easy Rooster, I will spend my lifetime counting down the days til I am reunited with the dog who was nothing short of an angel.

I miss my dog y’all, more than anything, I miss him so damn bad.

Please hug your pets for me tonight. They are more precious than you can possibly imagine.

With love always,

-C

Harvey May 2020

Photo Credit: Evan Michael

Blog: Healing Doesn't Happen Overnight.

About mid-March something happened while I was diving in the Philippines. If you’re an avid reader of my blogs you may already know to what I am alluding, but if you are not, worry not, I will fill you in as we go. I sustained a small, yet meaningful injury while out in Bohol that ended up altering the course of my trip as well as the weeks & months following it & for the last two months I’ve treated said injury like it was nothing, like it was healed or a thing in the past, which for all intents & medical purposes, it is. But I came to the realization this week that I don’t think I’ve psychologically healed from it.

Back in March I perforated my left ear drum. I’m not entirely sure if it was done while diving or when I had two o-rings pop on scuba tanks right next to the ear ear in question, but I am starting to feel it was a combination of the the two with the latter being the inceptive event.

I went to a doctor in the Philippines for the injury as well as two separate otolaryngologists here in The States that assured me that the hole was there initially & that it was sealed up & in the process of being healed. I noticed the injury going forward mostly within the first month of having it. Loud noises would cause it to buzz uncomfortably, almost like the feeling of a high pitched dental drill, but without the sound, & it also kept me awake at night. My eustachian tube would crackle & pop all throughout the night, adjusting to the pressure within & without the mending drum. Other than that, I had no physical pain or wonky discomfort & by all measures of medicine, I was healing.

I came to the realization earlier this week that I hadn’t had my ears underwater since being diagnosed with the perforation in the Philippines. Yes, I take showers & cleaned my ears, but I hadn’t taken a bath or gone swimming which for someone like me who craves the water & being submersed there in, is incredibly strange. I realized that for two whole months I hadn’t stuck my head underwater, which medically is probably wise since a perforation can take a total of 3-4 months to fully heal, but psychologically I found myself getting very anxious at the sheer thought of submerging my whole being back in water which is something that has never happened for me.

The body keeps score, whether we as people want to acknowledge that we’ve been through something traumatic or not, the body knows & often times the latent affects of that take a while to make their way up through the grey matter of our subconscious into the forefront of our thinking, conscious brain. For some of us that never happens & we end up living out lives unaware of the trauma that we are storing in certain parts of our body & the physical manifestations therefrom. The more I thought & thought about submersion, the more anxious it made me, & the more angry I found myself getting that I would be anxious over something I thought so trivial & stupid. I’ve been swimming as long as I can remember, bodies of water, especially oceans, are my calming, safe place, my retreat when I need to stop feeling like I’m drying out. To an extent that all felt kind of ripped away from me even though I knew there were ways of going forward in life had the perforation continued to exist. It didn’t take me long to decide that I needed to reclaim my strength & fortitude & try dealing with my trauma head on so that hopefully, it too will start to heal.

I guess the powers that be kind of forced my hand too as Evan & I had to have birds removed from our walls & the only way the retrieval crew could get to them was through the ceiling of our shower, which I have since patched with drywall & fixed. However, while our shower has been out of commission, I was forced to take baths to get clean.

I spent a relatively long time in the bath the other evening. Our tub is fairly large & allows for a person to lay down comfortably in it at least majority submerged, so I spent my time there preparing for the inevitability of having to dunk my whole head to get clean. When the time finally came & felt myself having to overly prepare for it mentally, like stepping into a cold shower or an ice bath. Once my head was finally under I found myself having to fight to regulate my heart rate.

I did this a process a few more times, each time trying my best to calmly navigate my way through it, osculating my head back & forth to make sure to get the water in my ear. At a certain point I got comfortable enough to set with it & fortunately, by the end of it, my ear didn't end up having it feel wonky or uncomfortable.

I found my anxiety continuing even after the conclusion of my bath. I sat in bed mentally checking to see if anything felt off physically with the ear or if I felt it had been a mistake to carry out my trial, but the more time I sat & thought about it, the more anxious I became. I decided to put it out of my mind for the night & see if the morning bore any different results from those of the evening.

Morning came & went & nothing came of the fears that still lived within me. I took another bath that evening & allowed myself to go through the trials of the ear drum once again, drying it thoroughly afterwards just to be safe & using medicated drops to make sure the moisture wouldn’t become trapped & result in an infection. Still I felt uneasy about it all.

I realized I was trying to rush my healing. I wanted to force & mold something delicate & tender with sheer brute force & will power & I had to realize that, as with all things, healing takes time, especially when it comes to healing the mind. I have to give myself & my body the space & patience they need to come back together on the same page, in a place where I am able to submerge without becoming anxious or fearful that my ear drum is going to just fly back open. Just like my body didn’t physically heal over night, my mind can't & shouldn’t be expected to do the same.

I’ll be alright, I know I will. I know there will come a time down the road where I won’t thing twice about fully entering the water & that is worth waiting for & it is worth putting in the effort to heal along the way.

I hope you all have a fabulous weekend or whatever point of the week this blog finds you & remember to extend a little patience & grace your own way!

As Always, Much Love,

-C

Blog: *Insert Title Here

To be honest, I’m here staring at my screen, watching the place indicator blink on what was a previously blank page with the word “blog:” typed in the title slot above. It’s been that way for about an hour now & while I don’t know if anything will come of it, I figured it was better for me to just start typing & figure the rest out along the way. I don’t know what this will be, if it will be anything at all. I can’t promise you that it will be worth your time to read or that it will change your mind about some goings on in the world at the moment, I’m just a guy sat at his computer, desperately trying to squeeze some creative juice onto a virtual page. At the end of the day is that enough? Is my lack of prophetic insight this week enough to classify it as content, is it enough to keep those who read this virtual collection of thoughts & experiences satiated for another week? I don’t know, but here I am, still typing away.

Maybe this will end up being more of a brain dump, at least that’s the direction it seems to be going following that previous paragraph. What meta commentary I have for you all this week. But I don’t outwardly know what I have that is exciting for me to talk about with you all, & maybe that’s okay too.

A part of me is sitting here saying “just delete the whole thing & go do something else, no one is going to want to read this nonsense, just call off the blog for this week until you have something interesting to say.” Then there’s another side of me telling me that that is a cop out. That I need to power through & put data to page simply for the act of doing so & to hell with the idea that having it be accepted by anyone as a genuine ‘blog entry.’ I can’t dictate how you feel about it any more than it seems I can come up for an idea for this week’s entry. But to some extent, isn’t this an idea?

Isn’t my rambling, my word vomit, some form of an idea? Because if I’m being frank, I want you to relate to me. Selfishly I want you to read this & understand & empathize with what it is to stare your weekly commitments in the face & come up dry with anything that you deem is of value. Which, let’s face it, we all can relate to.

If you’ve made it this far & haven’t snuck out on me, I applaud you & I guess I also thank you for your time & whatever persistence is driving you through this borderline nihilistic hogwash I am putting us all through. I can’t make promises that next week’s blog will be better or more interesting or that I’ll have a better grasp on a concept to present you all with because I don’t know those things & typically when I sit down to write with no knowing of where the blog will take my I eventually come up with something, but my inspiration is fleeting today it seems. Sorry for the run on sentence.

I don’t know if I can pull some profound meaning out of all of this for us to tie up in a neat little bow, nor am I sure that I want to, because in a lot of ways that would feel inauthentic & I fear would present me as a pontificating try hard. I truly don’t know where or when to wrap this or even why I continue typing as I am, but it is what it is I suppose.

I could, in theory, relate this all back to what it is to be a creative, to be expected to ‘turn on’ my creativity like a light switch, but that feels like playing the martyr, when in reality I’m so blessed to be able to do this. I’m blessed to have readers who return to this place like Nic Kidman in an AMC ad (at least that’s how I imagine it), I’m blessed to have the ability to afford a laptop, internet, a squarespace subscription, a domain, that allows me to have this public voice. I’m blessed to have a creative mind that I get to squeeze from time to time & I’m blessed with the aspects of myself that have drawn you all in to reading this, to listening to my songs, to liking my photos, etc. Again, no idea where I’m going with all of this.

I’m curious though. As I think this will be one of the last paragraphs of this open journey entry what this blog has left you with. What has it made you feel? What emotions has it brought up? Do you feel that I wasted your time or did you find some form of solace & comradery in my musings? Please let me know, if anything this blog has piqued my curiosity in the inner workings of you all & how you depart these brief sessions we share together each week.

As always,

Much love to you all,

…sorry I didn’t have something more interesting to say,

-C

Travel Blog: New York City, New York: Turning 32 On West 35th Street!

Prologue

Well, well, well. I bet we all didn’t anticipate being back here so soon did we?! Another travel blog?! Why yes indeed dear reader, another travel blog! This time, however, we’re staying stateside & visiting a city that I love but hadn’t been to in almost half a decade, which just typing that is blowing my mind. As per usual, you are currently looking at the “prologue” portion of this blog which will be a one off. No multipart series this time around I’m afraid. With that in mind let’s get into the details shall we?!

Evan & I had literally just gotten back from the Philippines, We’re talking arrived home the day before on a Sunday & woke up the Monday after to an email from Southwest Airlines with an offer that they extend our way every few months, & which we usually do our best to take advantage of. The offer was that if we booked a round trip flight within the next three days, to be taken in completion by mid-May, that we would earn a companion pass for two months at the end of summer/beginning of fall. I am someone who unfortunately spoils himself rotten & likes nothing more than to travel for my birthday, surprise, surprise. Having not been to New York City in five years & desperately wanting to see Sweeney Todd before it closed, New York City was the winner & for about $200 round trip we got our flights as well as earned our companion passes which allow us to fly free with a companion during the months in which it is active.


NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK

Day One


Typically Evan & I are early fliers, this time we went with an evening flight which was really nice because it allowed us the freedom to go about our day, pack & prepare at an acceptable pace, & get an adequate amount of sleep the morning of. It does definitely negate the ability to have “another day” in the place you’re visiting but Ev also had to work half the day leading up to our flight so it worked out.

We ended up being delayed an hour or so for our flight to Laguardia, but once we were up & away I spent the duration of our two hour flight editing dive videos from Bohol & Evan did a bit more work for his other job. Other than the small British child whaling & kicking the ever loving hell out of my seat, the flight was fairly painless.

We arrived in New York around 9:30 PM. We made our way through the terminal, gathered our baggage, & hopped aboard the Q70+ bus, a free transfer, headed into Astoria. From Astoria we popped onto the Manhattan Bound E train. Once we were at 34th, in the Garment District, we got off & walked the remaining distance to our friend Anne’s apartment. I met Anne through a start-up she began years ago called “Steereo” & though that business fell through Anne has continued chugging along in the start-up space with her current venture Dose.fm. During the Steereo days Anne & I ended up getting fairly close & I used to see her often when she was living in LA. We were greeted with an infectious smile, a glass of wine, puppies, & an ushering to the room we’d be sleeping in. After a brief life catch up Anne informed us that she’d ordered a few slices of pizza from Artichoke Basille’s Pizza for delivery & we set about to grab a few bottles of wine before the shops closed at 11.

Barely making it into the store before they closed I snagged two of my go to basic bottles of red wine that seem to be crowd pleasers at a decent value; A to Z Pinot Noir & Louis Jadot Beaujolais. Both are lighter reds that aren’t too tannic & still are somewhat fruit forward.

The pizza came right after we returned & we all three split the three massive slices she had ordered; the Artichoke, Margarita, & Staten Island.

After about an hour of wining & conversing we decided it was time to call it a day & off we went to bed.

Photo Credit: Evan Michael

End Of Day One


Day Two


I awoke to it being my birthday! No longer was I in my 31st year, now we were on to 32! Be sure to wish me happy belated in the comments & share your most prized picture of me to your social media feeds…Please don’t do that haha.

We slept in a bit. After showering & dressing we bid Anne goodbye for the day & out the door we went to some birthday day exploring of the city.

Our first stop had to be coffee. As someone who was born in Portland, Oregon, my need to venture into any Stumptown Coffee overrides any trendy or top rated coffee shop simply out of familiarity. Call me basic if you’d like, I will forever be a Stumptown loyalist. The closest one to us was in-between Koreatown & Flatiron & is located inside the Ace Hotel. I got some sort of Iced Strawberry Espresso drink & Evan went basic with his Iced Vanilla Latte which honestly is hard to beat. With caffeine acquired & the day turning into something truly lovely we went off in search of some sustenance.

Pistachio Passionfruit Roll

Pastries & Coffee

I’m going to make another choice here that I think a lot of New Yorkers would probably find basic &/or a little touristy but it’s been a staple of mine for a while in the city & I desperately miss having them available in LA when I visit. We stopped off at the Dominique Ansel Workshop just down the street in Flatiron for some pastries. I got a Pistachio Passionfruit Roll; croissant with passionfruit filling & pistachio icing, & Evan got another of his standard orders, a Pan Au Chocolate. We munched down our pastries & finished off our coffee at their standing tables that overlook their bakery before we hopped the train to go uptown.

I don’t know if this is something that I often broadcast. I definitely know it isn’t something I share often here, but just after COVID I got very into Mineral & Crystal collecting. Apparently it’s something I’ve done since I was a kid as a few times ago when I was home I discovered a box of affects from my childhood filled with different stones I’d found, naturally most of them being a variant of quartz. However, since I’d rekindled this fascination & developed a deeper appreciation for the formations of the earth, I hadn’t had the chance to revisit the American Museum of Natural History & explore their mineralogical exhibit otherwise known as the Mignone Halls of Gems & Minerals.

Main Hall of the American Museum of Natural History

While we were in line to get tickets for the museum I began looking at matinee seats for Sweeney Todd the following day. I had them pulled up, was debating which ones with Evan, picked a set, had them in my cart to check out when I got an airdrop notification from Evan. It was a picture of the tickets that he had bought once we’d been confirmed to come for my birthday & they were almost the exact seats I was looking at; Dead center of the Orchestra section, Row N. I was overjoyed!

With added excitement to a trip I was already excited to be on, we bought our admission & made our way downstairs to where the gem exhibit lives.

Blue Whale

In addition to the gem exhibit I also like to stop into the Hall of Ocean Life on not just to glimpse the sheer size of their big ole Blue Whale that they have suspended above the exhibit hall. It’s truly astounding.

After walking through the ocean exhibit we headed towards the minerals, stopping on our way through the Hall of Human Origins where there was a fascinating interactive display showing what specific environmental conditions caused what specific genetic mutations in humans, where those mutations originated on the planet, & where they can be found on the human genome.

After that came the Hall of Meteorites where I was shocked to find a large quantity of meteorites from my home state of Kansas. Additionally, they also had a massive Moldavite, about the size of a small fist. I added it to my mental list of things I would pillage from the museum if ever given the ethical chance…we all have the mental list, don’t act like you don’t!

Azurite/Malachite

We finally arrived at the main event, the Gem & Mineral Halls. The halls feature gems & mineral specimens from around the world & when you walk in you’re greeted by two massive back to back Amethyst Geodes. I think Evan & I spent around two hours wandering the halls. We went to each & every case appreciating & remarking at the different crystals & rocks there within. What was interesting to me, & what will be a bit of a ‘hair toss’ here, is that some of the pieces in the museum I felt I may have better specimens of at home. That’s not to say the vast majority didn’t blow anything I own out of the water.

Chrysoberyl

Alexandrite

Another two items that I added to my mental personal collection were the two Chrysoberyls. One was the traditional yellow-green & was the size of a clementine, the other was an Alexandrite. As one of the rarest gemstones in the world & a personal favorite of mine, Alexandrite possesses the unique ability to change colors based on the type of light it is being exposed to. It either appears anywhere from blue-green to reddish-purple. This is because the crystal lattice structure refracts different wavelengths of light differently within the stone. There are several at the museum, but my favorite was one of the smaller ones that happened to have an almost complete cyclic trilling, which gives the stone almost like a snowflake appearance.

While we were in the exhibit my dear old friend, Morgan Turner PhD, send me a message asking if her exhibit was on display. Not knowing she had a potential exhibit in the museum I asked her to expound more. She informed me that she’d done a video installation for the museum a few years prior using her discoveries around dinosaur footprints & their walking patterns though she wasn’t sure the video had ever actually been installed. When I tell you Evan & I spent an hour walking around the different halls of dinosaurs on the fifth floor, I mean it. Morgan even went as far as emailing the director of the museum to see where the installation was. Unfortunately she didn’t get a response til after we’d left. Oh darn, guess I’m going to have to go back again just to see it.

Photo Credit: Evan Michael

Central Park

Our next stop was more caffeine. Our coffee obsessed friend Dan had tipped us off to the fact that WatchHouse, a UK based coffee shop that you can find previously mentioned in one of my London blogs, had opened their first location in the US in Midtown. We took a lovely midday stroll through Central Park to get there. The walk took us around 30 minutes but the weather was so perfect that is was entirely worth it!

Upon arrival at WatchHouse I ordered a Flat White with an Asparagus & Leek Danish & Evan got their Cold Brew which was served in the coolest Kinto glass that looked like it was a plastic cup.

WatchHouse

Feeling renewed & with evening approaching, we decided to head back to Anne’s to lounge about for a bit, shower, & prepare for our dinner reservation.

Bread Basket at Hav & Mar

For my birthday dinner I had booked us a spot at Hav & Mar. A James Beard Award finalist this year, Hav & Mar is an Ethiopian inspired Seafood restaurant from restauranteur & chef Marcus Samuelsson located in Chelsea. The menu isn’t overly Ethiopian, though its presence is definitely still felt! Evan & I tend to go family style at most meals we venture off to & this one was no different.

We started our evening with a celebratory cocktail, the Seashore Spritz which featured Mallorca Melon, Black Tea, Apple, & Celery along with Prosecco, it was a lovely light imbibement. We kind of then played the rest of the menu by ear having asked several different staff members what to get upon arrival. The first thing we ordered was the Hav Bread Basket which came with Injera Crisps, Teff Biscuits, Blue Cornbread, Shiro Hummus, Honey Butter, & Tomato Jam. We picked our way through them, trying each combination of bread with each of the spreads.

Scallops at Hav & Mar

Next up came small plates.

We ordered Hamachi with Black Ceviche, Cippolini Onions, Grammy Smith Apples, & Fennel. the Spring Salad with Baby Romaine, Red Endive, Fava Beans, Ayib, & Spiced Pepitas, & probably some of the best Brown Butter Scallops with Spring Vegetables, Turmeric, & Pumpkin Coffee Crumble that I’ve ever had!

Havatini at Hav & Mar

We were honestly starting to get a bit full but that didn’t stop us from splitting an entree & two sides of which we ordered the Havatini which was a Bucatini with Crab, Uni Butter, Shrimp, & Ramps. It slapped! Our sides were the Hav Fries which were a combination of Yucca & Sweet Potato with Shiro Hummus & Awaze & the Farroto, a Couscous & Farro dish prepared like Risotto served with Confit Mushrooms & Ramps which was sinfully good.

And since there’s always room in the dessert stomach it too was brought to the table in the form of a Spring Tart made with Guava & Calamansi both of which are two of my favorite tropical flavors!

All & all Hav & Mar was a smash! We didn’t have anything there that was anything less than stellar & I’m truly just upset that we weren’t able to try more of the menu as it does contain quite a few items, all of which that shift seasonally.

Following dinner I made the executive decision that I wanted to go clear across town to the Lower East Side & visit a bar called ‘Double Chicken Please.’

Double Chicken Please is a front bar with a backroom speakeasy that is currently sitting pretty at the #2 slot on the World’s 50 Best Bars list! The front room bar features draft cocktails & the back bar, or ‘The Coop’s’ menu is more made to order. Both share a food menu of mostly chicken sandwiches.

The Coop at Double Chicken Please

When we arrived they were on a bit of a wait, but my superpower always prevails & we were told “well, we have a reservation arriving in 30 minutes, but if you’d like their table for just a drink or two we can arrange that.” So that’s exactly what we did.

All of the drinks in The Coop are modeled after food. I got the Mango Sticky Rice with was Bacardi Reserva Ocho Rum, Mango, Sticky Rice Pu’er Tea (I actually have this at home), Wakame, Cold Brew, & Coconut. Evan, on the other hand, went the savory route & got the Japanese Cold Noodles which was Bacardi Superior Rum, Pineapple, Cucumber, Coconut, Lime, & Sesame Oil & it definitely was more on the savory side which was really interesting to have in a drink. Both drinks were immaculate, though I’m glad that I ordered what I did.

We finished up right around the time our friends Holden & Erina finished up the movie they had gone to. They reached out to see if we wanted to grab a drink somewhere. With us in the Lower East Side & them up by Midtown I suggested we meet in the middle around Flatiron at a bar that was recommended to me by Joshua Gleave called Patent Pending.

Patent Pending is a speakeasy located at the base of the building where Nikola Tesla conducted many of his experiments on radio waves & there-in lies the theme. The whole bar is themed around early electricity & the life & journals of the late, great Nikola Tesla. The drinks are also served with a bit of flare! All in all we ended up staying way longer than we were supposed to & each ended up with about three to four drinks over the span of two plus hours. So in all honesty, even looking at the menu, I can’t really remember what I ordered though I know I stuck to rum most of the night.

What I do remember is that the drinks were very well crafted & balanced. One of mine even came with bananas that were brûléed tableside! I would recommend it for the experience alone!

Anne’s Poor Window

At around midnight we said goodbye to our friends & headed back west towards the Garment District.

We tried to be quiet getting back into Anne’s but I think we didn’t do so great of a job as Evan broke the blinds for our room trying to close them for the night. He literally twisted the pitch knob on them & they completely disconnected from the top of the sill & just hung slack, still attached on one side.

All in all, it was an excellent birthday & a very fun day filled with amazing people & places!

Ceiling of the American Museum of Natural History

End Of Day Two


Day Three


Another day of lightly sleeping in. I’m not going to lie to you all, I woke up hungover as sin. Ever since around the age of 29, hangovers have really hit me like a tone of bricks & just tend to get worse & worse as the years go on & as my body becomes less suited to my BS & the poison I occasionally in take.

Evan & I had a late morning coffee date set up with a friend in Brooklyn, so after climbing the morning mountain that was getting out of bed, we headed off across the East River with electrolyte drinks in hand.

Coffee in Brooklyn was at a Columbian shop called Devoción. When I say it was a Columbian coffee shop, I mean it, that’s what they specialize in, all things Columbian Coffee!! Evan & I waited, not too long, for our friend to arrive at which point we each got a Pistachio Milk Cortado & our respective morning pastries. I went with the Guava Croissant, Evan his staple of Pain Au Chocolate.

We sat there for a good hour & a half/two hours talking about the past, photography, musical theater, the macabre, parents, trauma, dreams, life, & relationships. It was a lovely rekindling as well as a much needed venting session for the three of us regarding shared experiences & people. Nothing was said that wouldn’t be said to anyone in questions face, nor was any of it things that hadn’t been said or happened. It was a healthy & honest dive into a shared commonality.

Feeling a bit famished & having the void remain despite coffee & pastries, Evan & I bid our friend a loving & fond ‘adieu’ & made our way back to the island.

Lunch was at a restaurant in NoHo called Fish Cheeks. We had met the owners of the establishment, Jenn Saesue & Jesse Morav, back in 2021 at a dinner with music industry friends in Nashville & had been meaning to make the trek out to their establishment. We finally did!

Somtum Corn Salad at Fish Cheeks

Fish Cheeks is an awesome Thai restaurant located right off of Bond Street. Their menu isn’t necessarily what I would call familiar to those who divulge in their local Thai restaurants, but the items on the list still very much maintain their Thai authenticity while naturally having their own twists & turns. As per usual, Evan & I ordered a bunch of things to split & made our way through them as they came.

The first two things that we ordered were the Zabb Wings & the Somtum Corn Salad. Somtum is typically a Papaya salad, though this one had Cweet Corn as its replacement. The dish was very savory with a slight sweetness from the Corn & a prick of heat from the Birdeye Chilis as well as a very nice mouth feel & a springy crunch from the Green Beans. The wings had outstanding flavor with a dry rub of Chili & Makrut Lime Leaf. I’m typically not one to go in for dry rub wings as they can get a little ‘dusty’ but the flavor made up for any potential hesitancies ten fold.

Coconut Crab Curry at Fish Cheeks

Between courses I ordered a cocktail they had as a special for Songkran (Thai New Year) in hopes for a little hair of the dog, but I found myself, at no fault to the cocktail itself, incapable of drinking it without feeling queasy. The drink, called the Little Cha, was a Thai Spiced Rum, Thai Tea, Plum Sugar, Makrut Leaf, & Lime twist on an Old Fashioned & I truly wish my pesky handover had let me enjoy it.

Kaprow at Fish Cheeks

For our main course we ordered the Coconut Crab Curry & the 30 Day Dry Aged Beef Kaprow both of which were outstanding! We had been warned that the crab curry was spicy, though we were also informed that the rice would help balance it out. She was warm to say the least but the flavors there in made me keep coming back, despite my mouth being aflame. I’m typically someone who does fine with spice as well, but this was a whole new level. If your tolerance is high & you have the chance I can’t recommend it enough, it’s just not for the faint of heart. The Kaprow was also a delight! The Aging, the Duck, the Veggies all made just a perfectly rounded dish!

With mouths still lit, we decided that Ice Cream was needed, fortunately they had some on their menu! Dessert was a Pandan Jackfruit Ice Cream served atop Sticky Rice. I am a huge fan of both of those flavors, both of which I also feel are criminally underrated in the US palette. (See last week’s blog from the Philippines where I scoured a market for a fresh Jackfruit.) Pandan almost has a bright peanut-y flavor to it that leans a little more on the ‘green’ side than the legume itself & Jackfruit tastes like a combination of all the popular tropical fruits: pineapple, banana, mango, & coconut.

After lunch we popped around a few of the shops in the NoHo area, doing our best to avoid the scattered drizzle that was falling here & there, before we decided to make our way back to Anne’s.

We sat around conversing with her for a bit before it was time to get ready for the main event!

Sweeney Todd Playbill

Sweeney Todd was at the Lunt-Fontanne Theatre, which was just a short walk from where we were staying. The revival of the show originally had Josh Groban in the titular role with Annaleigh Ashford as Mrs. Lovett, & Gaten Matarazzo as Tobias Ragg but had since switched to having Aaron Tveit, Sutton Foster, & Joe Locke in each of those respective roles. Having been one of my favorite shows for a very long time, I have seen many a production of Sweeney Todd but truly this one blew all of the others I had seen out of the water!

Aaron, despite being mostly a Tenor in a Baritone role, actually nailed the part. Each of the actors brought their own unique takes to the roles in question, he was no exception. Aaron’s Sweeney was charismatic, often almost bipolar, but definitely personified the ‘wolf in sheep’s clothing’ motif perfectly.

Sutton stole the show in every scene she was in giving a portrayal of Mrs Lovett that I can only describe as fangirl-ish. She let her character’s obsession with Todd take main stage & her willingness to do anything, as long as it got her closer to him, became all the more believable because of it. Prone to body humor, Sutton was often draped over Aaron going so far at one point during “A Little Priest” as to have a one sided sloppy make out with the side of Aaron’s cheek.

Joe Locke surprised me! I’d only known him from the Netflix’s adaptation of Heartstopper, the boy has got pipes!

The two other stand out cast members were John Rapson’s Beadle Bamford & Nicholas Christopher’s Adolfo Pirelli. Both of whom played their respective roles with different levels & styles of flamboyance & arrogance that made two characters, especially in the sense of the Beadle, bounce off the stage.

Truly the revival & the choices made by both cast & crew were masterful & really gave the almost 50 year old musical a fresh coat of paint & a new & interesting edge. I’ve done my best to try & get all of my friends who I think would like it or could possibly have the opportunity to, to go & see it before it closes next week.

After the show we went in search of food. Unfortunately, since it was a week day, a lot of the places we tried were closed. Alternately, a lot of the other places we tried were full to the gills with people who had just done the same as us & gotten out of the various shows dotting Midtown Manhattan. We eventually settled on a random 99 Cent Corner Pizza shop where we each got three slices which we took back to the place to eat.

Photo Credit: Evan Michael

End Of Day Three


Day Four


Out last day in New York was a bit of a light one. Truly I was still a touch hungover from two nights prior, yes that’s how bad it gets, & we had decided we kinda just wanted to putz around the city for the day.

We did wake up fairly late & were planning to return to WatchHouse for a coffee. However, we decided that food needed to come first.

Wanting to land somewhere around WatchHouse, which is in Midtown, I pulled a restaurant from my handy dandy ‘travel list’ in my notes app which landed us at Jōji Box by Grand Central Terminal.

Jōji Box is the light version of the sushi restaurant Jōji. Jōji is an Omakase (a Japanese phrase essentially meaning “I leave it up to you”) with a Michelin star, where a seating ranges from $300-450. The Box is their more casual friendly take away option.

We had some trouble finding the restaurant that actually turned out to be more of a kiosk tucked in the basement level under the One Vanderbilt building, across from the underground entrance to Grand Central.

Omakase Box from Jōji Box

I ordered the Omakase box & Evan got the Jōji Box 1. Upon ordering we were informed they had opened only 15 minutes prior & were already almost out of boxes, but that the boxes were restocked every two hours until closing.

We took our boxed lunches down to the dining pavilion of Grand Central where we stood & munched down of the chef’s selection for the day.

To be honest, there were several things in my box that I had no idea of. Lots of different varietals of Tuna, two cuts of Salmon, a Toro Roll, a Snowcrab Roll, Bream, & Scallop but there were two items in the box that I had never actually had before in Nigiri form; Uni (Sea Urchin) & Salmon Roe.

The Uni & Roe were both sweeter than expected with the former having more of a briny finish. The Roe had a fun texture to it & I genuinely enjoyed them both, though I think I’ll stick to Uni as a mix in for other dishes for now.

Post sushi we wrapped around the corner of the concourse & got a staple of a New York City dessert, Magnolia Bakery Banana Pudding.

WatchHouse Rarities Tray

Post sushi & pudding it was coffee time. We walked our way from Grand Central over to WatchHouse where the cafe was actually fairly busy. Managing to snag a table Evan ordered a Flat White & I got one of their rarities, of which they were out of the last time we were there. WatchHouse has a collection of “rare” single origin beans from all over the world. The coffee is chemex brewed & served in a carafe with an empty glass & a glass of cold juniper tea that you are to use as a palette cleanser before you begin to drink the coffee. Each coffee also comes with a QR code which when scanned takes you to a page with all of the information surrounding the specific coffee that you’ve chosen. Mine was Deiro Garcia, also known as Finca Lord Voldamort. I’ll link its page here.

Post coffee we did a little bit of bobbing around. Our evening flight wasn’t until around 9 PM so we had plenty of time to kill. We ended up at several different shops before heading down to Flatiron to grab a LeVain Cookie.

LeVain Black & White Cookie

Photo Credit: Evan Michael

LeVain Bakery is a stable of the New York dessert world offering not only their famous cookies, but also breads & other baked goods. The also ship their dough nationwide if that’s something you’re interested in!

When we got there there was a line of about 20 people but with three registers open & people filling orders seperate of the cashiers it moved quickly. I think it took 5 minutes tops for us to get in & leave cookies in hand. I got a Black & White Cookie which is exclusive to the Flatiron store or online. It was Chocolate Dough with White Chocolate & Dark Chocolate Chips, & it smacked! Evan got a traditional Chocolate Chip, which was amazing & blew some other famous one named cookie store’s Chocolate Chip out of the water…not naming names here.

Photo Credit: Evan Michael

While at LeVain we noticed that we weren’t too far from the World of Harry Potter Store & since we had time to burn, we walked on over to check it out.

We perused all of the character wands, looked at uniforms & cloaks, picked through the interesting memorabilia, & finally ended our visit to the rather impressively large shop with a glass of Butterbeer, which comes in a collectable cup they let you wash & keep with you.

Feeling satisfied with the trip & our accomplishments this time around in New York we headed back to the Garment District to begin packing & preparing to depart that evening. We had another few glasses of wine with Anne & chatted about before we grabbed all of our belongings & made the reversed trip to the airport as that listed above.

Photo Credit: Evan Michael

End Of Day Four


Photo Credit: Evan Michael

End Of Blog!!!