First off, a bit of housekeeping.
So after a vote a few weeks ago, y’all, the fans, voted that you would like for me to do a blog. So here I am. I know technically “On Manchester” was my first official blog post but this will be the first that I’m consciously sitting down to write as a “blog post.” I struggled quite a bit around determining the framework that I want this blog to operate around; how often I want to write it, what I want to write about, etc. Then once I decided I wanted it to be weekly I struggled with the notion of coming up with new material weekly that felt genuine & wasn’t just a status update. So I haven’t written anything. Since “On Manchester” & deciding to do a blog I haven’t written anything. And my reasoning for being MIA is simply because I don’t know what to write about. Until tonight. Now I’m warning you here I want to talk about the anxiety attacks I’ve been having lately. My intention in doing so is not to gossip or seem petty or seem sympathetic. I am simply here to air somethings out & let you all know what is going on in my brain. So, without further ado.
The last few weeks I’ve been laying in one of two beds. The first bed I lay down in & immediately fall asleep only to be awakened several hours later by anxiety overload. The second of my insomnia beds forgoes the early hours of sleep & instead gives me the anxiety attack while I’m peacefully trying to unwind & drift into dream world. What is driving these attacks? Work. Plain & simple.
I don’t mean to undermine the progress that I’ve made in my music career or the people who are actively helping me advance it. To my parents, the fans, Josh (producer), Billie (manager), Johanna (Publicist), & anyone else who has taken the time/the money to advance my career because you believe in me, thank you. Please keep being amazing & believing in the dream. Without you all I’d be nowhere & I’d be nothing.
I guess my problem is that I feel stagnant. I feel stuck in one place without a clue how to get out. I know what I want & where I want to be, I just don’t know how to get there. I go through my weeks not knowing what needs to be done to move forward & therefore not doing them. I’ve begun to fall into this terrible cycle of comparing myself to my peers, something an artist should never do, & at times I’m envious of their progress while at the same time being incredibly proud of each & every one of them. I love the music I create, I love the fans I have, & the people who lift my up within this crazy industry but I don’t know how to make a living at it. I don’t know how to elevate myself from where I am now to where I want to be. It doesn’t help that the music industry can be incredibly discouraging at times. 10,000 no’s with very little yes’s starts to get to you over time, and yet I still love what I do, I still want to be doing what I’m doing. It’s even more frustrating when those you thought would help elevate you turn their backs on you, or treat you like you’re less than them just because they’re farther along. I find myself more & more turning to social media outlets in search of you all, the fans. You’ll never know how much your support means to me & breathes life into what I’m doing. You are the affirmation that what I am doing is good & worthwhile & means something to someone other than myself or those close to me. So I cannot thank you enough on that front.
I guess I just need to come up with a plan of action, something I can do every single day that let’s me know I’m doing something, that I’m making progress, I just don’t know where to start. And that’s what’s causing the anxiety; I am looking up the side of a mountain with no idea where to place my footing. I don’t know which route to climb that’ll lead me to the top & that frustrates me. I think I’m going the right way for so long then I find myself upside down or back exactly where I started but I endure, I forage onward towards the next great obstacle I’m sure to encounter.
I didn’t mean for this to be a bitch-fest, I apologize if it came across as one & I apologize if anyone was offended by what I had to say, it wasn’t my intent. I simply need to air my frustrations & let y’all into my head for a minute as I sit here in the dark full anxiety attack in swing. I know never to act upon emotion but I have been trying to whittle down what I want to write about the last few days & this felt appropriate. I think I’ll let you all decide on future blog posts. Send me to topics you want me to write on & those that strike a chord with me, I’ll write on! Have a great day/night, depending upon when you’re reading this, & know how much I appreciate each & every one of you!
-C