I feel that a lot of people are excited about turning 30; they’ve worked through the clunky bits of life, figured out who they are & what their interests are & they are ready to openly embrace the next stage of adulthood & officially wave goodbye to, what most seem to consider anyway, adolescence. I however do not share in that exuberance, I am not looking forward to turning 30, or at least I wasn’t.
Excitement for your 30s often stems from feeling fulfilled in the aspects of your 20s that you wanted to make happen. You achieved the goals & dreams you’d set for yourself & now its time for those aspirations to mature along side of you. I however, do not feel I’ve met the aspired goal of my 20s & that makes me, in all honesty, fearful. I work in an industry that can be very vain a lot of the time, it strives to make stars out of the adolescent because, let’s face it, who goes to concerts & actively listens to current music? The adolescent.
I remember being at a meeting when I was 27 at a major agency in Nashville where someone said something to the effect of “oh, you’ve still got a few more years where you can make it” in response to learning my age at the time. That is a sentiment that has been peekabooing in & out of my brain more & more as my 30th birthday rapidly approaches.
If I’m being completely honest I’m not nearly as far along career wise as I’d hoped I’d be at this point. I always figured I’d be two albums deep at a major label with a global tour by 30, signed to a major publishing company but I guess the saying is true; man makes plans & God laughs.
I also suffer horribly from the plaque of comparison, it often steals my joy & if you read these blogs often you’ll know I touch on that frequently. It is a battle I am constantly losing that I think to some large degree stifles my creativity. It causes me to put immense pressure on myself to “write the next great thing that’ll go viral” or “create something entirely unique that becomes the next big thing.” To create any “art” that is over-the-top, commercially viable BS, instead of the inner working of my heart & mind. You know, the thing that actually makes you an interesting artist.
Lately it seems that the almighty above or the universe itself recognize this state of panic & have done everything in their power to present me with media that seeks to placate my nerves.
Last night I had the pleasure of watching Lin-Manuel Miranda’s screen adaptation of “tick, tick…BOOM!” staring Andrew Garfield, a show I hadn’t seen since I was in high school. The musical, which is autobiographical in nature, centers around musical writer Jonathan Larson as he strives to strike gold in the musical theater world. Often the thief of Larson’s joy, comparison plays a bit part in the show itself as he too panics with the thought of turning 30 with nothing to show for his artistic efforts. He even goes as far as citing the fact that at this point in their lives McCartney had already written his last song with Lennon & Sondheim (RIP) had already premiered Sunday In The Park With George. While the musical that the show is about doesn’t make it to Broadway his next effort, “tick, tick…BOOM!” had slight success but it wasn’t until he was 35 that he wrote one of the most impactful pieces of musical theater in history, RENT.
Likewise, another bit of media that landed in my lap was Tabitha Brown’s “Feeding The Soul (Because It’s My Business).” If you don’t know who Tabitha Brown is, she’s a sweet soul that rose to prevalence over Tik Tok who has fought her whole life to be an actor & now is signed with one of the largest talent agencies in the world & is currently working on two of her own shows! Tabitha is 42 by the way & didn’t get “discovered” til she was 40.
Example after example after example has fallen into my field of consciousness to the point where I think I finally get the message, I actually think it’s going to stick that age is just a number, we all bloom & thrive in our own time & that timing is divine. Sometimes there are lessons you need to learn about yourself, the world, or those around you before you can soar. Sometimes you don’t realize what you truly want until you’ve been through the trial & error of seeing what you don’t want. Either way, I’m done being afraid of my 30th birthday. I’m done thinking it has some baring on what my level of success can be & who will be interested in what I have to say. I’m going to keep being me & pushing onward, come 30 or high water.
Keep your chin up & have a marvelous weekend.
Much love to you all!
-C