I want to frame this blog around the expansion of something that I touched on in my morning pep talk this morning. If you’re not a follower of mine on Instagram first off:
Second, for those unaware, when I work my morning job I do a “Morning Pep Talk” in which I encourage a productive day, week, season, etc & also occasionally offer a daily challenge or advice. Today I briefly spoke on expectations, specifically when it comes to home for the holidays. I want to start this blog off with one of my favorite exerts from one of my favorite poets/philosophers Kahlil Gibran. This is an exert from The Prophet titled “On Children.”
“And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.”
I’ve had many conversations over the last week from friends seeking advice specifically in this regard. It’s actually been a bit shocking the through line that I’m being presented with. In part I’m flattered that my friends think they can come to me about these things but it also saddens me that peoples’ families make them feel this way. Don’t think I’ll be pulling many punches here, you’ve been warned.
I want to talk specifically about a few different things here. The first being directed at those who are children of divorce or those who live far away from their families. Do not. I repeat, DO NOT allow your family to guilt trip you. You are not the constantly fluctuating treaty line your separated parents get to change their mind on where exactly it stands. You are not a malleable bridge responsible for bridging their gap. You are a human being, your parents problems are not your own. If you are on good terms with both of your parents and are making an effort to see them over the holidays that should be enough. Your effort & follow through should be enough. You do not owe them a specific amount of time, you do not owe them upholding to any plan that causes you to bend over backwards & compromise who you are. The holidays are stressful enough without all of that. Your parents shouldn’t make you feel like dirt to try & guilt you into spending time with them, that’s manipulation.
The same goes for people returning home for the holidays. Make time for your family, if that’s what you’re there to do, but again, don’t let them guilt trip you. Nothing makes people want to skip town on the next bus out faster than being told they don’t spend enough time with someone else, or they didn’t make enough of an effort. You made the effort & showed up. The holidays should be enjoyable for all; people should strive towards making their family & friends feel welcome. If you’re the family member of someone from out of town you need to understand that you aren’t the only people that raised them. If they want to make time to spend with friends or those you deem other, that’s their choice to make. Time is one of our most precious commodities, trust them enough to believe that they are using their limited time home in a manner that is not only fulfilling but also valuable to them. You do not own them or their time, therefore the time they have freed up to spend with you should be seen as a gift & not taken advantage of, nor should it be something to feel glutinous about. Your guilt trip is nothing more than externalized greed, be satisfied with what you have.
For those going home whose home no longer feels homie, I challenge you to stand firm in the conviction of who you are. Whether your family doesn’t value you as a person or what you value, you are no less of a human being because of it. I’m not saying to go home & pick fights; we should always start from a place of kindness but the moment someone tries to diminish you or change who you are they have shown that they lack respect for the human being. We are all different, these differences should be celebrated, isn’t that what part of the beauty of the holidays, people from all walks of life coming together to share their time & stories? Isn’t that the point of family? Shouldn’t it be that unbreakable support system that sees you for who you are & loves you unconditionally? Shouldn’t you be able to be your fullest self around them? If that’s not the case for you maybe it’s time to change who you call family.
I know all that I’ve said here is a bit of a downer but I truly don’t mean it to be, I’m simply offering my advice. And it’s just that. Advice. The beautiful thing about it is that you can take it or leave it. We struggle our whole lives to understand who we are. We make so many steps towards understanding & striving towards being the best versions of yourself, why would you ever want to sacrifice that just so someone else can continue to use you or continue to make you feel lousy or continue to believe a lie they’ve self perpetuated. You came through your family, you are not them, though you belong to them, they do not own you. I hope you have the happiest of holidays. May the rest of your December be merry & bright!