Blog: It's Giving...Gifts

Early this week I stumbled upon a post that talked about the anthropology behind gift giving & how we each have our own set of expectations & traditions that go along with them. The post was weighing the merits of whether or not children should all sit around watching the birthday child at a party open the gifts they’ve received from their friends or not. Apparently, a lot of modern parents are stowing the gifts away until the termination of the party, having the child open them up once all of the other kids have left, & then going through later or the next day & thanking people for the specific gift interpersonally instead of publicly. This allows kids & parents to not feel a specific pressure to match the assumed gifts that other children will give, it also allows each gift giver to feel they’ve contributed something without knowing whether or not they’ve been “one upped.” This then opened up a further dialogue about gift giving & the social contracts there in which then led me to want to share my two cents regarding this season we’re now in in which so many of us are buying & exchanging gifts with one another.

Another thing that the poster in question mentioned, of whose name I wish I could remember so that I could credit them for the points being discussed in these few paragraphs, is the idea the it is not actually the thought that counts where gift giving is concerned & I honestly couldn’t agree more. You see, I am someone who gives gifts not just to give them, but because I feel on some level, they represent how invested we are in the lives of those with whom we dote upon. Your gifts, in my mind, should come from a place of understanding who the recipient is, what they like, how they feel about certain things, what their interests are, etc. & should also have love & understanding behind them. A hollow gift is simply that, a hollow gesture with no meaning & no feeling behind it & if I’m the recipient in question, often times, I’d rather you just not get me anything at all.

To some of you that may sound ungrateful, it may sound privileged or cold, but I never said that the gift in question had to be something expensive or that required buckets of time, I simply think that if you give someone a gift it should be from a place of love & understanding that shows “I value you as a human being & a companion & this item or act made me think of you.” In my experience, hollow gifts end up either being returned, thrown away, given away, or hidden away because as Marie Condo would say “they don’t spark joy.”

Now does every gift have to be the most thoughtful, considerate thing on the planet? No, but going the little extra mile to show someone you listen to them & place stock in your relationship by valuing the things that make them unique, does go a long way farther, in most cases, to just buying them the thing they asked for or the thing they need.

Not everyone is the greatest of gift givers, I understand that, & if you yourself struggle with these things that’s why lists are made. If your idea is to gift something cheap (we’re not talking financially cheap), something you think would be a huge risk on whether or not they’d like it, or something non-specific that falls most often into the ‘interests’ category of the person (think just random merchandise from a franchise or random items that are branded to be representative of a part of a person’s individual expression) then I say stick to the list. It’s there for a reason & while you probably won’t end up being the top of the list for things received, they will at least still love & appreciate the gift in question.

Naturally all of this is entirely subjective & you may disagree with me on all fronts, but a someone who frequently gets called one of the greatest gift givers out there *toss toss, I feel I have a handle on the art involved here that will help you all to step things up for your loved ones this holiday season. Nothing needs to be bought, if you feel you can make something heartwarming from the things you have at home that still expresses an understanding towards an individual, by all means, go for it! Think “oh, I know you love bananas foster so I made you bananas foster cookies” or “I know you’ve been looking for some art pieces to have around the house that are expressive of your interests AND of who you are as a person AND your personal sense of style, so I made you this.” Homemade gifts are often the best kind.

I hope this sheds a little light for those of you out there wracking your brains for gifts this year, just think of the person & the things that make them unique, especially if they’re the things that you love about them, & riff off of that! You’ve got this, I believe in you!

As always, much love,

-C

Blog: If Jesus Is The Reason For The Season, Then Why Does It Feel So Cold?

Back in June I was inspired to write a blog call “No Hate Like Christian Love.” At the time I was hesitant to put out the blog simply because I have people near & dear to me that I thought would disapprove of scoff at the blog simply because of what I chose to title it. I was wrong. In fact, to this day, exactly seven months later, it still remains the most popular blog of mine that I have ever written averaging anywhere from 100-200 individual monthly readers. It’s the blog I’ve received the most feedback on as well, all of which has been set to the tune of agreement. These, for the most part, are people who have been burned or ostracized by the church & it breaks my heart to see the commonality that so many of them share.

When I sat down to write today my brain just kept drifting back to that blog & it got me thinking, have things improved since June, when I wrote & posted it, or are things the same or worse then they were then from the standpoint of Christians using their beliefs as a “moral’ superiority? Sadly, I think the answer is the latter.

Over Thanksgiving I had this discussion with several people in my life who I would consider to be or have at one point or another been right smack dab in the middle of the church Christian lifestyle. This group included my parents; life long church goers & believers who lead the worship team at their small American Baptist Church, my dear friend David; a “missions” worker around the world & lover of Jesus (I put missions in quotes simply because what he does, to me, doesn’t constitute classification under the same blanket as the traditional colonist mentality & practice of missions work), & Evan; a former worship leader & attendee of bible college. Naturally I was also a part of this group, not just the silent observer.

Our discussion began around the subject of Christmas & my often outright disdain for the holiday. I think for a lot of us, especially in my generation & younger, Christmas is not the shining beacon of hope & joy that it is for those living in the older generations. In addition, we, generationally, have more access to the global network of information & have seen behind the curtain where Christmas & its outright stolen traditions are concerned. We don’t buy into the commercialism of the holiday, partially because a lot of us can’t afford to, & thus it becomes one of the most stressful times of the year for us all. However, my mother offered the argument that at the end of the day, what we are celebrating, as christians, is the birth of Christ. The “reason for the season” & all that.

I’m not sure how we circled back to the whole “no hate like christian love thing” but I believe it stemmed from one of my parents asking why I no longer attend church if I, as I say, consider myself a believer. From there entered David, a literal missionary who refuses to find a church to call his “home.” We talked about how the church is driving people away in droves & trying desperately to blame it on the media, or the LGBTQIA+ population, or schools, or drag story time, but is refusing outright to look inward & see itself as the root cause.

We came back to how “young people just don’t want to believe” & I offered the argument of what is being missed. You see, much like I mentioned in NHLCL (No Hate Like Christian Love), we read the book, we were taught about Jesus. We attended the Sunday schools & the church services & the vacation bible school, but when we got to an age where critical thinking came into play, where identity started to form, we looked around at the “brood of vipers” (Matt 12:34) & saw not a scrape of the unconditional love of Christ. We saw people who claimed to love us as we are outwardly belittle & damn the very people that we are or the people that we love & said “enough of this, this is not what love looks like” & we left. As I said in NHLCL, as well as that evening, the problem isn’t that we weren’t taught about Jesus, the problem is that we were & we don’t see that reflected in the people or the values of the church.

I hope what I’ve said thus far hasn’t turned too many of you off. I’m sure there are many people who will read this & not even make it to this paragraph, but if we, as christians, are to overcome the stigmas wrapped around us & the church, then we have to listen & we have to apply critical thinking & we have to know our biblical history & understand when & where & why the bible was modified to fit certain political ideology & personal agendas because this is another huge thing turning people away from churches.

Did you know that christians are far more likely to believe conspiracy theories than any other religious affiliation? Did you know that the brains of those identifying as atheist have been proven to think far more analytically than those identifying as believers? Why do you think that is? As I mentioned in the previous blog, I am not here to lecture or demean, nor am I here to minimize your beliefs. I just want to pose questions that get people thinking. I want to bridge the gap between the, dare I say, secluded world of the church & the outside world. Christians, the stigma against you is that you are self absorbed, incapable of critical thought, & often downright heartless, which for a religion based supposedly all in love, doesn’t seem to align does it?

Something that I had to cope with & make peace with is the following statement:

If you need the threat of eternal damnation to evoke good behavior & kindness then it’s time to revaluate your moral standing & personal shortcomings.

We are called to love, unconditionally, to embrace humanity with open arms & without judgment WITHOUT the expectation of reward, but simply out of the kindness of your heart. That reward includes salvation.

I write all of this because I want you to see. If Jesus is truly, to you, the reason for the season, then celebrate that & celebrate that as Christ would. Christ wouldn’t yell at the cashier for saying “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas” because they don’t know which of the six holidays that happen in December you celebrate. Christ would celebrate with an outpour of love, compassion, kindness, & empathy. Not commercialism, elitism, being exclusionary, & ‘holier than thou.’

There is a reason that NHLCL remains my top viewed post. It’s because it speaks to a universal ache felt by those on the receiving end of christianity. It speaks to the religious trauma, to the family issues, to the isolation that so many feel because of those operating out of the “love of Christ.”

If Jesus is the reason for the season, then why does it feel so cold to so many people when it should be filled with warmth, joy, community, & happiness?

Happy Holidays & Much Love To You All,

-C

Blog: I'll Have A "Blue Christmas," Thank You Very Much!

If you’re like me you like the sadder things in life. I’m not talking about wallowing in grief, I simply enjoy the sadder songs, sadder movies, sadder books because they evoke a prominent feeling within me. I’m not ashamed, as a man, to admit that I rather enjoy things that make me cry, there’s something therapeutic in the release of pent up emotion throw the windows of the soul. I have always been drawn to break-up songs, to films about hardship that don’t necessarily have the happiest of endings. I find the most poignant moments of human connection & expression through art tend to be heightened in these moments.

Another side of the coin that is me is not a fan of the holidays, I’ve always found them stressful & lonely even when surrounded by those you love. The expectation is always just way too high. There’s always so much pressure around the holidays for everything to be perfect; the food, the gifts, the music, etc., all of it has to sparkle & shine with the luster of the lights we surround ourselves with in this time. It’s not for me. I think to some extent the holidays seem too manicured for my taste, we put layers of wrapping over our problems & grievances & tie our emotions all up in a bow topped with a smile. Don’t worry, I’ll get back to the point at hand that I established in the first paragraph.

If you don’t fall in line with holiday cheer you’re labeled as a Scrooge or a Grinch when in reality I think the holidays put a massive lens on the places in which we feel pain, especially where friends, family, & other relationships are concerned. It shows us that we’re not making enough money, or haven’t been successful enough in the previous months to truly dote upon those we love in the fashion that we wish we could. In short the holidays are very painful for so many of us, but we become the outcast for not falling into a jolly line.

I’ve always had a hard time with masking emotion when it comes to the holidays, I grew up in a family where things often got swept under the rug if they were considered counter to the mood or feelings of the rest of the family. Not trying to devalue my family or upbringing, it’s just a very midwestern/southern thing to do that I’m sure many of you also grew up with.

All of that being said, the music of the holidays that I tend to gravitate towards are those that many would deem “depressing.” I love the lonesome, longing, heartbroken songs that truly exemplify the emptiness of the holiday season & I found that quite a few people feel the same way.

Is this a blog designed to promote the “Holiday Blues” playlist I made? Not entirely, but partially I guess. I felt that after assembling the playlists & getting a lot of response on them that I should explain a little about why I connect with this type of music on such a deep level.

The holiday season has always appeared to me as a glaze over of our interpersonal problems as well as those facing the world. We cover the slush of winter with packages & bows & cheer ignoring the hurt, so I appreciate music that speaks to that longing for understanding & connection.

If you’re interested in my Holiday Blues playlists I’ll link them below!

Happy Holidays to you all!

I hope it’s as stress free & warm as it can be but understand there’s absolutely no pressure to feel “in the holiday spirit.”

Have a great weekend!

-C

Blog: Be Kind, Remind(er).

Tis the season once again, the holiday season & with it comes all the ingrained stress. Lines get longer, the gifts we wanted to give or the ingredients we needed to make that one special dish get more & more scarce. Tensions rise & often with it, so do tempers. We often get lost in the capitalistic frenzy of “I need, we need” that we forget about the people we interact with on the day to day basis. Having spent some time myself working in customer service space; from being a barista to driving ride share, I can personally tell you when the weather turns cold, so do the people, at least where November/December are concerned.

This blog actually came at the request of a dear friend of mine who basically wanted me to use this platform as a PSA. She works as a barista & for whatever reason people think it’s okay to treat those hand preparing a beverage for you like garbage. I know the feeling, I’ve been there. People can often make you feel dirt low simply for the dumbest of reasons. I don’t know what brings people to the point of being completely & utterly devoid of empathy but I guess that’s a question we try to answer each & every election cycle as well.

I guess the point of this PSA style blog is simply to remind you to be kind. I know for many of you that isn’t necessarily a problem, but I feel the point needs reiterating. You have to understand that the people preparing your coffee, ringing you up at the gas station, running around returning the mountains of clothes that have been tried on, restocking shelves, waiting your table, driving you home, etc. are exactly that, people. They are, as you are, flesh & bone. They have their own lives, their own desires, their own struggles, their own disappointments, & their own thoughts that are equally as valid as your own. You do not out rank them in humanity simply by being a customer.

I truly think one of the most harmful practices we as humans have engrained into the customer service space is that “the customer is always right.” The customer is most definitely not always right. Let me say that again. You, as the customer, are not always right. If you make the customer the one & only priority as an employer you completely negate & dehumanize the needs of your employees. In addition to being better people to one another in the customer exchange, I think the current state of The US in general is also emphasizing the need for employers to do better.

You don’t need to be an asshole to get your point across, if anything I’ve found that usually ends up getting you farther from your goal. If you treat people with the respect & dignity they deserve you are 1000% more likely to get what you want or need. And maybe that’s the key to my super power, maybe that’s the key to getting a reservation anywhere you go, not being an asshole about it & genuinely taking an interest in the wellbeing of the people you interact with.

This is all a long form way of saying, be kind. Tis the season of giving; thanks, gifts, love, so give kindness a shot. You may find it makes you feel better as well. To quote a dearly departed mentor of mine, Billy Block, “if you see someone without a smile, give them yours.”

Much love to you all,

-C

Blog: Home for the Holidays

I want to frame this blog around the expansion of something that I touched on in my morning pep talk this morning. If you’re not a follower of mine on Instagram first off:

Second, for those unaware, when I work my morning job I do a “Morning Pep Talk” in which I encourage a productive day, week, season, etc & also occasionally offer a daily challenge or advice. Today I briefly spoke on expectations, specifically when it comes to home for the holidays. I want to start this blog off with one of my favorite exerts from one of my favorite poets/philosophers Kahlil Gibran. This is an exert from The Prophet titled “On Children.”

“And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.”

— The Prophet: On Children, Kahlil Gibran

I’ve had many conversations over the last week from friends seeking advice specifically in this regard. It’s actually been a bit shocking the through line that I’m being presented with. In part I’m flattered that my friends think they can come to me about these things but it also saddens me that peoples’ families make them feel this way. Don’t think I’ll be pulling many punches here, you’ve been warned.

I want to talk specifically about a few different things here. The first being directed at those who are children of divorce or those who live far away from their families. Do not. I repeat, DO NOT allow your family to guilt trip you. You are not the constantly fluctuating treaty line your separated parents get to change their mind on where exactly it stands. You are not a malleable bridge responsible for bridging their gap. You are a human being, your parents problems are not your own. If you are on good terms with both of your parents and are making an effort to see them over the holidays that should be enough. Your effort & follow through should be enough. You do not owe them a specific amount of time, you do not owe them upholding to any plan that causes you to bend over backwards & compromise who you are. The holidays are stressful enough without all of that. Your parents shouldn’t make you feel like dirt to try & guilt you into spending time with them, that’s manipulation.

The same goes for people returning home for the holidays. Make time for your family, if that’s what you’re there to do, but again, don’t let them guilt trip you. Nothing makes people want to skip town on the next bus out faster than being told they don’t spend enough time with someone else, or they didn’t make enough of an effort. You made the effort & showed up. The holidays should be enjoyable for all; people should strive towards making their family & friends feel welcome. If you’re the family member of someone from out of town you need to understand that you aren’t the only people that raised them. If they want to make time to spend with friends or those you deem other, that’s their choice to make. Time is one of our most precious commodities, trust them enough to believe that they are using their limited time home in a manner that is not only fulfilling but also valuable to them. You do not own them or their time, therefore the time they have freed up to spend with you should be seen as a gift & not taken advantage of, nor should it be something to feel glutinous about. Your guilt trip is nothing more than externalized greed, be satisfied with what you have.

For those going home whose home no longer feels homie, I challenge you to stand firm in the conviction of who you are. Whether your family doesn’t value you as a person or what you value, you are no less of a human being because of it. I’m not saying to go home & pick fights; we should always start from a place of kindness but the moment someone tries to diminish you or change who you are they have shown that they lack respect for the human being. We are all different, these differences should be celebrated, isn’t that what part of the beauty of the holidays, people from all walks of life coming together to share their time & stories? Isn’t that the point of family? Shouldn’t it be that unbreakable support system that sees you for who you are & loves you unconditionally? Shouldn’t you be able to be your fullest self around them? If that’s not the case for you maybe it’s time to change who you call family.

I know all that I’ve said here is a bit of a downer but I truly don’t mean it to be, I’m simply offering my advice. And it’s just that. Advice. The beautiful thing about it is that you can take it or leave it. We struggle our whole lives to understand who we are. We make so many steps towards understanding & striving towards being the best versions of yourself, why would you ever want to sacrifice that just so someone else can continue to use you or continue to make you feel lousy or continue to believe a lie they’ve self perpetuated. You came through your family, you are not them, though you belong to them, they do not own you. I hope you have the happiest of holidays. May the rest of your December be merry & bright!