I often have a rather hard time speaking my mind or sawing when things hurt my feelings/irk me in a certain way. I’m sure anyone who has been on the receiving end of a conversation with me that starts with “…sooooo…” would probably disagree with that, especially my parents, with whom I have an extra hard time being forthright with, even into my 30s. I allow a moment, or an idea, or a feeling to fester & fester, keeping &/or waking me up at night, & permeating my brain until it all but explodes out of me. This past month, more specifically this past week, I had one of these such moments. Please bear with me as I take you on this journey, there will be a point I swear, it just needs context to be illustrated properly.
For a lot of us it’s difficult to be confrontational with our parents. It can be hard to feel like you’re disappointing them in some way or like you’re not grateful to have them & any assistance in your life that they’re willing to give, but emotional needs are still needs that needs be met.
I’m going to be honest & frank, as I often am on this page, but when I came out to my parents as bi it was far from smooth sailing, that’s not to say I’m not incredibly proud & grateful for all of the work they’ve put in at becoming more open minded, accepting humans. It’s truly a night & day difference, but it was rough there for a year or so. During that time period a lot of what was happening was what goes on in the vast majority of middle American conservative households; the expectation of business as usual or sweeping of certain issues, feelings, & problems under the rug. This is when I wrote a song called “Consequences Of My Honest” because, at the time, I felt there had been consequences of my honesty with them.
Consequences was born as one of those songs that contains a chunk of my heart, it is an open reflection of the deep pain & hurt that I felt at the time & therefore is an incredibly honest & vulnerable piece of music that I have sat on for many years. It is one of the songs that I am most proud of & a song that I consistently played out or included in pitch junkets because I thought it showcased my heart as an artist very well. It was a song I desperately wanted to put out & share with the world outside of the confines of the small rooms where it was played, but one that I felt was a betrayal to my parents to even consider recording & releasing. However, the more I played it out, the more people related to it & fell in love with it, especially in queer spaces where who we are often gets us alienated by our families or leaves us feeling like we have to fit into a mold to even be a part of them any more.
After years & years of this song floating around, haunting me, I finally sent it in a pack of songs to Jess Grommet as an option for songs to have him produce. Jess, who has played with me for years, loved it & immediately wanted to work on it, which then left me to the decision of being honest about its existence, or blind siding my family with its release. Naturally I chose the former.
Jess & I met prior to my trip out to LA for Grammy’s week two or so weeks ago. Which meant every single call with my parents following that meeting I had my heart in my throat, just waiting for the perfect timing to drop the news that I was going to do this song that I knew they weren’t going to like. Every night they’d call & every night I’d never mention it. Every night I’d have a slight panic attack or wake up stressed out in the middle of the night spiraling. Another call, another day, still no mention, til finally it came to this week, the night before I was set to go into the studio & start recording.
My parents were on a trip in San Diego & my dad had called me following their trip to the zoo. My mom was out in the Airbnb hot tub & he was filling me in on the events of the day & I just kept finding things to talk about to keep him on the line except for what I needed to say. Finally, with elevated heart rate & stammering words, I started my “…sooooo…” conversation. My dad, to his credit, sat & listened. I explained how important the song has proven to a lot of people & how often I get asked by those in the industry & my peers to cut it & said that it was something I felt deeply I needed to do. I explained that I have a really hard time creating without the constant feeling of “how will my parents feel about this?!” This blog included, & that I desperately needed to break away from that, because it’s incredibly limiting. It’s nothing they’ve ever expected of me or voiced that everything I create has to align with their tastes or their view of life, I just isolated myself in those self created walls. I offered to send them the demo or the lyrics so they could hear it, which he told me there was no need for, & at the end of my raving & ranting he simply said “sounds to me like you need to cut it.” Which I simply said “okay” to.
I spent months, nay, years, stressing about how I was going to tell them about this song. Years of my life anxious about it & in the end it came down to a five minute conversation with someone who responded with what I took as understanding.
I don’t think I was asking permission or anything like that, I just felt I owed them the explanation upfront. Do I think it’s going to change how they feel about the song after it’s out or they’ve heard it? No. Do I think it’s something they’ll enjoy hearing? No. But was it written with malicious intent or hatred? No. It is & always has been an expression of my grief that has been worked through, thanks to their willingness to learn & grow as parents.
My point in all of this is, as the title says, bite the bullet. Say the things you need to say that allow you your peace & that allow healing to begin because all you are doing is causing stagnation & potentially building resentment. I understand that timing can often be everything as well & that sometimes people need the distance & space to hear certain things when they’re ready or to be open to engaging in that type of conversation, but I sat on that anxiety over something as simple as a three minute song for years & years.
I know those conversations are hard, I know they may at times make things worse before they get better, but leaving things unspoken does nothing but fester & rot relationships & builds walls where there could be understanding & commonality instead. Again, totally get that every situation is different, but I want to challenge you to have those hard conversations, to bite the bullet, rip off the bandaid, & allow healing to begin.
As always,
Much love to you all,
-C