For someone who doesn't believe in New Year’s Resolutions I sure am writing an awful lot of blogs about them, this being my third I think. When I sat down today to try & figure out what I wanted to write about I kept coming back to the idea of “grace.” I have made my own set of adjustments going into the new year in an attempt to get ‘back on the horse’ & have already, six days in, found myself falling short. Resolutions aside, I think we are often too hard on our short comings & falterings & I believe that a little self inflicted grace would do us all a great bit of good. I know for some of you out there the idea of grace has religious connotation or even triggers a religious trauma response but I hope by the end of this I can help to shed new light on the idea of grace & being gracious.
Let’s start out with a definition shall we? According to Merriam-Webster grace takes many linguistic forms. The one I’ve already addressed is:
“1: a: unmerited divine assistance given to humans for their regeneration or sanctification
b: a virtue coming from God
c: a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine assistance”
And I can already feel those of you on the other end of the internet recoiling from the fear of having that definition & need for repentance nailed into your head. Let’s explore further shall we? Let’s look at the next set of definitions from M-WD.
“2: a: approval, favor
b: mercy, pardon
c: a special favor, privilege
d: disposition to or an act or instance of kindness, courtesy, or clemency
e: a temporary exemption: reprieve”
It’s interesting to me that the five of these definitions fall within the same subset of definitions. In what way is a favor akin to mercy? How is an act of clemency the same as a privilege?
Much as the various religious texts would indicate grace is not something afforded to all but that exists at the same time in abundance, available to those who seek it out. Whether you seek an act of grace, of mercy, from that which you deem almighty, a ruler, a supervisor, a friend, a family member, or what have you, it is not something guaranteed or afforded without the permission & intent of the party to whom you are at the mercy of. It is a privilege to be reprieved of your guilt, shame, penance, or punishment.
So how does this tie into ourselves? How do we exercise grace when the judge of our falterings is the same person as the one requiring forgiveness? How do we set aside the shame, the guilt, the should’ve, could’ve, would’ves, of it all & release the anguish we feel? How do we afford ourselves grace? Well, I think to answer that question we have to briefly shift our focus to shame. For this I’m going to turn to Brené Brown.
In Atlas Of The Heart Brown defines shame as the following:
“Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed & therefore unworthy of love, belonging, & connection.”
According to Brown shame thrives on several things, one of the primary being judgement. What dispels shame? Empathy. Self-Compassion. These allow us to look at our perfectly imperfect selves & see the humanity that lives within us. It blows perfectionism, another type of shaming, out of the way & makes way for grace. It gives us the leeway to learn from our mistakes & grow instead of festering & derailing.
“Grace means that all of your mistakes now serve a purpose instead of serving shame.”
I’m trying to get back on the wagon after the holiday. After eating poorly, not exercising my mind, body, spirit enough, not flexing my creativity enough, & definitely not drinking enough water, I decided to push myself for twelve weeks of evening out the playing field. Will I fall off as I’ve done already? Of course! Does that mean I should give up now & return to a place of discomfort & unhappiness? Absolutely not. We are human, at the end of the day, at the end of your diet, your abandoned workout equipment or stacks of books that have gone unread, we are human. Perfection is an unattainable goal that striving for will ultimately leave you feeling empty & unfulfilled. Having the grace to recognize your humanity, dust yourself off, & try again will be your saving grace & the thing that makes your spirit soar.
I want to leave you with one last anecdote this evening before I sign off & let you all get back to giving yourself grace in your day to day life.
I was recently told of a practice that many of the Native American tribes of the southwest observe. It specifically revolves around art & the pursuit of the perfect. Anytime a native artist from one of these tribes goes to finish a piece they’ve been working on; be it a knit, an item of jewelry, a painting, etc. they intentionally leave a flaw. Why? Well, two reasons. The first reason is that it allows the trapped bits of the artist’s soul that they’ve poured into their art to have a place to escape from. The second reason is that it allows a reprieve, a grace, from perfectionism & the never ending quest for that which is unreachable for us. It find this sentiment beautiful. It adds levity, humanity, & yes, grace, into a piece of art & allows the artist to free themselves from the shackles of shame.
I hope, thus far, you’re having an awesome new year. I wish you all the greatest one imaginable going forward. I want to challenge you to find little moments of grace in your day to day, not just for yourself, but for others as well. These little moments will eventually snowball into medium moments which then become larger moments & I’d be intrigued to see where that snowball leads you.
As always, much love to you all!
-C