Did I miss something? Did I miss us as a culture going back to a time where it was chill to tell people to smile? If so, can we undo whatever decision was made there & re-stigmatize that? Please?
I have had within the last month or so, on three separate occasions, people comment on posts of mine or photos of mine & tell me to smile in them. As if about half of the photos I post, specifically in the pride series that Evan & I did, did not feature me cheesin’ it up for the camera. Not only have three separate people told me to smile more, they have all been women, the demographic that I feel should be most adept at knowing whether or not to tell someone to smile more. I understand that in a lot of ways I am a public figure, I am a brand, but my brand is also me & I, as a person, have emotional ups & down of which I feel I’m fairly transparent about across the board either in my posts on here or any of the innumerable social media accounts that I’m trying to keep up with at any given time. My perceived mood should not come as a surprise to anyone actively paying attention, but I guess I need to break it down further for some folks.
To the comments that say that I look angry. You’d be correct. I am. Why, you ask? *Gestures around wildly at everything.
I am angry, extremely so to be exact. It’s a conversation that I’ve had ongoing with my partner, Evan, as well as many of my friends. & no, before you ask, it’s nothing to do with any of them. Evan & I are great, my friends & I are great. What isn’t great is the fact that those in my life who were in favor of a lot of the BS happening to this country, to this planet, now seem to have turned a blind eye to everything going on with ICE, with the climate catastrophe, with the clear daily constitutional crises that we’re in, with the blatant corruption, the political games, the power grabs. They’ve all decided to turn off because they got what they wanted & don’t care about the consequences of that on other people or on the world at large. Either that or they got tired of the constant, more than justified criticism, & instead have switched to eco chambers & talking heads that just spout propaganda or scream out buzz words because it maintains the illusion that anything this current administration is doing is good & decent.
It’s like stumbling into this weird alternate universe where that paint isn’t peeling off the walls, the food & water aren’t poison or actively drying up, the vegetables aren’t causing life altering infections, the meat isn’t full of parasites, & the sky isn’t greyed out with smoke from the raging wildfires of a dying planet. It’s infuriating. Then when you go to have a conversation about any of it they, first off, have no idea who or what you’re talking about, because they aren’t paying any sort of actual attention, & second, defend clear lies & disinformation as their ‘opinion’ even though they are trying to stack it up against hard facts. The cognitive dissonance is insane to me. Then, on top of it all, you get treated like the crazy one for caring, for trying to inform people of what’s happening, to showing empathy towards the people being actively killed or the families being ripped apart. You’re too soft or you’re exaggerating or you shouldn’t worry because it’ll all change again at the end of the four years anyway. What a cucky way to be.
So yes, I’m angry. Fuming even. I wish I weren’t. God, how nice it would be to not care. To watch the world burn knowing you could’ve done the bare minimum to help stop it & just not care. Sounds nice, I can’t lie, but I also don’t wish that at all. If the price of my morality, my ethics, my empathy, is that my heart is forced to break into a million pieces multiple times a day then so be it. I will not be the silent observer who does nothing when injustice, persecution, & fascism come knocking on my door or the doors of those whom I don’t even know. If that lands me on some list, so be it. There is a price for liberty & justice for all & some of y’all are way too cool with not paying it here on our own stolen soil.
I smile when life gives me reasons to smile. My smile, much like your silence, is a privilege that not everyone gets. Do I have a great life all things considered, of course I do & I am beyond grateful for it, but I also have a heart that bleeds for those who are under the thumb of these thugs in office. My heart bleeds for the boiling oceans, for the National Parks & Monuments being given over to oil companies, for the lives being ripped apart needlessly. My heart bleeds for my persecuted trans brothers & sister who just want to live their lives in a body that feels like their own, for the scientists whose warnings are ignored & whose funding is being pulled, for the families struggling to get by, working 80 hours a week & watching their benefits dry up, for those who came to this country in search of opportunity or better lives who are being hunted in the street. My heart breaks for all of this & more every single minute of every single hour of every single day. My heart breaks for the promise of America & the lies that are actively destroying it.
I know I should be better at protecting my peace. I am trying to work on that, but I’m so tired of the chosen ignorance. I’m so tired of this fight that feels like it hasn’t let up since November of 2024. I’m so tired of screaming at the top of my lungs for people to wake up & see the sky falling around them just for them to not even humor me with a glance upwards. I feel helpless & hopeless & stagnant all at once & it’s wearing me down to the bone. My nerves are shot, my adrenals have been run into the ground, & I am struggling to find my way forward through anything other than rage.
I know that this too shall pass, but it’s taking way too long to do so, & I can’t imagine the clean up that will be required after all is said & done.
As Always, Much Love To You All, (as much as I can spare right now),
-C