I’ve noticed something in the last couple of weeks, internally, I’ve noticed it. I think it’s something I touched lightly upon in my last blog from………three weeks ago……………but I think it’s coming more & more into focus the more that time goes by & the longer that I sit with it. I’m in a scarcity loop.
I think when we talk about scarcity, often the most immediate response within our minds is that of the financial, or something else resource based. We think to ourselves “oh, I don’t have enough money,” or “I’m running out of money.” Along the lines of further resource scarcity (cuz let’s face it, money is a resource) you also have fear of running out of food or not being able to get the store for whatever reason, or a fear of limited or restricted access to clean water whether that’s due to something geographical, political, or financial. Whatever the resource that is lacking or that we have the fear of it becoming a luxury, we tend to think of that when we picture our scarcity mindsets or our scarcity loops. That’s not necessarily where mine follows.
Earlier this year I faced a pretty large rejection. I’ve spoken about it here a number of times & try not to continue doing so, because it is something I need to move on with. And while the rejection came with an email explaining how it wasn’t any reflection of me as an artist or as a talent, I think a part of me internalized that & definitely took it as such. This opportunity that I’d hoped on for literal months, felt like it might be a huge step & a boost in visibility for me. I got excited at the prospect of what it could mean for me & my career just to be shut out from it & have the months I spent in waiting, & the months I spent not planning for future things, mean nothing. Maybe there’s a lesson there that I’m missing still, but at any rate, it sunk me into this place of isolation & creative detachment.
I felt my voice wasn’t good enough (something I feel often & that definitely needs some internal working on), I felt that I wasn’t a good enough songwriter or a good enough artist, that what I thought I had to offer the world wasn’t & isn’t enough. My scarcity loop developed not around physical resources, but around my creativity, around my vocal prowess, around my abilities as a songwriter & for all intents & purposes, reality backed that up. At least the reality that I could see.
I stopped getting asked to write, or sing, or perform in general. I saw opportunity flourishing in everyone around me but I was stuck feeling glum & defeated, thinking ‘maybe this is for everyone else & not for me. Maybe this is a dream that isn’t for me. Maybe I should give up & go do God knows what because it’s stable & not heartbreaking.’
My scarcity loop then took on what I called a liminal space. This place outside of reality where I was stuck waiting. I felt like a boat cast out to see into the dark, foggy night with no sense of direction & no desire to even pick up the paddles & row. To a degree I feel like I’m still there, though now I’m starting to see the whirlpool that has kept me adrift in the nothing all of this time.
My scarcity loop reminds me constantly of my age, my lack of credits, my lack of connections, my lack of quality vocal health, my lack of opportunity, my lack of trying, my lack of putting out any music whatsoever this year, even though my PR firm is nice enough to check in on me from time to time & say “we’re still rooting for you, let us know when we can get back to work on your behalf. It’s all just lack. Lack, lack, lack. & there it is, the loop. The whirlpool. The all consuming maw of spiraling depression, torturous anxiety, & self depreciation. Why can’t I just get up & do it? Why can’t I write or create or show up on socials for the world? Why am I so self isolating & piteous of my status? Why can’t it be me?
But that’s the problem isn’t it? We humans are really good at digging our own graves & finding, much as we predicted & focused on, we ended up buried six feet down. I am a firm believer in the laws of attraction & the signal I’ve been putting out into the aether has been one of “lack, lack, lack.” So what do I end up sowing other than exactly that?
So I’m navigating the loop. I’m swirling the whirlpool, but I think it’s time I picked up the oars & started fighting harder against the current instead of just dipping my hands in to paddle & giving up instantly because ‘what’s even the point?’ It’s time I recenter. It’s time I plot a course & turn this loop into a centrifuge that launches me into the next great thing. & even if I have no idea what that is or where that road leads, it’s time I had the trust enough to sail away into the abyss knowing that greater shores lay in wait for me to set my feet upon them.
As always, much love to you all,
-C