Blog: Well...Now What?...

Hi, sorry, sorry. I know I’ve been a touch absent the last two weeks. My b, y’all. I’m gonna be real with you though, & yes this will play into this week’s topic, but I have been going through it mentally. Ya boy is not doing the hottest at the moment & while there are a couple of compounding reasons for that, we’re just going to focus on one.

Back in October I got the opportunity to audition for something rather major. They liked me & wanted to move me forward in the process, but part of that process included blocking off my calendar from about March of this year til at least end of June/July, if not farther. I wasn’t allowed to book anything that might compete with said opportunity & it was highly insinuated that I should limit, if not halt, my releases. I waited & waited with no final word on whether I was in or not until two weeks ago when I got the email that they had decided to pass on me & wouldn’t be going forward with me as an artist for said opportunity. In all honesty, I kind of felt like I saw it coming, which in turn may have then put that energy out into the world to have it come to be. A few people close to me, who knew about the opportunity, were blind sided. They were all sure that I was going to go on to be a part of it, but alas the stars did not align on this one & I set aside my time & energy & said no to many an other opportunity &/or show for nothing. Now I find myself sitting around, stuck in the question & feeling of ‘well….now what?…’

The annoying part is, aside from the 5 months I spent waiting for an answer & the hold for nothing I had in place, is that I also made space for this in my life outside of those two defining ways. I held hope in my heart & in my life that this ‘could be life changing’ opportunity would come to fruition & it didn’t. Unceremoniously. Via email on a Tuesday afternoon in March. & in all honesty, I didn’t know how to move on from that.

It was one of those things where the longer it went on the more I ended up getting excited for it. I took the occasional “please continue to wait” email as a sign that there was hope of this coming to fruition, just to be dropped so capriciously. It sank me y’all. I had spent so many months & so much energy thinking that finally, finally someone was going to see my potential, finally someone else saw my worth & that this door that I believed wide open to me was, only to find out that it had never even been unlocked. I felt ultimately defeated.

I know I shouldn’t have put as much stock in this as I did, it’s just this time something felt different, like this person that I know I am & that many of you know I am was finally going to blast into the spotlight. It hurt. I had a very hard time with it, it dug down deep in me & left a whole in the place where my self worth used to live. Again, I know I should never have let it get that deep or feel that important, but it felt like something that could have been a springboard for me career-wise. Now I’m left holding the space that I allotted, the energy I invested, & the opportunities that I turned down for nothing & I’m having a very hard time not only recalibrating myself but also getting excited about my future.

To be blunt I feel like the path has disappeared from before me & know I’m just wandering aimlessly, waiting for the next path to appear so that I can continue on down it. I’m feeling a bit lost in the woods at the moment. My motivation is shot, my creativity is shot, & I’m feeling rather jaded at the moment from the whole experience.

I’m not writing all of this for you all to take pity on me, if anything I want the opposite. I wish, so desperately, that I could say it didn’t phase me. That I got the news & immediately said “well, that’s fine, I’ve got better things to do anyway.” When in reality I don’t feel that I do. I want so badly to be the confident person who didn’t take the hit to my pride from this, but I’m not, so I wanted to get on here & be entirely honest & open with you all, because that’s all I’ve ever wanted to be as an artist.

Some days are harder than others. My birthday is rapidly approaching, usually a time that I get excited for & celebrate, but this year I just feel numb. Like what’s the point? On the other hand some days the “badass” who doesn’t give a shit about what happened comes out & he shows up hopefully & excited about a future that is full of question marks. I’m trying to learn to be more & more like that version of me with each day that passes.

I’m sorry if this blog was a downer, that wasn’t my intent. If anything today was one of those blogs that felt like pulling teeth to me, but I want to feed the side of myself that is motivated & persistent & not give into that side of me that is huffing “why even try?” I needed to get on here & write one, so I didn’t leave you all who so graciously extend your time to me & my thoughts & ideas hanging, & two, so I could get back behind the boulder & start pushing my way up the hill again. In a lot of ways this blog is for me to vent & for me to persist, but despite that, I hope you at least got a little something out of this. Even if that something is simply a thread of commonality or an understanding.

I wish you all the happiest of days/evenings wherever this blog finds you.

As always, much love to you all,

-C

Blog: Selective Solidarity Is Just Disguised Oppression

I started out this blog under that notion of one having their cake & eating it too, but for me, I don’t think that hit hard enough. So, I scoured the web & found some more options, the one that punched the most, naturally, ended up as our title for today. I want to lay out a few other favorites of mine that may help convey what this blog is about & I’m sure get those of you who probably need to read it the most to check out immediately. Here they are (we’ll go light to heavy on this:

• You want your bread buttered on both sides.

• You can’t walk on both sides of the street.

• You’re talking out of both sides of your mouth.

• You can’t ride two horses with one ass.

• You can’t straddle the fence forever.

• You can’t dance with the devil & call it worship (I almost went with this one).

• You can’t say you love my while stabbing me in the back (another great one that I almost went with).

• Allyship isn’t a label, it’s a practice (allyship felt too affirming to me in the context for which this blog will be written, so it also didn’t make the cut.)

Anyway, if you haven’t guessed by now, this blog will be not too dissimilar from what continues to be my most popular blog of all time, No Hate Like Christian Love, in the sense that we are going to talk about those who claim to love or support marginalized friends, family members, coworkers, acquaintances, etc. while actively supporting those who would seek to do violence against the groups in question.

I can already hear the groans. Really? Violence? Don’t be hyperbolic. So let’s give a little vocabulary lesson right quick shall we? Violence, as defined by the Cambridge Dictionary are actions that are intended to or likely to hurt people or cause damage. I specifically chose to use the word violence for this exact reason, because a lot of folks out there only think that an act of violence is physical & I think the word violence carries with it a connotation & an imagery that to most people is repulsive to a degree. We recoil from the idea. But the word violence also paints a beautifully tragic picture that I think helps nail in the point of all of this.

Now I want you to know that I will be getting specific in this here blog. I will be using exact names of individuals, exact events with sources, & will be mostly talking from my perspective as a queer individual, because that is where my lived experience lies, but naturally this point carries across to the many marginalized communities being affected by the executive orders, rhetoric, & laws being passed by the current admin. We would also be here for an eternity if I brought immigrants, veterans, impoverished people, racial minorities, women, etc. into this. I also need this blog to be an expression of the times we are living in, specifically in the United States of America under the second Trump administration. I can just hear the clicks on the ‘x’s’ at the top left for the screen continuing.

On March 9th, 2025 Donald Trump reposted a photo on his Truth Social account depicting a pink triangle crossed out with an opinion piece from the Washington Post praising him & AD Hegseth for their renewed ban of trans military members. Read more here. The Pink Triangle in question that adorns the image being that which gay individuals were forced to wear by the Nazi’s during WWII, specifically in concentration camps. Now, this is not the first time the administration has shared or sympathize directly with Nazi ideals. See Charlotte “Fine People,” Trump Praises Hitler, Elon Musk Salute/Holocaust Denial, Trump’s Continued Attempts At Trans Eradication, need I go on?…because sadly I can for a while… This post, naturally, sparked outrage amongst the LGBTQIA+ community who saw it for what it is, a blaring Dog Whistle.

You see many of us have been warning those we know who are shameless Trump voters of these coming threats for years, specifically when this past year’s election cycle came about, & we were all met with the same excuses or push back. “He’s not coming after anyone’s rights.” See here. “No one is coming for marriage equality.” See here. “But the economy.” See here. Or “the grocery prices” See here. Glad you sold your marginalized loved ones down the river just so you could hypothetically have cheaper groceries even though every major economist on the planet rightfully predicted that it would have the opposite effect.

And this is what gets me, election cycle after election cycle. The people who are in your life who profess to love you “unconditionally.” Time & time again, they are those who vote flagrantly against your rights as a member of a marginalized community & then when you get upset with them over it & over the things that are happening that you told them repeatedly would happen, they act like they didn’t know or that they are not partially at fault. They also don’t understand that even if they are 1 in 77,302,580ths responsible, that they still saw all of the ways this admin would damage your life & the lives of millions of others & signed off on it, put their literal stamp of approval on the man, his cronies in the cabinet, & their promised acts of retribution & violence against “the least of these.” Then they except you not to feel betrayed by that, to act as if nothing has happened, & that their brand of “unconditional love” doesn’t count when it comes to the voting booth. It’s gaslighting at its finest. Then, God forbid, they have the audacity to rub it in your face, to fly a MAGA flag or wear a MAGA hat or make jokes at your expense, all of which are signals to anyone who belongs to a minority that “you are not welcome here” & “I am not a safe person to be around.” They choose garish gloating &, a lovely german term, schadenfreude in place of compassion & empathy, both of which are much too late to be properly exhibited anyway.

You don’t get to stand on the grounds that you love or support someone & then turn around & blatantly vote their rights as a human being away without consequence. You don’t get to do that & expect them to treat you the same, to not feel entirely betrayed by you when you especially when they’ve wasted their breath trying to get you to understand the damage that will be done. Especially after witnessing the damage done from 2016-2020. I am so sick of the rhetoric or “but both sides” or “it’ll all change again in four years anyway” when clearly, clearly that is not the case. One side of the aisle, while they may be completely inefficient, does not actively seek to tear apart the lives of those who they have painted a target upon just because they can or just because it distracts from their inability or desire to fix the problems they perpetuate.

Naturally this is a hot button topic for me, as it seems to be for so many of my friends who find themselves on the receiving end of the Trump policies. So many of us who are openly LGBTQIA+, immigrants, environmentalists, non-evangelicals, non-white, are finding ourselves face to face with the heartbreak that is thinking the people you love, who you would do anything for, would do the same for you & quickly finding out they won’t even do something as simple as vote in your favor. It’s a terrible feeling, one I wouldn’t wish on anyone, & the worse part of it is, as I aforementioned, that they want you to continue on like they haven’t overtly committed acts of violence against you. They are fine being your oppressors if it gets them even the slightest perceived advantage in life & they will/have done so unapologetically. Not even unapologetically, but with outright disregard, deflecting any & all accountability & shifting blame or leaning into whataboutisms to avoid the reality & the harm of their actions. Then they wonder why we don’t want to be around them anymore.

I’m sorry if this was a tough read, I’m sorry if this was triggering for you. If you’re someone maybe not on the receiving end it might be time to look into the ‘why.’ I write this out of a desire to inform & with passion because it kills me. It kills me to experience it & it kills me to see so many beautiful human beings who are deserving of all of the love in the world have the same things happen to them. I write this to show you all what has been done & what continues to be done out of some, probably false, hope that someone will read this & finally understand & not continue making the same mistakes going forward. You cannot love your black, brown, white, immigrant, citizen, queer, trans, non-binary, etc., etc., etc. neighbor by voting against them. It is contradictory, hypocritical, & above all an act of violence against them. Where is the ‘love’ in that?

It’s tough out there, please be safe, take care of yourself & one another, & know that I love you.

Much love to you all,

-C

Blog: Shake Off The Snow

We’ve had a hard winter. There’s no denying that. Outside of my own personal rampant anxiety & seasonal depression, the geopolitical landscape is a cluster, The US is in the process of a full on hostile government takeover that nobody with the power to do so seems to want to stop, & I know a lot of us also went through dramatic moments around family, friends, & love. It was a long, cold couple of months but it seems to sun is finally peeking through.

Despite what the clairvoyant groundhog may have decided, it seems spring is gradually creeping in. I feel typically we have a little more ‘hard stop’ to winter, but this year it seems we’re just easing into spring. Honestly though, that makes sense to me. The sun is slowly hanging around longer, I think for the majority of The US we gained about 45 minutes more sunlight during the month of February, but it probably isn’t something that the majority of us noticed. I however have noticed the gradual return of my mental health, overall desire to live, & the steady dissipation of my ‘dark night of the soul.’

The world seems, quite literally, a little brighter, even though the news continues to grow more & more grave as each day passes. I think the reason for that is also a sense of the shifting energies. We as a society are upset, we’re anxious, we’re in distress but I think we’re also getting to a point where what was presenting as rage is now shifting to spite, to motion. You see rage is a very mobile emotion, it causes us to want to take action, to kick the door down, to scream & writhe & bear our teeth, & when aimed correctly, tuned, & distilled, rage can be an excellent tool & an excellent motivator. You see, I think a lot of us over the last couple of weeks have been riding the rage train out of the pits of despair into something more productive & proactive. We are beginning to see that the actions of those involved are not sustainable, nor are they backed by the populous & that shift in energy & the light screaming through the cracks feels like a weird shifting tide of hope.

I didn’t want to get overly political while writing this, I definitely have my share of blogs that veer heavily into that space, but I wanted to mention the above paragraph because it does play into this shift out of the cold into the warmth. Out of the darkness into the light. We are feeling the resurrection of the sun & the fires are starting to burn away the shadows that have drug us down & encased our hearts in fear & woe. I think that with the shift in the seasons, so too will we see a massive shift in the world & society around us.

So what are we to do? We’ve felt the call to emerge from our caves, to return to the world anew & grow once again towards the light, to unfurl our branches & put out new leaves & return from the ground where we’ve buried our necessities back to a place of expansion & vibrance. We embrace that. With every fiber of our beings we embrace it because that is where hope & change & progress are found. Not in the pitfalls of winter, but in the promise of brighter days to come. We crawl from our dins, shake off the snow, & give it permission to return to melt back into the earth so that it can be used to burst shining new fruits into existence. We continue the work, we adapt, & we continue chasing the sun because that is where our hope lies, in the promise of good conquering evil, of the many over the few, of life over decay. So hear the calling, shake off the snow, & answer with luminous hope radiating from your heart.

Much love to you all,

-C

Blog: Happy New Year! I'm Back!

Hiya folks,

How have we been? Don’t answer that, I know how most of us have been & will probably continue to be for the next foreseeable future. It’s getting rougher & rougher out there. I first want to welcome you all back, welcome you into 2025, & get all the pomp & circumstance out of the way. This blog will serve partially as a way of reigniting things here, partially as an update & where I’ve been, & partially as a “things to come” posting. So, if you’re into the idea of all of that, stick around & enjoy the read!

I initially planned today to be part one of my Australia blog, if you follow me at all on any of the socials out there you will know that I’ve been abroad for the last two plus weeks. I have about half of the first blog written out in its base form but it still needs another couple of days worth of content, editing, & photo integration. I will go ahead & let you know that it will be next week’s blog & it will cover Evan & my time in Sydney. I need you all to hold me to that. And yes, yes, I know, I know, I promised you all a New York City travel blog back in November on two separate occasions, but let’s be real & honest, shit hit the fan & it ended up being too much for me to handle mentally. Sorry if that upsets you or is a let down, but I have to prioritize my heath & well being first & foremost & November/December were truly a rough patch for me.

Diving farther into thaaaaaat I’m going to be entirely real with you all. The election gave me an ulcer. It stressed me out so bad that I developed a stomach ulcer & it got so bad that at one point I could only eat a couple of bites of food before I felt like I was going to vomit. The foods I could eat were mostly whole foods; fermented soy products (miso), veggies, fruits, fish, chicken, & sourdough bread. Because most food made me incredibly nauseous, I ended up being only able to consume about 1,000-1,500 calories a day, about half of my daily recommended for lil ole six foot, four me. I cut out alcohol as well as most fatty &/or processed foods as well as any medications or supplements that may have been inflammatory to my stomach. I even took omeprazole (Prilosec) to help minimize the effects of my stomach acid. For the most part that seemed to be helping, that is until Thanksgiving. At thanksgiving I decided to be indulgent & in addition to eating way too much of whatever, I also had two glasses of a nice red wine which I proceeded to throw up all night long that evening. Upon returning to Nashville I had a series of tests run just to cut out any other possibilities such as gallbladder or liver issues, which came back clear, & I restarted my progress & my forced sobriety. In addition to the stomach B.S. I was also struggling with general post election anxiety & stressed which quickly dipped me, full tilt, into my seasonal depression.

So yeah, that’s where I ended up for the past couple of months. I would sit down to write but all I felt was dread or apathy. I one night started at the flashing icon of the text indicator on my blog entry screen for about two to three hours. All that ever got written was the word “blog:” in the title section. Additionally the months of November & December were incredibly busy for me. I was in a wedding, went to two separate Thanksgivings on either side of the country, then had Christmas…which I ended up leaving early, then had to come home, pack, & get the house in order to depart two days later for our Australia trip, of which we got back from three days ago.

I kept my forced sobriety (I say that as if I drink like a fish, I probably have a drink or two max a week) until we went to Australia. My hope was to give my stomach the last week of November & all of December to recoup & see how it did. On the 30th we went out to dinner with friends (more on that in next week’s blog) & I got a spritz, just to see how I’d do. I was totally fine. In actuality, I ended up being totally find the entirely of Australia. I ate whatever I wanted, drank whatever I wanted, had fatty foods, coffee, alcohol, citrus, etc. & was totally fine…until I got back to The US at which point my stomach immediately started acting up again…

Australia aside, I’ve been going through it, but we’re back now, I’m pushing through to the best of my ability even though my ‘fight or flight’ is fairly constant for the time being & the jet lag is keeping me from properly sleeping, but I at least wanted to fill you all in. I know several of you have reached out to ask about the absence of posts & blogs & I felt I owed you an explanation, especially since so many of you come to this site week after week to read my ramblings & thoughts. I’m always incredibly grateful for that & I hope you don’t feel neglected, abandoned, or taken advantage of in any way. As I said though, I need some time off to regulate & recalibrate. While I don’t necessarily think I’m all the way there yet, life has to go on & sometimes you need to push through & reestablish the routing so that you can keep your head above water & get through it all one day at a time.

I hope the last two months were a joy for you all, I hope you feel refreshed & excited about your futures. I hope 2025 has treated you well thus far & I look forward to sharing this space with you all once again,.

As always, much love to you all,

-C