Blog: The Rolodex of Resentment

I had this week’s blog idea come to me in a dream, no literally it came to me in a dream & much like the owner of the music industry herself, Ms. Taylor Swift, I wrote it down for all of you to read today! Congrats! In said dream I was presented with a rolodex style presentation of a lot of my memories since I had moved to Nashville except for they all had one thing in common; they were all memories that I had come to resent for one reason or another. All of these resurgences were very vivid & I got to witness each of them one by one, over & over again until I understood the message I was being given at which point I awoke.

In the still early light of the then 5 AM morning I was overcome with a great sadness. It wasn’t a “poor, poor me” type of sadness but more of a sadness from the realization that I’d been carrying all of these memories around aimlessly for the last ten years I’ve worked in this industry. I had held on to so much resentment for so many different people because I felt lied to by them, cheated by them, forgotten by them & it had grown to the point where it was beginning to affect my self esteem & creativity.

The music industry is a hard business, it truly is. It’s all about who you know & who knows you; it is truly a business built on relationships. That’s why I think a lot of these memories had dug their claws so deeply into my psyche & had such an influence on me over the years. I’d had people of influence promise to pass along projects or give things a listen just to be left in the dark. I’ve had friends go on to great success that then turn “too good for you” & leave you in the tracks before getting on a stage or getting a write up in a magazine all about how we have to “help the next person in line.” I’ve had people I looked up to, who I saw as mentors disappear out of the blue, or friends in industry positions more willing to help others than those they call their close friends & I’m certain I’ve done this unintentionally to people as well.

What’s my point in all of this? Why dedicate a whole blog to a dream & a realization? Because resentment & the emotions associated with it are heavy. Jealousy & envy are heavy, bitterness is heavy, grudges & ill will are heavy & I struggle with them. I struggle with leaving behind the weight of envy in the face of other people’s success, especially those I’m close to & if I’m being honest, I hate that. I want to be so openly & honestly proud of my friends, because they work so damn hard & are so talented & worthy of accolades & success in their own right but I always have the shadow of “why not me” lurking.

I’m trying to get over these things, I really am. I’m trying to let the past go. I’m trying to meet the success of my friends with genuine, unbothered happiness for them because they deserve that. I think this dream was alluding to all the work I thought I’d done & telling me “oh, no, no, you still have so far to go!”

I hadn’t realized I was carrying around all of this unpacked baggage, that I was letting the past or the perceived views of others no longer directly in my life have such an influence on my life, but it had. I’d gotten to the point where I started to believe crazy things about myself. I started to believe that I must not be a good artist if not even my friends are willing to help me, I began to believe that I was a bad songwriter or a bad singer & you know what, those things manifested themselves physically. I developed vocal chord dysfunction, I completely forgot how to write songs because I put way too much pressure on each thing I wrote being a masterpiece & I began to fall into the cracks of the music industry after I’d worked so hard & for so long to hoist myself up.

I know now these are lies that I told myself over the years. I am worthy of success, I am worthy of a thriving career in this business. I am talented both as a performer & as a writer. I am marketable as a brand, I am desirable as an artist. Dark, low vibration emotions & parasites do wonders on the body & mind, terrible wonders, but impressive none the less & I’m done letting them have an influence on me.

I want to leave this one final line for any friends of mine that may happen to read this. I am so, so incredibly proud of each of you & all of the things you’ve accomplished in your lives. I am overjoyed to see you soar & hope you know I will always be there to support you. If I have ever done any of the above listed things to you, please reach out to me & let me know.

Much love to you all,

-C

Blog: Mental Health & The Mental Tolls of Being a Struggling Artist

Incase you didn’t know June is Mental Health Awareness Month.

I wanted to start this blog by saying a few things that I often have to reaffirm in my own life; you are worthy of your dreams, you are talented, you are worthy of love, you are worthy of people’s time, you are important. I know that can be a little hippie-dippie at times but these are the mantras we must keep. Recite them until you believe them in your soul. Make those words imprint upon your brain. You are worthy.

I also want to say that if you are struggling with your mental health & feel like you’re out here drowning on your own, that it’s okay to reach out for help. It’s okay to tell people how you feel. It is not weakness to want to get better. Fighting these fights has made you stronger than you know! If you do need help though there are a lot of great resources out there, I’ll attach a few to the bottom of the blog.

Now, onto my thoughts…

Some of you may have read the precious blog I did on mental health for Suicide Prevention Day, if not feel free to go back & give it a read, although I’ll probably end up touching on a lot of those points in it here as well. I wanted to take the time to write this blog but I didn’t want to do it at a time where I felt right as rain. I’ve been fairly candid in the past about my struggles with depression, a mental illness I struggled with for years. I remember being in high school & having sudden uncontrollable waves of depression hit me & not knowing how to deal with them, often resulting in me breaking down. And that’s how depression goes, like a flash flood. Some days it just consumes you out of nowhere & the fear, doubt, & shame take over. Well, full disclosure, that’s me today. Most of the time my waves of depression come from never feeling like I’m enough, not feeling like I’m good enough, talented enough, that I work hard enough, or that I’m doing enough. That’s the beauty of the music industry I suppose, every day you try your damnedest just to inch your way a little higher on the ladder & feel like all this work you’re doing matters. You work & you work & you get so excited just to be thrown by the wayside by the world & this industry. The projects you poured your heart into don’t connect, the email or phone call you’ve been praying will come never does, the people who claim to support you turn their backs on you. It's tough.

I’m not trying to discredit my fans at all or anyone out there working on my behalf or who believes in me, I am beyond grateful for you all. I wouldn’t be here without you. All I’m saying is this job is taxing & if you don’t take the time to stop & check yourself & your mental health along the way it’ll eat you alive. That being said I want this blog to be as raw & open as I can be.

I’m a bit too much of an envious person at times if I’m being honest. Don’t get me wrong, I am incredibly proud of all that my friends are accomplishing in the music industry, with all my heart I am so beyond proud of you all. But comparison is often the thief of my joy & I so long to join you on your pedestal.

I compare myself to the privileged. To those who have relatives in the industry or come from money. Those that can throw the appropriate marketing dollars are a project to have is launch where they want it to be. I envy them. I envy those whose bank account isn’t constantly on their mind, who don’t live day to day trying to make enough money to even buy the gas required to get to the gig they aren’t getting paid for much less fund their next single. Again comparison always seems to be the thief of my joy.

I look around & I don’t know what I’m doing wrong or even really what I’m doing right. I feel like I’m wondering in the dark praying something connects, that someone will reach out a hand & help pull me through it. I wake up & my brain says do something & I immediately panic because I have no idea what to do. I feel the things I have been doing haven’t been working so I’m forced to rethink it & try a different path.

I know I probably sound like I’m bitching or whining but I truly wanted to share this because I know so many artists that have these days but we never show it. We never break face or break character out of fear of freaking people out but that right there is the problem with our stigma of mental health as a society. Fear & shame. We’re afraid the people we care about won’t accept us or what we’re going through. We’re afraid that we’ll just get another person telling us to “shake it off” or tell us “it gets better.” Your emotions are valid, your feelings are valid, just as you are valid.

SAMHSA- Substance Abuse & Mental Health Services Administration:

1-800-662-4357

National Association of Mental Illness:

www.nami.org

Mental Health Resources, Inc.

www.mhresources.org

National Suicide Prevention Hotline:

1-800-273-8255