Blog: Functional Freeze

Hiya!

How’re we all doing?… I know that’s a bit of a loaded question, especially for those of us who have been paying attention to the world & the goings on there within. To a bit of a degree, that’s what we’re talking about today. Not necessarily the global news but the loaded question that I posed to you all at the beginning of this blog. I want to talk about something that it seems a lot of us are dealing with right now that specifically makes that first question a tricky one to answer, functional freeze.

If you’ve never heard the term, functional freeze happens when the nervous system gets overloaded & goes into a kind of overstimulated protection mode. Think of it as getting past the point of flight or fight to our third option, freeze. Kind of like a possum playing dead, the body simply goes into a state of shut down where it prioritizes the basic functions above anything extra or strenuous.

That’s where I think I’m finding a lot of us these days, at least that’s where I’ve been finding a lot of the folks I talk to on the regular & I definitely find myself included in that group. I mean, hell, here I am writing a blog that’s due on a Saturday night for me late into the evening of Sunday. Even climbing up the stairs to do this blog felt to be a bit of a challenge for me if I’m being entirely transparent.

Right off the bat I can feel a few of you probably keying this in to another phenomenon that happens to those of us who are neurodivergent. That’s something that we call executive dysfunction. The key difference here is that executive dysfunction happens because of a lack of dopamine or a lack of a perceived ‘reward’ around a task we’d physically incapable of pushing ourselves into doing, this lives more in the area of burn out. Functional freeze is less of ‘procrastination’ or avoidance, & instead looks a lot like being stuck in the loop. So what’s the loop?

I know for me & a few others that I’ve talked to the functional freeze loop is manifesting itself as doom scrolling. We are stuck glued to our phones constantly looking at the news, constantly scrolling through & refreshing to see if anything has happened since the last couple of minutes that we have looked. If some new disastrous happenstance has occurred in the seconds since we last learned of the other travesties, crimes against humanity or the environment, &/or any other egregious heinous daily bull shit that has come down the pipe at us. We have become addicted to the disaster because it feels validating, we get to know we were right about all of this being as bad as the people in our lives brushed aside. We also get to avoid the guilt of not staying informed, of turning our eyes away from the suffering of the world in favor of our own privilege that is existing without the knowledge or fear of physical, emotional, psychological harm. We, unfortunately, then end up with the guilt that we have been stuck in the cycle & are now unable to accomplish the things we need to accomplish because we are frozen.

It’s exhausting, it really is. It’s just this ever maddening spiral of grief, frustration, anger, & heartache that’s surprisingly addicting. Like sinking to the bottom of the ocean, at some point the pressure overtakes the pull & buoyancy from the surface & you start to be pulled down further & further, faster & faster.

It doesn’t help when you feel like, for whatever reason, you have to be the torch barer of the news for those around you, especially those you know aren’t paying any attention to what is going on even though they had a hand in making all of these things happen.

My functional freeze looks like a few things. The doom scrolling is definitely there, even going as far as to wake up in the middle of the night just to check the news, awaiting further catastrophe. Additionally I have fallen into cycles of distraction. I will do anything I can to not sit & scroll. Of course none of the things that occupy that time are productive or helpful for the state of my nervous system. I’m also chasing cheap dopamine hits like none other. We’re talking junk food, lots of sugar, quick snacks, caffeine, whatever helps me to make it through the days that I find grueling as all get out. It’s really not a fun way to live & I now some of my friends are in very similar boats to what I just described.

So where’s the ray of hope, where’s the silver lining? We’re working on that part. It’s not that it is a work in progress, it definitely is. I’m just having to really take it one day at a time. Some days are worse & I find myself unintentionally wasting the day on my phone, others I journal, object write, scream into the void or find ways to lock myself away from my phone or the internet. It’s definitely a daily practice that I am on the losing side of currently, but am working on gaining footage for. I am really hoping that the time I spend abroad in the next couple of weeks coming up will help me to separate out from this addiction & reset because yeesh, it’s rough out there.

I don’t mean for this blog to be a downer or some sort of call for help. I just write about the through lines of my life, most of the time, & I know a lot of those near & dear to me are also riding this wave of functional freeze & then slipping into depression because of the guilt, the poor habits, & the strain of it all. It’s a blog of solidarity & of me being honest to help those of you dealing with this see that you’re not alone, & those out there with no idea that is is happening, maybe recognize that this is happening to the folks in their lives.

At any rate, I wish you all a wonderful week ahead full of hope, organic productivity, & levity.

As always, much love to you all,

-C

Blog: A Modern Day Cassandra

Earlier this week a friend of mine shared a meme on Instagram that got me thinking & connected a few dots that I’d had floating around my mind for a while now. In the post, that I also shared, we see a woman sitting on a bench with a man flirtatiously leaning over her. The man’s side of the post says “do you have any hobbies?,” the woman’s “yes, pattern recognition.” Cue the instant resonance with me & clearly a few others who commented on the post after I shared it to my own story.

Pattern recognition is one of the key “symptoms” of neurodivergence. It is a trait found consistently in both Autistics & those with ADD/ADHD. It is one of the reasons that so many of us are able to get through life without proper diagnosis because we are able to recognize the societal standards or expectations & develop a ‘mask’ to fit in with the world around us. Naturally some of us wear these masks better than others, but in doing so it is often extremely draining because we are forced to mute or, inversely, inflate certain aspects of our personality in order to be seen as ‘acceptable.’

Another aspect of this pattern recognition is that we are often right about things specifically where social issues, historical applications to modern times, & behavioral predictions are concerned to the point where many of simply get to watch & wait for the other shoe to drop before giving a knowing nod or an ‘I told you so’ look. This would all be great & incredibly useful if our premonitions weren’t often viewed as hyperbolic, dramatic, or fantastical. Maybe part of the problem is that if we are listened to, then things that we predicted don’t come to pass, so our credibility is tanked. Either way, our precognition gets pushed aside in favor of status quo & comfort & we end up frustrated that those around us either couldn’t see the dominos cascading, or had no interest in listening to those of us who do. We are, in a sense, cursed to be the modern day Cassandra.

Let’s divert for a bit of a history/mythology lesson here & refresh you, my reader, on who Cassandra was…potentially…if she existed at all.

Princess Cassandra of Troy, as she is formally known, was one of the daughters of King Priam & Queen Hecuba who ruled Troy during the Fall of Troy. She gained favor with the God, Apollo, who granted her the gift of foresight. When Apollo’s affections for the woman were not met he turned his gift into a curse allowing her to keep her ability to see the future, but making it so that no one would ever believe her predictions no matter how many of them came to pass. & they did, all of them, each of Cassandra’s predictions came to pass & each of her predictions fell on deaf ears each time she proclaimed them to be so.

Cassandra warned Hector that if he returned from Sparta with Helen as his wife, that a war to end their kingdom would follow. He did not listen. Cassandra predicted that the Trojan Horse was a trap set by the Greeks, even going as far as to try & burn the equestrian vessel down. She predicted that her captor following the war, Agamemnon’s wife, Clytemnestra, had taken a lover in his absence & that the two planned to betray & murder Agamemnon upon his return to Argolis. Which he did not believe, & which they did resulting in the death of Cassandra herself. in each instance Cassandra saw the signs, read the stars, had a vision, whatever her method of reception of these messages was, spoke them aloud to those who chose not to listen, & was forced to sit back & watch them all come to pass one after the other.

There is lies the parallels. We voice our concerns, our predictions, the plan chugs on ahead despite our warnings & we end up watching the trap get sprung over & over again. This has been a problem especially in the political realm of the recent years. I can only ever speak from my own experience & the experience of those whom I share a dialogue with, but I can recall innumerable times when I warned family members, friends, randos of the exact happenings that are occurring right now. Each time I was told the same things “they’re not coming for people’s rights,” “there are checks & balances in place, they won’t be allowed to do that,” “you’re being dramatic, it’ll all go back the other way in four years.” Hell even a couple of weeks ago I was told to watch who & what I call fascist or a Nazi because it delates the meanings of the words. I agree, 1000%, it deflates the words, until we’re talking about literal fascist actions & people behaving like Nazis. The play book is there, it’s an open note test & a lot of you are failing or are too busy doing your best to ignore the news & the chaos because it “doesn’t concern you.”

So here we are, your modern day Cassandras. Your canaries in the coal mine screaming at you to do something or move or open your eyes just to be told we’re crazy until a few months later when, lo & behold, we were right. It’s an incredibly frustrating place to be in, especially around people who claim to care for you & value your intellect or your thoughts. At a certain point the “I told you sos” lose their vindication & just ring hollow, because you know that the next time you give out your warnings it will be met with yet another pat on the hand & a “that’s nice dear” instead of being taken seriously.

Here’s wishing you all a fantastic whenever it is that you’re reading this. Let’s hope that this all gets turned around sooner rather than later & that those of us with eyes that see the oncoming floods will start to be taken seriously.

As always, much love to you all,

-C

Blog: Put Your Hand In The Flame You Lazy Bum!

…Are you all still here? I haven’t scared you all off with my inactivity have I? I sure hope not. I’m here to address the elephant in the room, my absence over the last couple of weeks & in doing so, shine a light on another, less talked about facet of ADHD. As listed in the title of this here entry, today we shall be discussing executive dysfunction.

For those not in the ‘know’ executive dysfunction is a symptom of many neurodivergent diagnoses in which the tasks before you present themselves as so devoid of dopamine triggers that your brain treats it like sawing off your leg. That’s not be being dramatic, the part of a neurodivergent individual’s brain where we see the signals light up during a bout of executive dysfunction are the same exact ones that light up when you are told to reach your hand into a flame. It’s the part of your brain that says “nope, that’s dangerous, that’s of detriment to your health & well being, we are definitely not doing that,” except instead of being about physical or emotional pain, it’s about doing the dishes, writing a blog, etc.

Here in lies the common misguided diagnosis from those within the neurotypical frame of mind brand those of us with ADHD, OCD, Autism, etc of laziness. We are lazy because we can’t complete our tasks when in reality, in our minds, doing said tasks would be harmful to our well being…at least that’s what our brain tells us. It’d be like telling someone to jump headfirst into a junk yard of needles & calling them lazy then they can’t bring themselves to do it. I know to a lot of you that may seem like madness & let me tell you, as someone whose brain does this constantly, especially in the darker, colder months, it’s maddening to me too.

A large portion of us have an internal monologue, that voice in your head that tells you about yourself or thinks thoughts aloud. When we fall into executive dysfunction that internal monologue goes H.A.M. & breathes down our neck the most vile, putrid insults you can imagine. For all of the things I’ve heard from the outside while experiencing ED (lol), I promise you, what’s happening on the inside is worse. What then happens is that you fall into a loop. Negative self talk leads to negative feelings & emotions that you begin to believe about yourself & then you descend farther down the depressive spiral until eventually, hopefully, you break free. Then you’re still left to face the trauma of the occurrence & rebuild your demolished self esteem & confidence. & there in lies the last couple of weeks for me.

Each of the past few weeks I have set about the week with full intention to blog. I try & try & try to force them out but doing so feels like crawling up a mountain using only your hands. Even today I spent most of the day with a ‘to-do’ list of minimal items when I spent the morning avoiding as best I could. I’m going to be entirely honest, as I’m writing this, it is taking literally everything in me to do so, & believe you me, that sounds & feels nuts. It is taking everything in me not to leave this page mid sentence, slink onto the floor & do literally nothing for a foreseeable however long, but I’m here. Doing this. Writing the thing. Because I can’t continue not doing that. I can’t continue feeling like my ADHD is winning that it’s beating me down & stalling my progress, because it does that often. I have to, as much as it truly pains me, do something to try & break the wheel & hopefully kick back into the gear of momentum.

I think that this turned into much more serious a blog than I anticipated, but anytime I write something like this I do so to educate, not to give my excuses to the world, or to gain your sympathies. I am living an experience that so many others do & I am blessed to have a platform that allows me to share that experience out to the world in the hope that those of you who don’t understand will find a little empathy & those who do understand will find camaraderie. I literally spent three hours last Saturday staring at a blank blog sheet & could not for the life of me write a single word. I lost that day & you bet your whole ass I beat myself black & blue for it instead of giving myself grace & patience but this is a case where I want you to do as I say, not as I do. Give yourself grace & patience.

I don’t know what else to tell you my lovelies, but if you have any questions about executive dysfunction or neurodivergence in general I’d be more than happy to answer them in the comments below!

As always, much love to you all!

-C

Blog: I've Got That Summertime, Summertime Sadness.

Typically this is the type of blog that you would find popping up on my page during the colder months of the year & while those depressive bouts definitely feel different from the place I currently find myself in, I feel that this is no less relevant a topic to so many of you who read my writings. Summer is usually the time of year where I am in my emotional & energetic highs. I love the heat, I love that everything is green & lush & all of the best foods are in season. Also, being a water baby, summer offers the most opportunity for me to be submerged…comfortably. I don’t think all of that is not entirely true currently, as I feel what I’m experiencing has nothing to do with the season itself. I suppose to a degree that the title of this blog is a misnomer, as I don’t have seasonal depression as some do with the warmer months, but instead I find myself in a slump triggered by something else…it just happens to be taking place in the heat of summer.

I’ve written many times about my experience with ADHD & I feel like this is more in line with that side of my psyche than the seasonally depressed one. If you’re unfamiliar with ADHD a lot of us get what is referred to as “executive disfunction.” This form of “ED” (lol) is typically entirely driven by one of two things; dopamine or anxiety. I think I’m dealing with the former, but I’m going to talk about the latter first.

Often times people with executive dysfunction that stems from anxiety get that way because they have too much on their plate. They’re looking around, seeing all of the things they feel they need to get accomplished, & they flounder because their brain can’t figure out where to start. A lot of the time when you’re neurodivergent everything comes across as having equal importance so when you’re weighing one thing against the other your scales can come out flush. This is where the ED sets in & you find yourself breaking down & doing nothing instead of getting the things done that you needed to get done which then results in feelings of low self esteem, self worth, etc.

On the other side of this dysfunctional coin lives the dopamine drive, which people who are neurodivergent are often driven by. You see, we crave novelty, we crave change & constant moments of “oo, look at that!” which is often why people with ADHD are impulsive spenders. Autism typically manifests in the opposite way. Those who are autistic often crave stability, comfort, & constants in their lives.

I’m coming off of almost two to three months of dopamine switch backs. I worked on a single, was writing for other people, did PR & asset work for said single, helped a friend move, worked on an acoustic version of said single, started & finished another single, shot assets for it, went to Colorado, played shows, etc., etc., etc. But the line of exhilaration & burn out it the edge of a knife & I think I found myself burning out which then caused me to falter & stop, as I should which then left my dopamine & novelty meter to run out which then causes me to go in search of quick dopamine fixes; food, social media, working out, etc. With those quick fixes in place my executive function sets in because the things that take longer than five seconds to an hour or so now seem not worth the energy & the cycle perpetuates itself over & over & thus, much like the anxious style, so too does the depression.

The problem is that executive dysfunction begets executive dysfunction & the depression definitely perpetuates it as all it makes me want to do is wallow. It is a battle to get up & do anything at all, truly. Even this blog has been a sloooooooog for me & my brain to get through today as the dopamine payoff is long & delayed. (Most blogs take me about an hour & a half to two.) But unfortunately, I have to re-regulate, I have to push through the slump & do the things that take time, avoiding the quick fixes as best I can in order to get back on track which is typically much easier for me to do in the summer months because there is more going on in the world & amongst my peer groups.

As with any blog regarding my struggles with depression or my ADHD symptoms, I don’t write them for your sympathies or to make excuses for myself. What I do is share all of this because I know there are those of you out there who feel the same way I do or are dealing with similar moments in your lives. Additionally some of you may be reading this to better understand the ebb & flow of mental states of someone in your life, & if that’s what has brought you here I applaud the hell out of you & your desire to engage from an empathetic stand point.

Living in a nuerotypical oriented, ‘go, go, go’ world can be incredibly difficult for some of us & often those who find themselves aligned, mentally, with the world that capitalism has built, don’t understand what it is to not have your brain fit in the box constructed around us. I write these blogs to help educate as much as I do to help those in the same boat find commonality with a stranger on the internet.

I’ll bounce out of this, I’m sure of it. I’m in a low tide moment where the sea has receded & I’m forced to bake in the sun for a while but I know the tide will shift & I will once again be rolling in the surf.

As always, much love to you all!!!

-C