Blog: I've Got That Summertime, Summertime Sadness.

Typically this is the type of blog that you would find popping up on my page during the colder months of the year & while those depressive bouts definitely feel different from the place I currently find myself in, I feel that this is no less relevant a topic to so many of you who read my writings. Summer is usually the time of year where I am in my emotional & energetic highs. I love the heat, I love that everything is green & lush & all of the best foods are in season. Also, being a water baby, summer offers the most opportunity for me to be submerged…comfortably. I don’t think all of that is not entirely true currently, as I feel what I’m experiencing has nothing to do with the season itself. I suppose to a degree that the title of this blog is a misnomer, as I don’t have seasonal depression as some do with the warmer months, but instead I find myself in a slump triggered by something else…it just happens to be taking place in the heat of summer.

I’ve written many times about my experience with ADHD & I feel like this is more in line with that side of my psyche than the seasonally depressed one. If you’re unfamiliar with ADHD a lot of us get what is referred to as “executive disfunction.” This form of “ED” (lol) is typically entirely driven by one of two things; dopamine or anxiety. I think I’m dealing with the former, but I’m going to talk about the latter first.

Often times people with executive dysfunction that stems from anxiety get that way because they have too much on their plate. They’re looking around, seeing all of the things they feel they need to get accomplished, & they flounder because their brain can’t figure out where to start. A lot of the time when you’re neurodivergent everything comes across as having equal importance so when you’re weighing one thing against the other your scales can come out flush. This is where the ED sets in & you find yourself breaking down & doing nothing instead of getting the things done that you needed to get done which then results in feelings of low self esteem, self worth, etc.

On the other side of this dysfunctional coin lives the dopamine drive, which people who are neurodivergent are often driven by. You see, we crave novelty, we crave change & constant moments of “oo, look at that!” which is often why people with ADHD are impulsive spenders. Autism typically manifests in the opposite way. Those who are autistic often crave stability, comfort, & constants in their lives.

I’m coming off of almost two to three months of dopamine switch backs. I worked on a single, was writing for other people, did PR & asset work for said single, helped a friend move, worked on an acoustic version of said single, started & finished another single, shot assets for it, went to Colorado, played shows, etc., etc., etc. But the line of exhilaration & burn out it the edge of a knife & I think I found myself burning out which then caused me to falter & stop, as I should which then left my dopamine & novelty meter to run out which then causes me to go in search of quick dopamine fixes; food, social media, working out, etc. With those quick fixes in place my executive function sets in because the things that take longer than five seconds to an hour or so now seem not worth the energy & the cycle perpetuates itself over & over & thus, much like the anxious style, so too does the depression.

The problem is that executive dysfunction begets executive dysfunction & the depression definitely perpetuates it as all it makes me want to do is wallow. It is a battle to get up & do anything at all, truly. Even this blog has been a sloooooooog for me & my brain to get through today as the dopamine payoff is long & delayed. (Most blogs take me about an hour & a half to two.) But unfortunately, I have to re-regulate, I have to push through the slump & do the things that take time, avoiding the quick fixes as best I can in order to get back on track which is typically much easier for me to do in the summer months because there is more going on in the world & amongst my peer groups.

As with any blog regarding my struggles with depression or my ADHD symptoms, I don’t write them for your sympathies or to make excuses for myself. What I do is share all of this because I know there are those of you out there who feel the same way I do or are dealing with similar moments in your lives. Additionally some of you may be reading this to better understand the ebb & flow of mental states of someone in your life, & if that’s what has brought you here I applaud the hell out of you & your desire to engage from an empathetic stand point.

Living in a nuerotypical oriented, ‘go, go, go’ world can be incredibly difficult for some of us & often those who find themselves aligned, mentally, with the world that capitalism has built, don’t understand what it is to not have your brain fit in the box constructed around us. I write these blogs to help educate as much as I do to help those in the same boat find commonality with a stranger on the internet.

I’ll bounce out of this, I’m sure of it. I’m in a low tide moment where the sea has receded & I’m forced to bake in the sun for a while but I know the tide will shift & I will once again be rolling in the surf.

As always, much love to you all!!!

-C

Blog: Hello Seasonal Depression, Welcome Back I Guess...

TW: Depression

I honestly can’t recall what my original plan was for today’s blog. I’m certain I had it burning in the back of my mind all day until I had this prompt come zipping in. I know a lot of you who read these weekly installments of my life & thoughts also suffer from mental maladies like myself but for those of you who don’t understand seasonal depression & the way if informs your life I wanted to share this simple story.

It’s incredibly hard to explain but I can feel when autumn starts to slip in, the air & sunlight shift from the bright warmth of summer to the almost artificial feeling of the late summer/early autumn sun. Again, hard to explain, but the tinge of sunlight shifts from a bright, clear all encompassing hot to an oddly indirect yellowed glow. There’s something different in the way the air smells too, it gains a mustiness & a stuffiness.

If you have seasonal depression you know exactly what I’m talking about because it exacts a sense of overwhelming dread. You try to ignore it, but you can feel it in your bones. You can feel the sun slipping farther away & feel the days begin to shrink.

I imagine it’s a lot like how plants feel. They follow the sun from Spring into Summer & then are forced to put a pause on all of the progress & growth they’ve made with the abundance of light & retreat into themselves to winterize.

If you don’t have seasonal depression I imagine you read the above three paragraphs with a “WTF” kind of expression on your face or images of lunacy in your head but those I know with the same affliction as me can attest to this.

Anyway, I felt the sun start to slip away about a week ago, at least that’s when it became noticeable to me internally. I remember I was running errands & was outside & it just hit me out of the blue. I managed to push past the sense of dread for the time being but then it hit me again a few days later, & again this afternoon.

The dread isn’t the depression part, the sense of foreboding does not automatically equate “seasonally depressed” that’s where the next step comes in.

I was walking through the freezer section of Sprouts today, picking up some Paleo hot pockets when my Depression Kitty came walking down the aisle (Big Mouth reference, if you get it, you get it). She strolled right up to my wrapped around my shoulders & dissolved into my body & immediately I wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed & not exist.

That’s more language that I’m sure is alarming to those with those blessed by the Serotonin Gods. When I say “crawl into bed & not exist” it has nothing to do with my will or lack of will to live, at least to me. I have no intentions of self harm, I just want to not exist, to dig a dark hole & lay in it for however long it takes. Again, I’m sure to a lot of you that sounds morbid but it’s the honest truth of how depression feels to me.

During depressive states I can lay wrapped up in bed doing absolutely nothing for hours. I don’t get bored or cry or anything, I simply lay & stare at the wall. I know it sounds SOOOOO productive to our Capitalist minds but existing in the void for a little while is what it is.

Do I wish I were different? That I wasn’t afflicted by it? Of course, but so do all who have to watch “normal” people live out there lives free of the hinderances of mental illness. It’s debilitating & the reason I write about it today is to help those of you who don’t understand to have a glimpse of what it’s like & for those of you that do, to know you have a kindred spirit in me who does understand.

One of the hardest things as someone who is both neuro-divergent & afflicted by SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) is trying to make people who don’t have either understand what it’s like to be one of us. I have been blessed with the knowledge of words & the ability to convey things through them that I feel helps to put most of this in layman’s terms.

Being someone with SAD (so delicately named) can make you feel like an outsider, it can make you feel crazy, or truly detached from the world around you especially in Autumn & Early Winter. You are faced with a constant barrage of people who are so excited for the Fall or the Holidays; wearing sweaters, making soup, cozying up & you have to do your best not to let it hurt your feelings because to me & those like me, the colder months are a constant fight to keep your head above the surface, to not appear like a downer or an outsider. To people like me it often feels like celebrating the fall or winter is in some way celebrating the hardest time of the year from us & then rubbing it in our faces. Just like so many of you can’t relate to not loving all things autumn, we can’t relate to the feeling of liking it.

Let me be clear, this is not a “piss off, I don’t wanna hear about the things you like because they make me want to dissolve into a vapor,” type of post. I’m just trying to help you understand. I’m trying to help you see how your friends & loved ones who have SAD feel & maybe offer them a break or a little bit of patience.

Before I close out I know what the next line of this conversation will be; why don’t you get help? A lot of us do, myself included. During the cooler months my script for Bupropion switches from a base 150mg to 300 & that’s just to keep my head above water. There’s no simple answer to depression & what causes it & not every solution works for all of us. We still have days where just the act of getting out of bed is literally like hauling a piano up a flight of stairs even if you are medicated & at a healthy base line. Please be patient with us & know that even if we refuse your help, we always appreciate the ask. If you find yourself as someone who also finds the Earth’s gravity turned up to eleven during the cold, I see you & understand your pain. Help is out there & available, there are a ton of resources on line & many free clinics offered by civil services around the world. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, though I know how hard it can be at times.

Much love to you all as always,

Welcome to autumn I guess haha,

I’ll see you back here next week!

-C

Blog: Are You There Seasonal Depression, It's Me, Charlie!

I’m going to try & keep this blog pretty light despite the subject matter at hand. This being September, it is also Suicide Awareness Month & as someone who has definitely looked my own existence in the eye & found myself wanting just to come out the other side of it, I like to touch on the topic at least once annually throughout the month. I don’t plan to expand upon the topic of the month in this blog but I felt the need to come on & talk a little about my on going battle with the root cause of my own past self harm thoughts.

If the title of this blog weren’t indicative enough, I struggle with seasonal depression. It’s the reason for my distain of fall & winter, it’s the reason I have a hard time with the holidays, it’s the reason I want nothing more than to be a snowbird. I was reminded yesterday of my biannual condition when, while running errands, I began to feel the pull of the sun drifting farther from this hemisphere of the earth.

It’s a weird feeling & kind of hard to describe to those of you who aren’t sensitive to energies. I know that comes across as leaning metaphysical but a lot of us roaming this earth are sensitive to those types of energies. I, personally, find it very difficult to sleep during a full moon. I don’t think it has anything to do with the light but instead has more to do with the gravitational pull. Think of it as being able to sense rain. A lot of animals can feel the barometric shift in the atmosphere, some people’s joints start to become sore right before a storm. That’s how my brain works when it comes to serotonin production during the colder months. I feel the departure of the sun usually before the rest of the populous does.

I was also presented with this prompt due to the change in month. A lot of people are under the false impression that September marks the beginning of “spooky season” with technically doesn’t begin until the latter half of the month. I tend to try & cling to summer with every fiber of my being simply for the fact that I want to cling to my natural serotonin production as long as I can. Autumn often marks the turn of my mental state & it is something I dread annually.

I had the unfortunate experience of my body sensing the shift yesterday & immediately, despite my best efforts, it sent me into a debilitating depressive episode. I say all of this to inform, to give you a lens into the mind & body of those like me who dread the cold season every year. Last night seasonal depression hit me over the head like a ton of bricks & has left me trying desperately all day to shake the feeling.

I take antidepressants throughout my year but usually end up having to vamp them up from October to March. Some years are worse than others. Last winter, with all the COVID mess, it was worse than it has been in a long time. I pray this year is different. I pray this year is different for all of you out there who live with the same prognosis.

All I’m here to do is offer insight, to show & tell exactly why I have such an aversion to Autumn & Winter, to why I welcome the return of summer so fervently. I’m not going to go into the fact it also plays host to the widest array of possible activities & foods, hence summer being the best of the seasons, I’ll simply leave it at the medical & bid you all a fond weekend.

I hope each of you knows that you have value on this planet & that you mean something to someone. I know there will be times where that doesn’t shine through the gloom but light can only shine in the dark. I love each of you dearly & am glad you exist. Have a fantastic week!