Blog: Surviving The Holiday Season

No, this blog is not going to be a crash course in self defense, at least not in any physical capacity. It is, however, going to touch on how to set up proper boundaries, expectations, & how to fortify yourself as the person you are without having to diminish yourself too greatly or feel entirely othered during this often constrictive time of the year.

I suppose that it’s worth noting at the start of this little text adventure together that this is still an ongoing practice for me as well. It is far from something that I have perfected, but I wanted to share with you the advice that I’ve gotten from friends of mine or that I’ve been giving myself to try & alleviate the strain of the season that I know so many of us feel, especially this year, especially for those of us living in The United States. We are in this together, though we are separated by physical distance & shared community through a screen. This is a day by day, hour by hour, practice & it is something that you should feel free to evaluate & pivot with as the minutes tick by & as you see fit. We are here to take care of you & your sanity, not to cater to those who often can’t even vote in the interests of those they claim to have love for. We do not minimize ourselves for the sake of those who may find certain aspects of ourselves less appealing or out of line from their expectations & we do not take slights lightly or allow them to be so callously laughed off. Are you ready to begin?

So you’ve gone home for the holidays, you’re no longer in a space that feels grounding & comfortable to you. You’re already off kilter, out of wack, & tired from the travel & energy it took to get you to wherever it is you’ve ended up. We’re already starting from a place of unmooring & that can be discomforting. It can feel like you’re on edge or can immediately put you on the defense, especially if this is a place or these are people who have a history that is just waiting below the surface to be triggered. It can feel like you’re walking on hot coals as soon as you walk through the door & are immediately expected to cozy on into the version of yourself that they tolerate. I challenge you not to. Now, let’s pause here & make something clear. I’m not telling you not to be a gracious guest. Just as you are feeling off balance in someone else’s space, so too may they feel off balance with you in their space which can be off putting to both parties. What I am telling you to do is to be authentic. Don’t try to squeeze back into that box of persona that 18 year old you left when you moved away almost a decade & a half ago, they don’t exist anymore, at least not to them. Your younger self is for you to connect with on your own terms, in your own time.

The next thing we are going to do is to drop our expectations at the door & engage in a bit of realism. Not everyone is going to meet you where you’re at. Where that’s emotionally, intellectually, with the amount of energy they’re willing to put in, the amount of thought they give to gift giving, the ways in which they show up, or don’t, to try & make the holidays special. You have to realize that & either choose to continue on with a greater level of input on your side knowing full well that you’ll probably be disappointed that the effort or thought aren’t going to be reciprocated, or you have to adjust down to a level that puts you on equal footing with everyone else. The latter will probably be met with questioning, especially if you are someone who notoriously gives of themselves in different ways in an overabundance compared to the others involved. You either have to be okay with the imbalance or reduce your efforts so as to even the playing field.

Going back to that version of yourself that your relatives often associate you with or try to cram you back into, you have to have the self respect enough to resist that at every turn. You have to have the self respect to fortify your boundaries & call them out in the moments in which lines have been crossed & your feelings, your needs, your emotions, your heart, your intellect, your morals have been violated. You have to be willing to stand up for yourself & what you believe in even when it’s hard. Even when it’s uncomfortable or you risk causing a scene, you have to remember that you have value as a human being too. They may have made you the odd one out, may say things just for the sake of getting under your skin, you stand your ground & don’t back down. If the price of that is that they lose your presence, so be it. Your sanity, your ethics, your agency are more important than their comfort. Let me say that again. Your sanity, your ethics, your agency are more important than their comfort.

I challenge you to find moments. Little points in your day that allow you to recenter, refocus, & ground. To shed the burdens of the season & just be in your peace, whatever that looks like. I also think that it’s perfectly acceptable to step away as needed. Additionally, it’s perfectly acceptable to indulge in your vices during this time, especially if they’re what will help keep you sane during this time. The end of the year is stressful enough as is, then when you add all of this on top of it, it can be a lot. I’m not telling you to get hammered every day or the whole time, but if you know a cocktail will help take the edge off or something from a greener pasture, fire away. Honestly. Disassociate for a minute, go for a “cousin walk” by yourself, spike the hot chocolate. Do what needs to be done to preserve the baseline of your ability to cope with all of this.

Sometimes the answer is disengaging altogether. I have several friends who are staying home this year. They’re not traveling to see family & instead are creating their own ideal holidays at home. I applaud them for this. In each scenario in which this is being done they have family members who refuse to respect their beliefs or what they believe to be morally right. They treat their kids like kids even though they’re in the 30s & self sustaining. They badger & prod & mock the dismay & the pain of their children & I am proud of each of them for standing up for themselves, saying enough is enough, & conserving their peace. You don’t owe anyone your submission or your quiet just because that’s the response they expect, especially when they’ll do anything to make you the joke of your beliefs. It is entirely valid to just not show up at all. To disengage entirely & embrace your chosen family. Remember the saying is not “blood is thicker than water,” it’s “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.”

As I mentioned above, I don’t have all the answers, these are mostly just practices that I’m trying to be better with myself. Naturally each of these is not going to be the appropriate response for everyone, use your discretion & discernment to understand what to employ & what to set aside or abandon.

I pray that each of you have a blessed & easy going holiday season this year. Hell, I pray that for myself. If that turns out to not be an option, I pray you have the strength to stand your ground & be bold in your convictions. Remember that often times conflict is actually what strengthens bonds of intimacy, not necessarily the other way around. All that is forged to extreme strength must first go through extreme pressure, whether that applies to you personally or the relationships in your life.

As Always, Much Love To You All,

Happy Holidays,

-C

Blog: Finding Peace At The Bottom Of Ocean

I just landed in Burbank an hour or two ago & now sit basking in the mid-80s summer sun, typing out this blog on an iPad, a practice in patience compared to my normal full keyboard laptop. The reason that I am sans laptop is because I have done my best to pack minimal luggage even though a part of my voyage, the current leg, is meant to be for work. My minimalist packing approach this go round is because the second leg of my trip is taking me to Fiji on a scuba diving excursion.

While still fairly green to the leisurely sport of scuba, it has become an instant fascination of mine, & something I seem to have a knack for. I’ve been certified for just over a year & some change & have logged around ten total dive, this coming week I’ll be adding around fifteen more to that total!

So why the blog about Scuba diving? Well, aside from it being on my brain (I spent last night checking all of my gear & packing it meticulously before spending the morning lugging it around airports & North Hollywood), I often get the same set of questions when conversation shifts to diving. So I figured I’d dive, pun intended, into the topic on here!

I’ve always claimed a saltwater soul, I say if I spend too long away from an ocean I start to dry out & in a lot of ways that rings true. When I’m away from the ocean I feel my muscles slowly tense, my bones ache, & my skin yearns for sun. I find my peace below the surface, drifting in the currents.

I’ve swam almost the entirety of my life & I’m rather good at it! I would also definitely say that I’m built like a swimmer, triangular body & all. I, much like many millennials, had a fascination with the ocean & thought I’d grow up into a Marine Biologist some day. I even looked at going to school in San Diego, Hawaii, or Corpus Cristi to study Marine Biology & Veterinary Science. Essentially I wanted Adam Sandler’s job from the film 50 First Dates. Naturally my life took a different course, as here I sit creative writing preparing for writing sessions & such.

I don’t know why it took me so long to get dive certified, it was always something I found myself envious of anytime anyone I knew would talk about dives they’d done. My certification came as a gift actually, a suggestion from my parents as a birthday gift for my 28th year. I immediately took to it.

I got the course work & pool dives done at the same time as my father in Kansas before getting my open water certification in Maui. After that I added a few more dives in Maui as well as a few in Puerto Rico.

The most common question that I seem to get from non-divers is “aren’t you scared?” In short, no.

I do have to admit, my first non-shore dive, my first boat dive, I was nervous, even apprehensive about plunging ‘blindly’ into the ocean below. I knew that there would be a great distance between my entry & any obstacles such as reef or the bottom but it was the slight fear of being completely ‘exposed,’ of not having the beach as a safety line or a convenient escape back to land.

Once I was in the water, 40 feet down, & fluttering along that fear quickly dissipated. Now anytime I step into the depths unknown waiting below I feel nothing but excitement! Why? Because in diving I have gone past the previous limits I had in satiating my saltwater soul & have found a peace that seeps deep into my soul.

The cool thing about scuba, the obvious things aside, is that it allows you a state of neutral buoyancy. It allows you to float suspended in the water & grants you a state of true weightlessness. In addition to the beautiful, untapped surroundings, you now essentially get to experience the most basic feeling of aquatic life. Your plain of orientation is no longer limited to where your feet & gravity allow, you are free to truly navigate three dimensional space unrestrained.

The next great fear of folks seems to be that of the wildlife, mostly where sharks are concerned. There’s a term I’ve picked up on in my limited time diving that I hear circling around from time to time. Sea Puppies. That’s what some people who spend a lot of time diving or doing ocean related research have nicknamed sharks. You see you are more likely to die by being attacked by a cow or are more likely to be struck by lightning then you are to be bitten by a shark. Not killed, bitten.

Are sharks apex predators? Yes. Should they be respected as such? Absolutely. But just because you respect something doesn’t mean you need to fear it, just know the signs & be respectful of the animals & you’ll be more than fine!

The only fear that has crept into my mind where diving is concerned is that of the unknown. I have yet to do a dive where I cannot see the bottom, I have yet to do a dive at night & if I’m being honest, both of these scenarios frighten me, but much like my first step off the boat into deeper water, I know once I’ve checked the box it will no longer be a fear of mine.

This is something I’ve tried to adapt to my life of late. I’ve written on the topic a few times now but my friend Stephen Lovegrove always says “if it terrifies you, it’s probably the right step.” So take the step. Step off the boat into the open ocean, because often times unexplainable peace & serenity await you on the other side!

So something this week that scares you but that you know is the right step, I believe in you!

Let’s me know what that step ends up being for you & as always, much love to you all!

-C

Blog: Lover In The Sheets, Bigot In The Streets

Hi folks, how’re we doing? I hope the answer is incredible!

Earlier this week I had the privilege of consuming Homecoming King by Hasan Minhaj, his hour & some change comedy special on Netflix. In said comedy special Hasan effortlessly balances comedy & tragedy by telling the story of his life as an Islamic Indian American living in California. Hasan’s experience that he describes has a definite through line that carries across time & is still very poignant today, despite most of it having happened over ten to fifteen years ago. It is a point that I found extremely relevant to our modern political climate here in the state, though I think it translates overseas as well. Hasan, who rose to prominence through The Daily Show with John Stewart as well as his own show, Patriot Act, lays out this ostracizing of groups he refers to as “the other” within American society & highlights a problem that many of us who identify as “not racist” seem to want to ignore. I think this blog will end up being something similar to my blog regarding LGBTQIA+ affirmation but it incorporates the broader topic of not only sexuality or gender identify but also race. These topics have commonalities, though they are altogether inherently different. However, for the sake of this argument, for the sake of “the other” we’ll be incorporating the two together as I’d like to further add to Hasan’s point. I think the best place to start here is with the simplicity that Hasan distills this down to. One simple phrase that I’m sure we’ve all heard or thought;

What. Will. People. Think?

You see in Hasan’s narrative he comes face to face with two very distinct types of racism; having his family threatened & the windows of their car smashed out the evening of September 11th, 2001, and not being allowed to take his white date to prom because there were going to be pictures, evidence she had gone with someone they considered to be “other.” Naturally I’d like to focus on the latter here as the former, while it still runs rampant, at the very least is outwardly & actively frowned upon by those who actually have a brain between their ears. I want to talk about that silent form of bigotry, the kind that sneaks up, that makes you lock your car doors in that “bad” neighborhood, the kind that says “love the sinner, not the sin,” the kind that causes you to save face. That’s they kind I want to shine a light on here.

You see the most heartbreaking part about Hasan’s story, to me, is not necessarily that it happened, because any person of color will tell you, racism happens just as any LGBTQIA+ person will tell you homophobia/transphobia happen, just as any non-christian will tell you xenophobia happens. (Not that it’s okay that they do, but they do happen.) The thing that is heartbreaking is that Hasan thought these people were different; this was a white family who under normal circumstances had welcomed him into their home, had broken bread with him, treated him like an equal, had gone as far as to tell him they loved him but when it came time to do so in the public eye their love had conditions. Hasan couldn’t go to prom with their daughter not because “they didn’t love him” or think he was a stand up lad but because there would be pictures of them together, people would see their daughter with someone they considered to be a part of “the other.” At first a lot of us may be thinking, shame on them, I would never, & that may be true, you may never but I can’t help think further down the rabbit hole on this.

Let me ask you this. How many queer individuals have “accepting” parents that introduce their partner as their friend or roommate? How non-binary or trans individuals have people in their lives that don’t honor their chosen pronouns? How many people exclude a particular person because they wouldn’t fit the rest of the group simply based on their racial or religious background? How many keep in tact the boys club solely on merit or shame other cultures simply because they don’t understand them & have no interest in trying to? Isn’t it amazing how loud actions often contradict the words of those who claim to not have fear or prejudice living in their hearts?

What will people think?

Screw that.

Who the hell cares?!

Love with conditions is neither love nor is it worth your time. If your precious image is more important to you than loving another human, and I mean truly loving them as they are, not as you’d like them to be or as society or your faith says you should then you are no better than those who scream slurs from the side of the street. Be better. Choose to be better, choose love first, we’d all be a lot better off.

Much love to you all,

Thanks for reading!