Welp. It’s here again, that time of the year when the gnashing jaws of capitalism rear their ugly head & demand our consumption. I promise that I’m not that much of a nihilist when it comes to the holiday season, but I have been shamelessly honest in the past about my misgivings around it. Despite all of my feelings around this time of year, I am, as I’ve been told for many, many years, an excellent gift giver. So, I thought I would pass along my expertise & advice to those of you out there who are looking to up the ante this holiday season.
Naturally this will also extend outside of the November/December/January months of the year into the whole of the calendar. After all there are birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, housewarmings, promotions, weddings, & just daily “thinking of you’s” to consider. So many occasions that require us to put our thinking caps on, even in the slightest bit, & break away from the gift cards & the whatever other generally thoughtless gifts you may be considering giving. Come on y’all, relationships require effort, let’s put some in.
I think it’s also worth noting that I wrote a similar blog on this topic a couple of years ago called “It’s Giving…Gifts” but I felt that I had gained more knowledge & understanding around the topic since I last wrote about it & think I have further nailed down what it is that makes someone a great gift giver! So I wanted to expand upon what I already said, as well as whittle down to the core of the issue here.
The first thing we’re going to do is throw out that list. Well, at least the list that was provided to you. BIG DISCLAIMER HERE. If you were presented said list as a parent/guardian, or someone in a higher tax bracket than the recipient in question, definitely get some things off the list, BUT also don’t be afraid to go off the beaten path a bit. Most of your friends, your peers, your siblings, whomever, are typically on a similar financial playing field to you & often times I find, especially as I get older, that if people want something, like actually want it, they will get it themselves. If they want it & haven’t bought it for themselves it is likely outside of their current financial means & they are asking because they want others to help support them with the acquisition of whatever item or service it is they are asking to be gifted.
Okay, we’ve ditched the list after taking an honest look at our financial standing & its relation to whomever is receiving the gift in question. Now what? What do you gift someone if they don’t hand you the ultimate shopping list cheat sheet? This, dear reader, is where we have to use our heads.
I want to establish a few ground rules here. The first is that clothing is hard to buy for people for the most part. Everyone has particular taste, everyone has different brands that fit them in different ways that make them feel more or less ‘desirable’ or comfortable in their own skin. Unless you know the person & have A., either gone clothing shopping with them & bought them the thing they loved but wouldn’t buy themselves. Or B., have gifted them clothing in the past to an almost untouched success rate where they don’t return & actually where the clothing you’ve bought them, we won’t buying clothes. Read that again, especially if you fall in the 35 & up category. I don’t know why those in the latter half of our life expectancies insist on passing our (often lack of) fashion sense onto others, but I promise you, majority of the niceties & thank you’s are often being returned within the next week, hopefully for cash or at least a gift card to a store we’ll actually buy something else from. Perfect slight segway right there for the buyers out there. Don’t buy a taste based gift (clothing, furniture, art, etc.) from a place where someone can’t return it for something they’d actually want. No one wants to wander around a store they’d never go into with a return gift card in a desperate search for something they might actually use or wear.
The next rule is around gifts that require time. Unless it has been specifically specified, talked about, or wished for, do not buy anyone anything that requires their time. This includes lessons of any kind, experiences, classes, excursions, events. A prime example of this comes from two gifts that I gifted Evan over the last two years. He had talked a lot about wanting to learn to throw pottery. I booked us an intro to wheel class. He said to me “I wish I had a studio I didn’t care about getting dirty or having paint everywhere so I could splatter paint,” I found & booked us a splatter paint room for this coming week. Those are examples of times when this is acceptable. “Aw geez, I wish I could see so & so in concert.” Tickets are now acceptable. “Man, I’d love to learn lapidary.” Sessions booked. The other aspect of this rule, especially where classes are concerned, is I recommend booking something that allows you to go with them so that it’s not just you sending them off into the unknown to do this thing they have definitely told you they’d like to do.
The third rule of good gift giving is a simple one. Give something personal. Something that either says “I saw this & it made me think of you” or has a personal touch & leans into something you know they like. “This is my favorite candle, I know you also like candles in a similar scent profile, I think you’d enjoy this.” “I know cheesecake is your favorite dessert, I made you one.” “I know your dog passed this last year, I went in & found a gorgeous photo of them that you posted & had a print made of it.” Remember, this is not about you. I think that’s where a lot of us get hung up. It’s not “I like this so you must too,” it’s “I know that you like something like this, I really liked this one & it made me think of you.”
You have to remove yourself from the equation. I think so many of us gift buy either because we have to & we just go “uh, here” or we gift with the subconscious, underlying intent that our gift will make the person in question like us more. Neither of these are the point. We are gifting out of love, as an extension of the love or fondness we share for that person. We are gifting to enrich their lives in a way in which we know that this other person already has an interest or a love for the things they are being given. You should be gifting without the expectation that the gift will do anything other than make the other person feel something positive. Whether that's joy, excitement, entertained, calm, enriched, relaxed, cared for, seen, or even melancholic in some instances (see deceased dog photo above), your job as a gift giver is to remove yourself from the equation & be the catalyst for something that warms the heart for someone else. Get out of your own way & your own head. Not everyone likes cucumber melon candles just because you do, not everyone wants to read a book from that problematic figure turned author that you read. Know the people you are gifting to & show them that they are known to you, even if it’s in the smallest of ways.
Now I want to offer you my advice. How exactly do you pick a gift that makes someone feel seen? Well, the first step to that is that you actually have to be a good listener or at least a good observer. What have they talked about at length in the past? What are the things they love? The movies, the music, the locations, the bottles of wine, the candles, the things they collect. What can you contribute to their lives, in those areas, that isn’t just clutter or garbage? For the most part I advise steering clear of anything mass produced or kitchy in the franchise department. No “I know you love Star Wars, I bought you socks or mass produced cups in a set from Target.” Instead let’s take another angle. “I know you love Star Wars so I ordered these custom Millennium Falcon cuff links.” Or, in the same vein, Evan a couple of years ago bought me a custom lightsaber, because I’d always wanted one. Was it practical or entirely necessary for my life? Not at all. Do I still love that he did that? Absolutely.
The cheat when it comes to being a good observer & listener is keeping a list. When something comes across your lap that makes you think of someone else & say “oh, I bet they’d love that” write it down in a note or just go ahead & buy it & save it for a special event. I have a running list in my phone for each prominent person in my life. When they mention something they’d love but will probably never buy themselves because bills & life take the priority, write it down. When you find something that makes you think of them, write it down. That way when the time comes for you to get them something you have a ton of options.
Gift giving doesn’t have to be hard or scary. In fact I think that it should be entirely the opposite. It should be joyous & done as an extension for your love for that person, not out of obligation. I think most of us would rather have someone get us nothing than something that shows us they don’t really know us or care to know us deeply enough to show it. Receiving a gift for the sake of the gift is never a fulfilling experience for either party, so don’t let that be your MO as a gift giver. Do better. Be better. Listen more. Take note. Show the people in your life that they are more than just a box to check off on your “to-gift” list.
As always, much love to you all,
-C