Blog: Surviving The Holiday Season

No, this blog is not going to be a crash course in self defense, at least not in any physical capacity. It is, however, going to touch on how to set up proper boundaries, expectations, & how to fortify yourself as the person you are without having to diminish yourself too greatly or feel entirely othered during this often constrictive time of the year.

I suppose that it’s worth noting at the start of this little text adventure together that this is still an ongoing practice for me as well. It is far from something that I have perfected, but I wanted to share with you the advice that I’ve gotten from friends of mine or that I’ve been giving myself to try & alleviate the strain of the season that I know so many of us feel, especially this year, especially for those of us living in The United States. We are in this together, though we are separated by physical distance & shared community through a screen. This is a day by day, hour by hour, practice & it is something that you should feel free to evaluate & pivot with as the minutes tick by & as you see fit. We are here to take care of you & your sanity, not to cater to those who often can’t even vote in the interests of those they claim to have love for. We do not minimize ourselves for the sake of those who may find certain aspects of ourselves less appealing or out of line from their expectations & we do not take slights lightly or allow them to be so callously laughed off. Are you ready to begin?

So you’ve gone home for the holidays, you’re no longer in a space that feels grounding & comfortable to you. You’re already off kilter, out of wack, & tired from the travel & energy it took to get you to wherever it is you’ve ended up. We’re already starting from a place of unmooring & that can be discomforting. It can feel like you’re on edge or can immediately put you on the defense, especially if this is a place or these are people who have a history that is just waiting below the surface to be triggered. It can feel like you’re walking on hot coals as soon as you walk through the door & are immediately expected to cozy on into the version of yourself that they tolerate. I challenge you not to. Now, let’s pause here & make something clear. I’m not telling you not to be a gracious guest. Just as you are feeling off balance in someone else’s space, so too may they feel off balance with you in their space which can be off putting to both parties. What I am telling you to do is to be authentic. Don’t try to squeeze back into that box of persona that 18 year old you left when you moved away almost a decade & a half ago, they don’t exist anymore, at least not to them. Your younger self is for you to connect with on your own terms, in your own time.

The next thing we are going to do is to drop our expectations at the door & engage in a bit of realism. Not everyone is going to meet you where you’re at. Where that’s emotionally, intellectually, with the amount of energy they’re willing to put in, the amount of thought they give to gift giving, the ways in which they show up, or don’t, to try & make the holidays special. You have to realize that & either choose to continue on with a greater level of input on your side knowing full well that you’ll probably be disappointed that the effort or thought aren’t going to be reciprocated, or you have to adjust down to a level that puts you on equal footing with everyone else. The latter will probably be met with questioning, especially if you are someone who notoriously gives of themselves in different ways in an overabundance compared to the others involved. You either have to be okay with the imbalance or reduce your efforts so as to even the playing field.

Going back to that version of yourself that your relatives often associate you with or try to cram you back into, you have to have the self respect enough to resist that at every turn. You have to have the self respect to fortify your boundaries & call them out in the moments in which lines have been crossed & your feelings, your needs, your emotions, your heart, your intellect, your morals have been violated. You have to be willing to stand up for yourself & what you believe in even when it’s hard. Even when it’s uncomfortable or you risk causing a scene, you have to remember that you have value as a human being too. They may have made you the odd one out, may say things just for the sake of getting under your skin, you stand your ground & don’t back down. If the price of that is that they lose your presence, so be it. Your sanity, your ethics, your agency are more important than their comfort. Let me say that again. Your sanity, your ethics, your agency are more important than their comfort.

I challenge you to find moments. Little points in your day that allow you to recenter, refocus, & ground. To shed the burdens of the season & just be in your peace, whatever that looks like. I also think that it’s perfectly acceptable to step away as needed. Additionally, it’s perfectly acceptable to indulge in your vices during this time, especially if they’re what will help keep you sane during this time. The end of the year is stressful enough as is, then when you add all of this on top of it, it can be a lot. I’m not telling you to get hammered every day or the whole time, but if you know a cocktail will help take the edge off or something from a greener pasture, fire away. Honestly. Disassociate for a minute, go for a “cousin walk” by yourself, spike the hot chocolate. Do what needs to be done to preserve the baseline of your ability to cope with all of this.

Sometimes the answer is disengaging altogether. I have several friends who are staying home this year. They’re not traveling to see family & instead are creating their own ideal holidays at home. I applaud them for this. In each scenario in which this is being done they have family members who refuse to respect their beliefs or what they believe to be morally right. They treat their kids like kids even though they’re in the 30s & self sustaining. They badger & prod & mock the dismay & the pain of their children & I am proud of each of them for standing up for themselves, saying enough is enough, & conserving their peace. You don’t owe anyone your submission or your quiet just because that’s the response they expect, especially when they’ll do anything to make you the joke of your beliefs. It is entirely valid to just not show up at all. To disengage entirely & embrace your chosen family. Remember the saying is not “blood is thicker than water,” it’s “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.”

As I mentioned above, I don’t have all the answers, these are mostly just practices that I’m trying to be better with myself. Naturally each of these is not going to be the appropriate response for everyone, use your discretion & discernment to understand what to employ & what to set aside or abandon.

I pray that each of you have a blessed & easy going holiday season this year. Hell, I pray that for myself. If that turns out to not be an option, I pray you have the strength to stand your ground & be bold in your convictions. Remember that often times conflict is actually what strengthens bonds of intimacy, not necessarily the other way around. All that is forged to extreme strength must first go through extreme pressure, whether that applies to you personally or the relationships in your life.

As Always, Much Love To You All,

Happy Holidays,

-C

Blog: Charlie's Guide to Thoughtful Gift Giving

Welp. It’s here again, that time of the year when the gnashing jaws of capitalism rear their ugly head & demand our consumption. I promise that I’m not that much of a nihilist when it comes to the holiday season, but I have been shamelessly honest in the past about my misgivings around it. Despite all of my feelings around this time of year, I am, as I’ve been told for many, many years, an excellent gift giver. So, I thought I would pass along my expertise & advice to those of you out there who are looking to up the ante this holiday season.

Naturally this will also extend outside of the November/December/January months of the year into the whole of the calendar. After all there are birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, housewarmings, promotions, weddings, & just daily “thinking of you’s” to consider. So many occasions that require us to put our thinking caps on, even in the slightest bit, & break away from the gift cards & the whatever other generally thoughtless gifts you may be considering giving. Come on y’all, relationships require effort, let’s put some in.

I think it’s also worth noting that I wrote a similar blog on this topic a couple of years ago called “It’s Giving…Gifts” but I felt that I had gained more knowledge & understanding around the topic since I last wrote about it & think I have further nailed down what it is that makes someone a great gift giver! So I wanted to expand upon what I already said, as well as whittle down to the core of the issue here.

The first thing we’re going to do is throw out that list. Well, at least the list that was provided to you. BIG DISCLAIMER HERE. If you were presented said list as a parent/guardian, or someone in a higher tax bracket than the recipient in question, definitely get some things off the list, BUT also don’t be afraid to go off the beaten path a bit. Most of your friends, your peers, your siblings, whomever, are typically on a similar financial playing field to you & often times I find, especially as I get older, that if people want something, like actually want it, they will get it themselves. If they want it & haven’t bought it for themselves it is likely outside of their current financial means & they are asking because they want others to help support them with the acquisition of whatever item or service it is they are asking to be gifted.

Okay, we’ve ditched the list after taking an honest look at our financial standing & its relation to whomever is receiving the gift in question. Now what? What do you gift someone if they don’t hand you the ultimate shopping list cheat sheet? This, dear reader, is where we have to use our heads.

I want to establish a few ground rules here. The first is that clothing is hard to buy for people for the most part. Everyone has particular taste, everyone has different brands that fit them in different ways that make them feel more or less ‘desirable’ or comfortable in their own skin. Unless you know the person & have A., either gone clothing shopping with them & bought them the thing they loved but wouldn’t buy themselves. Or B., have gifted them clothing in the past to an almost untouched success rate where they don’t return & actually where the clothing you’ve bought them, we won’t buying clothes. Read that again, especially if you fall in the 35 & up category. I don’t know why those in the latter half of our life expectancies insist on passing our (often lack of) fashion sense onto others, but I promise you, majority of the niceties & thank you’s are often being returned within the next week, hopefully for cash or at least a gift card to a store we’ll actually buy something else from. Perfect slight segway right there for the buyers out there. Don’t buy a taste based gift (clothing, furniture, art, etc.) from a place where someone can’t return it for something they’d actually want. No one wants to wander around a store they’d never go into with a return gift card in a desperate search for something they might actually use or wear.

The next rule is around gifts that require time. Unless it has been specifically specified, talked about, or wished for, do not buy anyone anything that requires their time. This includes lessons of any kind, experiences, classes, excursions, events. A prime example of this comes from two gifts that I gifted Evan over the last two years. He had talked a lot about wanting to learn to throw pottery. I booked us an intro to wheel class. He said to me “I wish I had a studio I didn’t care about getting dirty or having paint everywhere so I could splatter paint,” I found & booked us a splatter paint room for this coming week. Those are examples of times when this is acceptable. “Aw geez, I wish I could see so & so in concert.” Tickets are now acceptable. “Man, I’d love to learn lapidary.” Sessions booked. The other aspect of this rule, especially where classes are concerned, is I recommend booking something that allows you to go with them so that it’s not just you sending them off into the unknown to do this thing they have definitely told you they’d like to do.

The third rule of good gift giving is a simple one. Give something personal. Something that either says “I saw this & it made me think of you” or has a personal touch & leans into something you know they like. “This is my favorite candle, I know you also like candles in a similar scent profile, I think you’d enjoy this.” “I know cheesecake is your favorite dessert, I made you one.” “I know your dog passed this last year, I went in & found a gorgeous photo of them that you posted & had a print made of it.” Remember, this is not about you. I think that’s where a lot of us get hung up. It’s not “I like this so you must too,” it’s “I know that you like something like this, I really liked this one & it made me think of you.”

You have to remove yourself from the equation. I think so many of us gift buy either because we have to & we just go “uh, here” or we gift with the subconscious, underlying intent that our gift will make the person in question like us more. Neither of these are the point. We are gifting out of love, as an extension of the love or fondness we share for that person. We are gifting to enrich their lives in a way in which we know that this other person already has an interest or a love for the things they are being given. You should be gifting without the expectation that the gift will do anything other than make the other person feel something positive. Whether that's joy, excitement, entertained, calm, enriched, relaxed, cared for, seen, or even melancholic in some instances (see deceased dog photo above), your job as a gift giver is to remove yourself from the equation & be the catalyst for something that warms the heart for someone else. Get out of your own way & your own head. Not everyone likes cucumber melon candles just because you do, not everyone wants to read a book from that problematic figure turned author that you read. Know the people you are gifting to & show them that they are known to you, even if it’s in the smallest of ways.

Now I want to offer you my advice. How exactly do you pick a gift that makes someone feel seen? Well, the first step to that is that you actually have to be a good listener or at least a good observer. What have they talked about at length in the past? What are the things they love? The movies, the music, the locations, the bottles of wine, the candles, the things they collect. What can you contribute to their lives, in those areas, that isn’t just clutter or garbage? For the most part I advise steering clear of anything mass produced or kitchy in the franchise department. No “I know you love Star Wars, I bought you socks or mass produced cups in a set from Target.” Instead let’s take another angle. “I know you love Star Wars so I ordered these custom Millennium Falcon cuff links.” Or, in the same vein, Evan a couple of years ago bought me a custom lightsaber, because I’d always wanted one. Was it practical or entirely necessary for my life? Not at all. Do I still love that he did that? Absolutely.

The cheat when it comes to being a good observer & listener is keeping a list. When something comes across your lap that makes you think of someone else & say “oh, I bet they’d love that” write it down in a note or just go ahead & buy it & save it for a special event. I have a running list in my phone for each prominent person in my life. When they mention something they’d love but will probably never buy themselves because bills & life take the priority, write it down. When you find something that makes you think of them, write it down. That way when the time comes for you to get them something you have a ton of options.

Gift giving doesn’t have to be hard or scary. In fact I think that it should be entirely the opposite. It should be joyous & done as an extension for your love for that person, not out of obligation. I think most of us would rather have someone get us nothing than something that shows us they don’t really know us or care to know us deeply enough to show it. Receiving a gift for the sake of the gift is never a fulfilling experience for either party, so don’t let that be your MO as a gift giver. Do better. Be better. Listen more. Take note. Show the people in your life that they are more than just a box to check off on your “to-gift” list.

As always, much love to you all,

-C

Blog: It's Giving...Gifts

Early this week I stumbled upon a post that talked about the anthropology behind gift giving & how we each have our own set of expectations & traditions that go along with them. The post was weighing the merits of whether or not children should all sit around watching the birthday child at a party open the gifts they’ve received from their friends or not. Apparently, a lot of modern parents are stowing the gifts away until the termination of the party, having the child open them up once all of the other kids have left, & then going through later or the next day & thanking people for the specific gift interpersonally instead of publicly. This allows kids & parents to not feel a specific pressure to match the assumed gifts that other children will give, it also allows each gift giver to feel they’ve contributed something without knowing whether or not they’ve been “one upped.” This then opened up a further dialogue about gift giving & the social contracts there in which then led me to want to share my two cents regarding this season we’re now in in which so many of us are buying & exchanging gifts with one another.

Another thing that the poster in question mentioned, of whose name I wish I could remember so that I could credit them for the points being discussed in these few paragraphs, is the idea the it is not actually the thought that counts where gift giving is concerned & I honestly couldn’t agree more. You see, I am someone who gives gifts not just to give them, but because I feel on some level, they represent how invested we are in the lives of those with whom we dote upon. Your gifts, in my mind, should come from a place of understanding who the recipient is, what they like, how they feel about certain things, what their interests are, etc. & should also have love & understanding behind them. A hollow gift is simply that, a hollow gesture with no meaning & no feeling behind it & if I’m the recipient in question, often times, I’d rather you just not get me anything at all.

To some of you that may sound ungrateful, it may sound privileged or cold, but I never said that the gift in question had to be something expensive or that required buckets of time, I simply think that if you give someone a gift it should be from a place of love & understanding that shows “I value you as a human being & a companion & this item or act made me think of you.” In my experience, hollow gifts end up either being returned, thrown away, given away, or hidden away because as Marie Condo would say “they don’t spark joy.”

Now does every gift have to be the most thoughtful, considerate thing on the planet? No, but going the little extra mile to show someone you listen to them & place stock in your relationship by valuing the things that make them unique, does go a long way farther, in most cases, to just buying them the thing they asked for or the thing they need.

Not everyone is the greatest of gift givers, I understand that, & if you yourself struggle with these things that’s why lists are made. If your idea is to gift something cheap (we’re not talking financially cheap), something you think would be a huge risk on whether or not they’d like it, or something non-specific that falls most often into the ‘interests’ category of the person (think just random merchandise from a franchise or random items that are branded to be representative of a part of a person’s individual expression) then I say stick to the list. It’s there for a reason & while you probably won’t end up being the top of the list for things received, they will at least still love & appreciate the gift in question.

Naturally all of this is entirely subjective & you may disagree with me on all fronts, but a someone who frequently gets called one of the greatest gift givers out there *toss toss, I feel I have a handle on the art involved here that will help you all to step things up for your loved ones this holiday season. Nothing needs to be bought, if you feel you can make something heartwarming from the things you have at home that still expresses an understanding towards an individual, by all means, go for it! Think “oh, I know you love bananas foster so I made you bananas foster cookies” or “I know you’ve been looking for some art pieces to have around the house that are expressive of your interests AND of who you are as a person AND your personal sense of style, so I made you this.” Homemade gifts are often the best kind.

I hope this sheds a little light for those of you out there wracking your brains for gifts this year, just think of the person & the things that make them unique, especially if they’re the things that you love about them, & riff off of that! You’ve got this, I believe in you!

As always, much love,

-C