Blog: *Insert Title Here

To be honest, I’m here staring at my screen, watching the place indicator blink on what was a previously blank page with the word “blog:” typed in the title slot above. It’s been that way for about an hour now & while I don’t know if anything will come of it, I figured it was better for me to just start typing & figure the rest out along the way. I don’t know what this will be, if it will be anything at all. I can’t promise you that it will be worth your time to read or that it will change your mind about some goings on in the world at the moment, I’m just a guy sat at his computer, desperately trying to squeeze some creative juice onto a virtual page. At the end of the day is that enough? Is my lack of prophetic insight this week enough to classify it as content, is it enough to keep those who read this virtual collection of thoughts & experiences satiated for another week? I don’t know, but here I am, still typing away.

Maybe this will end up being more of a brain dump, at least that’s the direction it seems to be going following that previous paragraph. What meta commentary I have for you all this week. But I don’t outwardly know what I have that is exciting for me to talk about with you all, & maybe that’s okay too.

A part of me is sitting here saying “just delete the whole thing & go do something else, no one is going to want to read this nonsense, just call off the blog for this week until you have something interesting to say.” Then there’s another side of me telling me that that is a cop out. That I need to power through & put data to page simply for the act of doing so & to hell with the idea that having it be accepted by anyone as a genuine ‘blog entry.’ I can’t dictate how you feel about it any more than it seems I can come up for an idea for this week’s entry. But to some extent, isn’t this an idea?

Isn’t my rambling, my word vomit, some form of an idea? Because if I’m being frank, I want you to relate to me. Selfishly I want you to read this & understand & empathize with what it is to stare your weekly commitments in the face & come up dry with anything that you deem is of value. Which, let’s face it, we all can relate to.

If you’ve made it this far & haven’t snuck out on me, I applaud you & I guess I also thank you for your time & whatever persistence is driving you through this borderline nihilistic hogwash I am putting us all through. I can’t make promises that next week’s blog will be better or more interesting or that I’ll have a better grasp on a concept to present you all with because I don’t know those things & typically when I sit down to write with no knowing of where the blog will take my I eventually come up with something, but my inspiration is fleeting today it seems. Sorry for the run on sentence.

I don’t know if I can pull some profound meaning out of all of this for us to tie up in a neat little bow, nor am I sure that I want to, because in a lot of ways that would feel inauthentic & I fear would present me as a pontificating try hard. I truly don’t know where or when to wrap this or even why I continue typing as I am, but it is what it is I suppose.

I could, in theory, relate this all back to what it is to be a creative, to be expected to ‘turn on’ my creativity like a light switch, but that feels like playing the martyr, when in reality I’m so blessed to be able to do this. I’m blessed to have readers who return to this place like Nic Kidman in an AMC ad (at least that’s how I imagine it), I’m blessed to have the ability to afford a laptop, internet, a squarespace subscription, a domain, that allows me to have this public voice. I’m blessed to have a creative mind that I get to squeeze from time to time & I’m blessed with the aspects of myself that have drawn you all in to reading this, to listening to my songs, to liking my photos, etc. Again, no idea where I’m going with all of this.

I’m curious though. As I think this will be one of the last paragraphs of this open journey entry what this blog has left you with. What has it made you feel? What emotions has it brought up? Do you feel that I wasted your time or did you find some form of solace & comradery in my musings? Please let me know, if anything this blog has piqued my curiosity in the inner workings of you all & how you depart these brief sessions we share together each week.

As always,

Much love to you all,

…sorry I didn’t have something more interesting to say,

-C

Blog: Feeling Caught In The In-Between

I’m sitting here in my living room on a rainy mid-summer Friday afternoon in Nashville, TN, contemplating whether or not to go to an album release show that I was invited to this evening. Under normal circumstances the show would be a no brainer but when considering the rain (it’s outside) & the massive wave of COVID-19 Tennessee is currently facing I’m more than hesitant & that’s where I’ve been caught the last little while, in “the in-between.”

I’m going to once again apologize for my blog absence the last couple of weeks, I was spending time with family & was under the weather, which seems to be my new normal these days. It seems every time I leave Nashville I’m faced with the same questions; How is music going? When are you touring next? When does your next project come out? And these are questions I’d truly love to have answers to. It’s not from a lack of trying or a lack of interest or desire that my life feels held back from these things but it is more a feeling of responsibility.

As I’ve said in previous blogs, I took the pandemic very seriously, having a lot of family members in the medical fields & a lot of people I care for with auto-immune diseases, in addition to my own respiratory issues, I quarantined & masked up. As an artist, someone who is trying to make it in this business, that was hard. It was hard not only from the standpoint of having to halt any forward momentum I was having but also hard because I saw so many of my peers acting as if nothing had changed & going about business as usual, which I guess brings us to now.

I am vaccinated, I’ll happily proclaim that. I got injected as soon as I possibly could. I am also someone who has grown tired of this “anti-vax/anti-mask” movement & am 100% in favor of mask or vaccine mandates for businesses. I’m tired of sitting on the sidelines trying to be the good person who does what they can to help other people around me instead of whining about my freedoms but alas, those of us who are responsible & actually give a damn must sacrifice our own freedoms so that the selfish can continue to play & spread the disease & make things worse. I say all of this not so much to try to change the mind of anyone reading this who falls under that umbrella, because let’s face it, if the mountains of evidence won’t change your mind, how could I? I am more so saying all of this so you understand where those of us who are most vulnerable are coming from.

As I said, yes, I am vaccinated so I am protected, hopefully, from being hospitalized with COVID. That being said, I’d love to play shows, I’d love to go to events & be a person again, but I have this underlying fear or guilt that I’m then contributing to the problem. That I’m contributing to the filled ERs & the deaths, which in part, is true. I have so many friends, so many colleagues that are moving on, playing shows & what have you & I’m so jealous of them. I wish I could do that freely & not feel immediately guilty for doing so.

I’m caught in this purgatory of do I or don’t I where I know I’m vaccinated & know I can enforce that if I wanted at a show but I’m also the low guy on the totem pole, I don’t have the luxury of putting on a show & having it sell out in two minutes. So I feel stuck in inaction biding my time until the numbers start to dive again & I can psych myself up to booking shows again without the fear that they’ll just be cancelled again two weeks later.

It’s exhausting & it’s debilitating & makes you feel like crap but I feel a sense of responsibility that I wish half of the other people in this country felt as well. I’m tired of this pandemic, just as we all are, but the more days drag on, the more I’m tired of the excuses. We could be out of this, living a somewhat normal life if people would actually start giving a shit about their neighbors instead of just themselves. But I guess that’s the case with most things in this world.

Blog: Why No Blogs?

Where have my weekly blogs gone? Why have they disappeared? Well to be fair, they haven’t, I just haven’t been able to post any of the ones I’ve drafted. You see I’m angry, I’m actually beyond angry, I’m livid & it’s not something I can hide any longer.

Every week, for the past whenever I’ve sat down to write a blog. In the past I’ve written on political issues, social issues, recipes, recommendations, details on song construction, etc. I usually try to write what is on my heart for that week to keep things current. That being said, the last few weeks, months, etc. what’s been weighing on my heart is the state of this union & quite frankly, I’m disgusted & I am tired.

I see so many people out here making excuses for the monstrous behavior exhibited by the current administration of the United States. Too many people are okay with the actions of the president & his gooneys, too many people have grown complicit. It seems daily that another new atrocity is unearthed around the Trump administration but a lot of people I know & care about don’t care. At all.

Do you know how hard it is to make something care about something that doesn’t effect them? Do you know how hard it is to try & force people into having an ounce of empathy, into having seeing the what the consequences of their vote have had one marginalized groups. Do you know how infuriating it is to try to show people what is happening just for them to chalk it up to fake news or choose to remain complicit?! It makes it incredibly hard to believe that someone loves or cares about their neighbor when they turn a blind eye to the suffering their chosen leaders inflict upon them.

I’m not going to get into the specifics of Democrats vs. Republicans, I’m not, mostly because the past has shown me that people simply don’t care. Their feelings are easier for them to digest than facts. I know this goes both ways, but we have a wanna be fascist regime in office. I’m not speculating, I’m not hyperbolizing, the things they say are literally fascist/authoritarian rhetoric. I’m someone who has voted on both sides of the aisle BECAUSE I do the research, I look into the problems & see who has the solution that makes the most sense. I do the research. I’m also someone who considers themselves very politically literate so being dismissed as “whatever” “you don't really know” is frankly insulting.

Your black brothers & sisters are crying out for help, your immigrant brothers & sisters are crying out for help, your low income families are crying out for help, your LGBTQ children are crying out for help, your veterans, your Latinos, the Earth we literally all have to live on, are all crying out for help & you’re turning their back on them. All for the sake of an “R” on your ballot. I’m tired of it. Grow a little damn empathy & see how you’re hurting those you claim to love. Open your eyes.

This country WILL NOT survive another four years of this current administration. Do I think the alternative is without fault, hell no, but I see a chance to course correct the destruction & divisiveness of the last four years & I’m taking that, as should you. If you want this nation to continue, if you truly believe the tenets of the Constitution then for the love of God save this Republic.

I’m sorry for the rant but I’m so, so tired. Your neighbors are so, so tired. People are literally out here fighting for their basic human rights & you can’t be bothered to give a shit. Time to own up & open your mind.

Blog: Be You Boo

I feel I’ve gotten to the point in my life where I’m done apologizing, I’m done conforming, I’m done modifying to who people expect me to be verses the person that I know I am. Which is hard. It’s especially hard as an introvert & someone who shies away from conflict, but I guess I’ve just gotten to the point of being fed up. I’m not saying we should all be brash, in-your-face people all the time; I understand that there are certain situations that require some decorum. However, I am so sick of filtering myself around the people I love that claim to love me for me and sick of presenting a version of myself that isn’t entirely true.

I think we all naturally do this to an extent and that’s why we all have our wild streaks in our 20s. We grow up with the imprint of who our parents want us to be, who our friends & mentors want us to be. It’s not until we’re out of the house that a lot of us are free to experiment with the boundaries of our morality. We finally get the time to figure out what we value, what we don’t, what’s worth out time & effort, & what simply is not. For a lot of people these new found beliefs & lifestyles may end up clashing with the preconceived image of you someone you grew up with has. Thus, we filter. We either completely omit or cover up the parts of us the we don’t feel we can show the past out of some semblance of respect or love, when in reality these temporary walls we build end up requiring constant maintenance & energy to uphold & end up doing more harm than good. We end up drained, grouchy, unhappy because we don’t feel we’re allowed to be the people that we are around the people that are supposed to accept us as we are. We fight with this feeling of owing these people the version of you that they know because we think it’ll save them pain or discomfort, when in the end it ends up doing more damage.

This carries over into how we present ourselves in the world at large. We all tend to wear these different masks subconsciously, each specifically designed to augment or only show parts of who we are. We have the mask we wear for our significant others, the one that we grow unhappy in over time that ends in us hating that person because of how we’ve modified ourselves for them. We have the mask we wear to work that leaves you unfulfilled, hating a job you never wanted in the first place. We have the mask we wear for our friends, the strong one that never shows your vulnerabilities because you are the shoulder they turn to to cry on. And so one & so forth. Hell, we even go into new social settings with a list of pre-approved items we’re willing to share with a new acquaintance, friend, or colleague. I say enough. I am so tired of the masks. I'm so tired of trading them interchangeable throughout my day to uphold an idea that may no even be true. The idea that if people knew you, really knew you, they wouldn’t like you.

This specifically has wormed its way into music for me. What is music at the end of the day if not a form of expressing the self. Think of your favorite song. Is it pretty? Are the lyrics overly fantasized or is it gritty? Does it dive deep & attach to a part of you that fills you with melancholy, with nostalgia, with a strange sense of longing or hope? You see the songs that last, the artists that last are brash; they’re honest. They’re not afraid to talk about what they love, what hurts them, what they struggle with and as fans, we reward them by buying their albums, seeing them live, adding their songs to our rainy day playlists. I want to be that. I’m tired of writing into the cliches because I know it’s what will strike radio. I’m tired of filtering myself because the truth of my emotion might hurt someones feelings or make someone feel uncomfortable. I’m tired of trying to be someone I’m not & overriding the person that I am because I’m so incredibly proud of him. I’m proud of the steps he’s made, I’m proud of the man he’s become, I’m proud of the lessons he’s learned from his failures. I’m proud of myself.

I shouldn’t have to bushel my pride because someone else isn’t secure enough in who they are & neither should you. Live your life, YOUR life, because it is yours. It’s not your friend’s, it’s not your parent’s, it’s not your lover’s or your boss’s; it’s yours. Do what makes you happy, be the person that makes you happy, unapologetically. Live boldly but never arrogantly. Know your worth but never be afraid to help those in need. Love out loud, love everyone until they give you a reason not to. Be empathetic & kind & understanding. Listen to each other & walk in someone else’s shoes for a while. Realize your life experiences are not the norm, because there is no such thing. We all have walked different paths & just want to feel like we matter. So believe that you do. You matter, as you are. Have courage in that affirmation! If you don’t know who you are take the time to learn away from the masks. Date yourself, do something that makes you happy, really understand why it makes you happy. You’re magnificent, live as such!

Blog: New Year, Same Constantly Evolving Me

I’m going to outright say it, I think the concept of a new year’s resolution is B.S.. I’m a strong proponent of constantly bettering yourself; you shouldn’t wait for a marked date to start a change you want to make in yourself, you should constantly be evolving & making yourself a better human. I also believe the science that fast life changes never stick, that’s why I think Whole30 is a waste of your time unless you’re on it all the time. We are all creatures of habit, we have a hard time breaking our habits, hence why we must enforce a new habit. I think if you’re going to make a change, really make the change you have to introduce it slowly into your routine & let it grow over time. If you’re wanting to workout more start by doing 30 minutes to an hour three times a week, don’t just jump into a fitness routine that’s going to burn you out quickly. If you want to eat better do so one food group at a time. Start two weeks without soda, then cut out gluten, then two weeks later cut sugar, or whatever your desired goals are!

I think the same goes for reinvigorating your work ethic. If you’re not happy where you are in your career or don’t feel you’re doing enough & need the kick in the pants to get things start taking baby steps to prepare you for the giant ones down the line! Start with something different weekly like self evaluation/course correction, add bits of the grunt work that builds the foundation you need, start a weekly video series, start a weekly blog……

As I mentioned above we are all creatures of habit & this is not only self contained, we feel the same about the world that surrounds us. People want stability; they want reliability & consistency. Your boss wants to see this new found motivation isn’t just something that’s going to fizzle out in a week or two. Your fans want to see that when they show up to your YouTube channel on Tuesday evenings there’ll be a new video up. People crave patterns, the easiest way to move up the ladder is to give people that which they so crave.

All of these are practices we should be doing all the time, not just for the new year. We as a society as a whole need to learn to be more introspect. We chastise people for their shortcomings not realizing they are reflections of our own. We fail to treat people with kindness or empathy because we feel subconsciously that people don’t treat us as such. We don’t take the time to listen, to see someone else’s point of view because we automatically assume people aren’t going to do the same for us. This is a societal change that we must rectify, but it has to be done one person at a time.

I guess all of this is a long winded way for me to say screw your new year’s resolution. You should be introspective & analytical enough to strive for constant evolution. Healthy habits are learned, they aren’t going to magically stick because you took a month to eat broccoli for once in your life or purchased your spouse a Pelaton for Christmas. Small conscious steps are what will make the changes you want, not fad diets, not complaining on the internet about how you’re not where you deserve to be, actual progress. Slow, painful progress. No one scales Everest in a day, don’t expect yourself to either. Be present, be self aware, be kind, & meet people where they’re at. Be patient with yourself, you’ll get there if you put in the effort! Hone your skills, cut out toxic people or the habits that drag you down & take up too much of your life. Happy New Year to you all, remember, baby steps!